The morning after
by Pat Squared
Summary: Konohamaru and Hanabi wake up after celebrating their promotion to chunin. They celebrated a little too hard and now have to deal with the fall out. As Hanabi say's, "Having a baby is easy. Dealing with the dads is a little bit harder."
1. Waking Up

**The Morning After**

**I – Waking Up to a Beautiful Day**

**By Pat Squared

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**Disclaimer** – I do not own Naruto. If I did, Sasuke would be a prison whore and Sakura a yaoi-fangirl/dominatrix whose job is to keep Sasuke in line by pimping him out

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**Now on to our story**

It was official. Today was a great day for the hidden village in the leaf.

The Akatsuki was defeated. There is peace in the elemental nations.

Uchia Sasuke was captured and being subjected to Ibiki's version of therapy no jutsu along with happy pills that made Naruto look as energetic as the laziest member of the Nara Clan.

Sai found out that his mother was an Uchiha chunin, thought killed in action, but actually captured by Danzo's Root Anbu. Normally he was emotionless. Nevertheless, after finding out that daddy raped and killed mama, the former Root agent threw off his conditioning. He gained the _sharigan_ eyes, and place his old man, Danzo, into a permanent nightmare. Danzo now believed that he was six years old and stuck on the set of Barney the Purple Pedophile Dinosaur with a whole buch of Ochomaru's chasing after his anal virginity. Sai was now an Anbu captain, head of _Ne_ (Root), and rumored to be dating Ino.

Kakashi got his Icha Icha fix and was now wandering aimlessly around the village giggling to himself while reading the orange covered book aloud to all the children. Tonight a lot of parents would have to give their kids the talk.

Iruka and Anko get hitched and now were surround by a bunch of toddlers and snakes trying to keep three pranking kids in line.

Hyuga Haishi, fed up with the elders of the Hyuga clan, banned the Bird Cage Seal save for the ones he placed on the heads of the elders.

Neji and Tenten announced their engagement and the fact that Tenten would soon be sporting a baby bump. Gai-sensei ran around the village screaming about the springtime of youthfulness until Tsunade knocked him out and handed a team of genin the job of waxing those caterpillar eyebrows.

Rock Lee and Sakura Haruno, now Lee, had twins girls. Thankfully, they did not inherit their father's bushy brows, although they had their mother's large forehead, radioactive pink hair, and the ability to out-scream any harpy when they did not get their way.

Hyuga Hinita and Uzumaki Naruto, future hokage, had just tied the knot in the biggest wedding in three generations. The pair were well on their way to reviving the Uzumaki clan as Hinita was already sporting the six month baby bump.

The latest chunin exams had concluded. Even though the exams were held at the Grass village, the genin from Konohagakure dominated the exams. Udon, Moegi, Hanabi, and Konohamura all earned their chunin vest.

All was well until a scream sounded throughout the inn located one day away from the Village Hidden in the Leaves. It seems that someone was not having a good day.

Konohamaru woke up and hit his head on something hard.

By the gods, it was hard. The blow was harder than the last time he called Tsunade the old, shrivel tit hag. It was harder than the last time he head butted that boulder on a dare. It was harder than the last round of the chunin exam. It was harder than any straight man's…fire fighting apparatus at the sight of the infamous harem no jutsu.

There suddenly was a number of rapid blows and the newly promoted chunin fell back into bed every part of him limp save for his firefighting apparatus. The reason why…he got to see the gates of paradise…he got to see the girl who just made chunin with him. He got to see what every guy in his academy class would trade his balls to see. He saw Hyuga Hanabi in her birthday suit.

The memories of last night…the hangover did make it hard to recall exactly what happened. But by the stickiness of his little Konohamaru and the leaking, pinkish fluid out of Hanabi's womanhood…the pair had just celebrated their promotion by cashing in their virginity.

The males of the Sarutobi family had a curse. Once puberty hit, they were perverts. Not just any perverts, but Super Perverts. Jaraiya learned the arts of perversion from the feet of his old master, the Third Hogake, Hiruzen Sarutobi Even though Konohamaru was undergoing through the process, he was perverted enough to have a stream of blood shoot out his nose. The blood loss did not do anything to improve his mental processes.

"God damn, mother fucking, ass licking, shit eating, bottom boy," Hanabi yelled as she looked for her clothes.

Hangovers are bad enough. Hangovers while trying to activate the byakugan would make Anko's physical tortures feel like a relaxing day at the hot springs. Hanabi gritted her teeth in pain. Looking down, she saw her underwear, her outfit, and a second chakra source just below her belly.

Her first instinct was to deny the fact that the sex she had last night knocked her up. She looked again praying that it was an illusion. However, the all seeing eyes of the Hyuga clan confirmed the fact that she was pregnant. Now she was at stage two...rage.

Hyuga were know for keeping their emotions on a tight leash. Thus when something sets off a Hyuga, it is not just the rage from this incident but a lifetime of rage being let go. This was bad news for the father of her baby.

"No fucking way! Fuck you, Konohamaru. You son of a bitch. Haven't you thought of a fucking condom. You son of a mangy bitch! Look what you did!"

The veins around her eyes where about to explode. This was not suppose to happen to her. She was the perfect one. She was the perfect daughter. She never disappointed her family. She was the one to make chunin on her first exam. She did what her father, Neji, or Hinata failed to do. She was suppose to be the next head of the clan. She had her life mapped out with the due dates. She was suppose to make jonin, find a suitable consort, become head of the clan, and only then have the heir and the spare.

Now all she had to look forward to was a year and a half of maternity leave. And when she came back, they will put her on D-ranked missions until her kid was old enough to enter school.

Unlike other professions where mothers could return to work soon after having a baby, it took a while for a woman's chakra pathways to recover after giving birth. Then there was the time consuming process getting back into shape. Even if someone else took care of the kids, it would now take five years for her to even think of entering the jonin exams. Her original plan was to take them in two years.

"What?" replied a groggy Konohamaru.

Getting hit in the head and trying to come to terms of getting lucky with Konoha's lastest reincarnation of the Ice Princess had stupidfied the mind of the young boy. He was only fourteen. Prior to whatever happened last night, his only action involved a copy of Icha-Icha, a box of Kleenex, Madame Palms and her five fillys. It was understandable for the boy to not being able to remember his name, let alone what was going through the mind of the hysterical, 13-year-old girl.

"You knock me up, you…you"

It seemed that the Hyuga heir's swearing ability was slipping away.

Konohamaru wondered what 'knock me up' meant. He closed his eyes. Suddenly, a pair of hands grabbed him and shook him violently. Then a series of blows rained down on his head. If one did not know better it would sound like pink-haired Haruno Sakura was giving Naruto the beat down while shrieking like the harpy all Haruno females descended from..

"Don't you dare…Don't you dare go to sleep on me. I am not going to explain this to father on my own," screamed Hanabi.

"Huh!"

"You are going to be a father in nine months, mister."

The realization of what just happen struck the boy. He did what any man would do in the same situation. He knew exactly what old man Hyuga would do to any man who knocked up the little ice princess of the Hyuga clan. Konohamaru jumped up, ran out of the motel room naked, screamed for mercy like a little boy, and ran right into the wall, knocking himself out.

Hanabi looked at the father of her child and prayed to all the gods there were that her child would not take after the father. She took a deep breath.

Having a baby would be easy…the hard part would be dealing with the fathers.

Hanabi shuddered as she reached out into the hallway and dragged Konohamaru back into the motel room.


	2. Checklist

**The Morning After**

**Checklists**

**By Pat Squared**

**Synopsis**: Konoha's newest chunins Konohamaru Sarutobi and Hanabi Hyuga celebrated their promotions to chunin with a couple bottles of sake and a romp in motel room. The pair woke up with a hangover and a little problem – Impending parenthood.

As the old Hyuga expression goes, "Having a baby is easy…it is dealing with the fathers that is hard." Another generation is going to have first hand confirmation of the validity of the saying.

It is a little known fact that ninjas are really like other people. Sure you have Guy-sensei and his mini-me, Rock Lee, running around, screaming about youth, and casting the infamous sunset no jutsu on unsuspecting victims. Kakashi can be seen walking around with his orange covered Icha Icha, giggling pervertedly. Anko could be seen eating dango while using her snake summons to keep her prank pulling kids under control [Two boys and two girls who from the crib wished to beat Uncle Naruto's and Iruka's (their father) pranking records. However, for all their eccentricities, ninja seek some level of predictability in a very chaotic world.

Perhaps with the exception of Naruto Uzumaki, Konoha's number one unpredictable ninja, and his rival-disciple, Konohamaru Sarutobi – all ninjas learned to develop methods to make their lives more predictable. The first step is to make a plan. The second step is to make a checklist.

Every ninja has a checklist. Some are simple. Maito Gai-sensei's checklist was to make sure he spread the power of youth to everyone he sees. Tsunade wanted to make sure that there was a bottle of sake nearby. Shizune's checklist was to ensure there was no sake in the hokage's office. Some checklists are more complex.

Hanabi Hyuga loved predictability. She hated uncertainty. Checklists provided a certain sense of control over her future. In a way, she envied her sister. Since everyone in the clan saw Hinata as a failure, they transferred all their expectations upon Hanabi. They groomed Hanabi to be the next head of the clan. They decided everything for her. Her clothes, her food, everything was out of her control. Somewhere in the Hyuga vaults there probability was a schedule for everything, up to and including her death and cremation.

There was talk about marrying her off once she made jonin. Then father would finish her training in trade and money lending. The Hyuga main family were the closest thing to royalty in the ninja world. The Uchiha clan was now represented by Sai, a bastard child born out of a rape. Once Lady Tsunade passed, the Senju clan would be cease to be. For a clan that was on the brink of being wiped out by the Uchiha three centuries ago, the Hyuga clan was now the most powerful, and the most wealthy clan. They did not need thugs to shut down a nation's economy. All the Hyuga had to do was deny credit or simply raise interest rates. Those who fight the Hyuga were not only physically defeated, but economically wiped out.

Being Hyuga-hime, there were no surprises. Wake up at five. Morning exercise till seven thirty. Breakfast at eight. Team meeting at nine. If no missions, team training until five with an hour's break for lunch at one. Dinner at eight. Bed by nine thirty.

Hanabi hated it all. Behind the impassive Hyuga face and the stick up the ass patented Hyuga demeanor was a budding anarchist who envied the orange jumpsuit wearing future hokage. She knew exactly why Itachi Uchiha went postal and killed off the Uchiha clan years ago. It was not some mission from the hokage and counsel. He just decided to take back control of his life.

Hanabi had her plans…as part of her plans, she had her checklists. She was slowly taking control over the small things. It was tough – It took three years before father would let her pick her own clothing and ninja gear. She was not allowed to enter the academy for two years until the elders pointed out that the clan head had to be a jonin. It took five before they would let her go to the public onsen (bath house) without an escort. Her next goal was to pick a suitable consort before the clan elders would try to marry her off to the third son of the Fire Dynamo. She was _not_ going to get married to boy who at age five tricked her into eating his bugger.

The events of the morning destroyed her plans. Prior to this, the next step was to select the lucky consort and groom him in such a way that he would not figure it out until it was too late. Why let him worry. His worrying would only make her life harder and give her another headache.

Selecting a consort was a very important task for any Hyuga. A Hyuga's consort had to be of good lineage, be strong, be well endowed, have a lot of stamina, and be willing to follow his wife's every demand. Generations of Hyuga women were taught the art of pussy whipping their mates. Many of them could and would given professional dominatrix pointers on taming slaves.

Looking at the father of her future child, Hanabi knew that she was already behind schedule. Hyuga women taught their daughters to pussy whip their mates for a couple years before letting them into their pants. Even though mother died when she was born, mom left her girls a husband training kit. Hanabi did not even have a chance to use the patented Hyuga puppy-dog eyes let alone the cat-o-nine tails or paddles. Even her sister had her husband whipped before letting him into her pants. If the other Hyuga women found out…they would laugh at her. In a Hyuga family where the bird cage seals no longer worked as a pain deliverance device on the branch family…They were all going to have a field day laughing at the _stupid_ heir who forget the Hyuga female creed, husbands have to be beg and crawl first. No, it was get drink, have sex, and get knock up like a tramp at a bar.

Pluses – The Sarutobi family had powerful ninjas, including a hokage, even though there was no bloodline. Konohamaru was the eldest male of the Sarutobi clan, technically placing him on the same ranking as her father as a clan head. The Sarutobi Clan had some money, more than most, but not as much as the Hyuga. The Sarutobi Clan jutsu scrolls had every jutsu known by every Konoha nin save the Yondamine's Flying Thunder God Technique, secret clan techniques, and techniques requiring bloodlines. Konohamaru had a reputation for never failing a mission and having the will of fire. Konohamaru had a strong fire affinity and elite jonin chakra levels. Only Naruto had more chakra at his disposal. Also, he was the most endowed male in her academy class, a quick learner in bed, and had enough energy to survive several sessions last night. If father was not going to ensure that he will never rise to the occasion again, she would keep him for his endurance – her aunts and female cousins always complain about men being all talk and having no endurance when it counts.

Negatives – It was Konohamaru, Naruto's mini-me. Konohamaru could call upon a couple hundred jutsu, courtesy of Ebisu and the Sarutobi family jutsu scrolls, but it seems that all he used was the harem no jutsu, kage bushin, kage shuriken no jutsu, kawarmi, rasegan, kyuchiyose – Enkouko Erma (Demon monkey king summoning), oiroke no jutsu (sexy jutsu), Oiroke: Onnanoko Dōshi no Jutsu (Sexy girl on girl technique), Oiroke: Otokonoko Dōshi no Jutsu (Sexy – boy on boy technique), the Thousand Years of Death, and the occasional fire jutsu. Sure, it was more than she ever used – but it was _perverted_…more perverted than all the Icha Icha books combined. He ended more of his sentences with _kore_! If her child ended up a _pervert_, she knew exactly where it came from – Damn Sarutobis.

Now Hanabi had to plan a new checklist. She thought it through really hard. After an hour, here it was.

(1) Get one last ride – it was not like she would not get anymore pregnant.

(2) Preserve Hanabi's dignity at all cost.

(3) Talk to Hinata and Tenten about what to expect when being pregnant.

(4) Have Konohamaru talk to father.

(5) Watch father beat the stuffing out of Konohamaru.

(6) Do not forget the video camera and the popcorn.

(7) If he survives, intact, get him whipped.

While Hanabi was making sure her video camera was charged and has a blank tape, Konohamaru was laying on the floor praying that this was a nightmare. He could not breathe, the tightness in his chest was screaming heart attack. Of all the girls in the world, he got a Hyuga pregnant. There were rumors of what happened to boys who knock up a Hyuga girl. One touch and no amount of extra strength Viagra could get it up again. Konohamaru was trying to come up with a plan, but the plan was not pulling together. The best he could come up with was:

(1) Talk to Naruto – Scratch that – This was his sister in law. Hinata may be the quiet type, but she will just give Naruto those eyes and he will drag me to Hanabi's old man. Damn Hyuga puppy dog eyes…note – must not look at Hanabi's eyes or she will make me go and tell daddy.

(2) If cornered by her dad use the harem no jutsu, throw a flash bang, and start running.

(3) Keep running until he falls off the end of the earth, because there was no escaping the Hyuga debt collection teams. Even Tsunade would not think of trying to run away from a Hyuga debt collector.

(4) If her father catches and hits me with that strike, resign myself to having to commit seppuku because Little Konohamaru will never rise to action again.

(5) Buy that 65-million ryo life insurance policy they tried to sell me last week and prepare my will.

(6) Might as well try to tap that girl again – It might just be the last thing I will ever do.

Konohamaru tried to recall all the sex from last night. He recalled that Hanabi loved bitting, scratching, and being very vocal. It was said that Hyuga women had three bloodlines – The all seeing eye, a body that could compete with any oiroke no jutsu, and an insatiable appetite for sex. Maybe, he may get lucky again. It was not like she could get anymore pregnant and those about to be execute get a last wish before their execution.

Konohamaru wondered what his grandfather, father, and Uncle Asuma would say when he would show up in the afterlife. They would cheer his only success then beat the shit out of him for leaving the clan to his two-year-old cousin, Ayume. He went over the checklist of his life.

(1) Graduate from the academy, check.

(2) Make chunin, check.

(3) Make jonin, nope.

(4) Settle down, get married, and have a family, nope, nope, technically one third of a checkmark.

(5) Become hokage, nope.

(6) Beat Big Brother Naruto in a fight or at least in a prank war, nope.

(7) Prank everyone in the village, not yet.

(8) Die not a virgin, check.

Looking at his checklist of life, Konohamaru could only check off three and a third items. He had only one day, if he was lucky to get lucky again and try to check off two more things off his list. He was already dead…what else could they do that Old Man Hyuga would not already do once he finds out about Hanabi. It was time to beat Big Brother Naruto's pranking record. Konoha was about to get a make over – Konohamaru-style!


	3. Spymaster

**The Morning After**

**The Spymaster**

**By Pat Squared**

**Disclaimer**: "Pen thieves must die!" – Ah-hem, I meant that I do not own Naruto. However, if you guys insist on stealing my pens, I will make sure Itachi sends you in to a nightmare where Orochimaru and Sasuke are coming after your rear end. "Doom, I will rain down doom on the doomed heads of my doomed enemies." – Sorry for channeling Zim. I guess I got to go back to my padded room and take that medicine and electroshock therapy from Nurse Ratchet. I love you my blankie. I love you my blankie. I love you my blankie. Why… Why are you always trying to wash Mister Blankie….

**Synopsis**: Konohamaru Sarutobi and Hanabi Hyuga, newly promoted _chunin_, celebrated a little too hard. What started off as a sip of celebration sake, turned into a night to remember, a nasty hangover, and impending parenthood. Konohamaru is doomed. Of all the girls to knock up in the Hidden Leaf Village, he had to knock up the heiress to the Hyuga Clan. Once Old Man Hyuga finds out, Konohamaru will find his little Konohamaru forcibly removed. He decided to fulfill his kick the bucket list since his life expectancy would be zero once the old man found out.

**S T A R T O F S T O R Y**

There are many spymasters in the ninja world. Jaraiya, of the sannin, was acknowledged by those in the know as the best. Many ninja looked no further than the perverted leech and did not see underneath the bumbling image. Everyone knew that the old pervert trained the Yondaime and Naruto Uzumaki. However, only a few old ninja recalled the identity of his other student.

When one thinks of a spymaster, one thinks of a chameleon, able to blend into any crowd. Spymasters are personable, able to look for the appropriate handle to recruit spies. Money, ideology, conscience, ego – all these approaches required an extroverted shrink. If you walked up to an average ninja and told them that the current spymaster of Konohagakure was a middle age Hyuga, known for being more of an ass than any Hyuga could aspire to be – you would be laughed out of town.

Haishi Hyuga knew where all the bodies were buried and if there was no nearby body, he was not above planting half a dozen or so – along with enough exploding tags to ensure that victim do not need to a rocket to enter geosynchronous sattelite orbit.

Jaraiya taught his students well. Minato and Naruto were natural born leaders. They could rally the troops. However, every commander needed a spy master. A spy master had to be able to recruit and manage a network. Spy masters had to build up networks and often had to personally prune the network if the opposing spy master got lucky. Jaraiya taught the Hyuga well, too well.

Haishi, Anbu codename Owl, was proof that the student might be better than the master. Not only did Haishi have connections to merchant and banking houses across the various nations, Haishi also had a photographic memory and the ability to read people. He might not have been born an extrovert, but his skills in reading the finding people's motivations were uncanny.

With a few quick strokes, Haishi finished penning a letter to one of his ring masters. Kumo, the village in the clouds, had cost him his brother and almost destroyed his family. Hinata went from a confident toddler to having a terminal case of shyness. If it was not for Naruto beat down all those years ago, Neji would still have that stick up his arse.

It was one thing to pretend to have that stick up his arse. It was another to voluntarily keep shoving it up their every day.

Haishi looked down at the painting he commissioned for Hinata's wedding. Thankfully the brat chipped in his share or the Hyuga would be bankrupt. The only regrets were the fact that several loved ones could not be there.

Jaraiya, the old pervert, would try to sneak a peek at the consummation. Hitomi, Haishi wife and Hinata's mother, would probably be asking for details that only personal experience or the Brakugan could provide. Minato would simply be proud. Kushina would probably prank the entire wedding host.

Haishi was not that old. The few gray hairs only gave him more dignity. However, for a ninja he was ancient. Only one out of forty would survive a thirty five year career. He looked up at the water clock. It was time for yet another Hyuga council meeting.

The old spymaster considered sending a _kage bushin_. Hyuga clan meetings were more annoying than a poorly prepared tea ceremony. The elders were upset at Haishi's break in tradition and whined about the loss of their privileges. The main family was unhappy that they could no longer just order things done. If they did not do it themselves, they could spent their own money and hire some _genin_ on a D ranked mission. The branch family was bursting out of the compound. Even though some still sported the markings of the seal, the pain compliance portion of the seal was rendered inactive. The branch families lost no time setting up business or sending their kids to the academy. All Hyuga clan members paid a tax to Hyuga coffers and the coffers have not been that full in generations. Now, Haishi had to figure out where to invest the extra monies.

Next to honor and family, the Hyuga clan loved profit. Every Hyuga child learned that the clan founder was a poor, blind orphan girl (more likely a blind prostitute Haishi privately admitted to himself) who once did an owl spirit a favor and was granted the all seeing eyes. The family spent generations crawling out of a gutter [brothel - cough] and with their own efforts became the wealthiest merchant and banking family in the world. Many hated the Hyuga for being so damned rich.

Many hated the Hyuga for acting as though they were above everyone else. It was not the Hyuga fault for having eyes that no matter how hard you tried, you would see folks in their underwear if not stark naked. It was hard for any Hyuga to not laugh at the miniscule apparatus that many men in power used to sire heirs. It took years to train a Hyuga child to perfect the Hyuga mask. It was worse when the person you had to deal with did not change his underwear. He had to see Danzo poop in his pants the moment that Sai got his vengeance.

It was a beautiful day in the Village Hidden in the Leaves. Recent rains made the plants a vivid green. The air was cool without being cold. The village council meeting became more of a social gathering than dealing with crisis. However, Haishi has a very uncomfortable feeling about today. It was almost as bad as the feeling he got when Minato and Kushina died in that ambush. Thankfully the pair lived and became rather friendly during their time in the hospital. Naruto may of not been Haishi's favorite person, but without him, Hinata would have never got over the shattering of her confidence that that Kumo kidnapping attempt destroyed so many years ago. Beside, Haishi could see the coils of his future grandson and noted that the kid would have charka reserves that would put any _kage_ to shame.

Haishi's mind jumped from potential issue to potential issue looking of the source that ignited the warning lights in his mind. One did not survive thirty-five years in the ninja world and politics by not trusting one's instincts. This was the same warning light that told him Gato would not be a poor person to extend credit to, that Minato would do something stupid and suicidal to stop the Kyuubi, and that Jaraiya was trying to peek on him and his wife, Hitomi, as they conceived Hinata in the bushes all those years ago.

The problem was that all men had a blind spot. Even the Hyuga had a blind spot. Haishi's blind spot was just a sliver wide and half a sliver tall. His mental blind spot was his daughter, Hanabi. Hinata, Haishi knew, would do anything but confess her love, to be Naruto. It took Pein's attack and Hinata's belief that she was dying to confess her love. It was only Hinata's confidence issues that prevent Haishi from being a grandfather in his late twenties. If it involved Naruto, Hinata would follow the boy blindly into hell.

Hanabi was the sensible one. She had a plan and lived her life according to the plan. Haishi was proud. She was the first Hyuga in a generation to make _chunin_ in her first exam. Not even Haishi could boast of that feat. Minato and Haishi were severely injured during the second stage of their rookie exam. If Tsunade was not there, both would be riding around in wheelchairs today. He looked at the calendar. Hanabi and Konohamaru, Konoha's two finalists, were due come home today. Due to tensions, only the contestants and their sensei went to the examinations.

Haishi thought long and hard about the proper gift to congratulate his younger daughter's success. Hinata was easy to shop for - a leather bound journal for flower pressing or a calligraphy set was Hinata's preference. Hanabi was a bit harder. Hitomi was the natural shopper. She knew exactly what to buy. Hanabi was not into jewelry or fine kimonos. She was not into arts. She lived, acted, and believed in being the perfect Hyuga. Haishi did not need the Hyuga trademarked eyes to see that his youngest girl had a log up her ass. _Too bad that there was no way to get it yanked out_. The poor girl was rather insufferable. If Haishi was not her father, he would advise Hanabi to get laid and yank that log out of her backside. Because he was her father, he vowed to castrate anyone who even stared at his precious little Hanabi.

Haishi made a note to send her on an errand when it was time for the Hyuga karaoke and swingers night. Hyuga's were rather a fun clan – in private. They just made sure that kids and non-clan members would never see a Hyuga blow off steam.

What Haishi did not know was that Hanabi was riding the Konohamaru log at that very moment or why the thought of castrating someone was popping in his head.


	4. Mister Bungles

**The Morning After**

**Mr. Bungles**

**By Pat Squared**

**Disclaimer**: Review or I will have Naruto and his mini-me, Konohamaru, prank you until you do!

**Synopsis**: Konohamaru Sarutobi and Hanabi Hyūga, newly promoted chunin, celebrated their success at the _chunin_ examinations a little too hard. What started off as a sip of celebration sake, turned into a night to remember, a nasty hangover, and impending parenthood. Konohamaru is doomed. Of all the girls to knock up in the Hidden Leaf Village, he had to knock up the heiress to the Hyūga Clan. Once Old Man Hyūga finds out, Konohamaru will find his little Konohamaru forcibly removed. He decided to fulfill his kick the bucket list since his life expectancy would be zero once the old man found out.

**Story**:

_**Room 101, Cozy Wagoneer's Inn, about a half's days run from Konohagakure**_

Ninjas are perhaps one of the most superstitious people in the world. If you worked in a profession where one millisecond of bad luck meant your death, you would do anything you could to prevent it.

Iruka Umino hid his lucky rabbit's foot in his kunai pouch. Kakashi wrote his lucky mask and carried his copy of Icha Icha to appease the _magnificent gods of_ _hentai _and nosebleeds. Anko always carried her lucky silver _dango_ skewer as a backup weapon in case she ran across a werewolf. Naruto always wore orange and carried an expired coupon for his first free bowl of ramen he got from a man in a pink bunny suit. Tsunade never went anywhere outside the village without Ton-Ton nearby. Every rookie _genin_ was told and believed that catch Tora, the Dynamo's wife's legendary demon cat, without a scratch, meant that you were going to ace the next _chunin_ exams.

As certain as every ninja was superstitious, every ninja had a bucket list, or a list of things they wanted to accomplish before they died. Kakashi wished to find and marry the lucky, kinky gal who loved reenacting the good scenes from Icha Icha as much as he did. Anko wanted to stuff and mount her old sensei's head over the fireplace mantle. Tsunade wanted to win that that illusive jackpot without some ill event following afterwards. Naruto wanted to be _hokage_ and christen the hokage's desk (the same desk that Naruto's parents conceived him on and the same desk that Asuma Sarutobi was conceived upon) with Hinata and a big bowl of ramen (Three years of training under the ultimate pervert did rub off on Naruto even though he was publically still in denial about his urges). However, it was considered an ill omen to fulfill your bucket list because the _shinigami_, demon of death, would have no reason to spare your life.

Konohamaru examined his life. He was fourteen, a chunin, and a veteran ninja with 2 A-class, 2 B-class, 6 C-class, and countless D-class missions. He had never failed a mission and Iwagakure placed a 25-million ryo bounty on his head. Impressive until you find out it was for – pissing into the kage's sake flask on a 180-proof alcohol-fueled dare then having a _kage bushin _pop in and sing, "Me ninja, me play joke, me play pee-pee in your Coke!"

It was sake, but sake did not rhyme with Coke. The last guy to piss in the sake and managed to tell the tale at the meeting of the _kage_'s was _ojiison_, his grandfather, fifty nine years ago – the prank that set off the Second Great Ninja War. It was the one prank that Naruto had yet to pull off, even though he managed to piss in Danzo's tea three times in the same day without the cripple realizing why his tea tasted funny.

Konohamaru prepared his bucket list.

(1) Prank everyone in Konohagakure;

(2) Perform an S-class mission successfully;

(3) Go to every hidden village and piss in every kage's sake flask or ceremonial tea cup.

(4) If he managed to survived, run into the Hyūga compound, tell the old man about how he knocked up Hanabi, and reenact the running of the bulls with a red-face Hyūga clan leader trying to stomp him into pieces; and

(5) Die from exhaustion or a heart attack before the old man give him the legendary Hyūga castration strike.

He looked into the best piece of ass he ever had...well the only piece of ass he ever had. He looked down and picked up Hanabi's panties. It was a most un-Hyūga-like panty. They were bright neon green with a little candy-apple -red demoness making the come hither gesture right where the _Holy of Holies_ would reside. He picked them up with the reverence that a devout priest would give a holy book. He quoted from a book that Kakashi would instantly recognize.

"My little princess, I must bid you a fond adieu – for I must fate cruel destiny. When fear makes my heart race and my courage fickle, I shall look upon your token of the affection, nay love, that we have shared and all cares shall be banished from my mind. With you love, I, your champion, shall go forth and with great vigor defend your honor until cruel age sap all strength from my limbs and fate withers my bones into the dust of the earth."

Konohamaru place his right hand over his heart, extended the left arm out to the side, and bowed to his lady.

Hanabi laughed. She laughed in a way that no Hyūga would publically ever be caught dead laughing. Her face was turning to a shade of red that only was previously seen on her sister. Her face turned a unique red that artist dubbed _Hyūga girl in love red_.

It was her turn to turn the tables. She revealed that even the Hyūga were perverts and avid readers of Icha Icha.

"Arise my not-so-little samurai. Arise and use your katana with great vigor to banish this burning need within me. Cut down the flames of my longing, before you go and face the evil ones who besmirch my honor. I have no fear, for I know that you are the greatest swordsman in all the lands. Come now for I have prepared the forge for you to make your sword."

Hanabi reached out and pulled Konohamaru back into bed. If she had her way, she would not let him leave this room until it was time to deliver their love child.

_**Konohagakure, the village hidden in the leaves**_

Kakashi Hayate looked up from his orange book. The air felt different. It was not the usual aura of mothers and women wanting to bash his head in for sharing Jaraiya-sensei's great literature with the youth of the village. Well that aura was around him warning him to protect his _Icha Icha Samurai Sword and Honor's Bindings_ from the women picking up their rolling pins, cast iron cookware, and meat cleavers. No this aura was an aura that only the truly pervert ones, trained by the great master Jaraiya, the Ero-sanin, would recognize. It was the birth of something so beautiful, so perverted, that any male would earn 1,000 man-points for just being there, 1,000,000 for actual participation. It would be worth the chakra exhaustion for the copy nin to use Obitmo's transplanted eye to recorded this moment. Kakashi focused and turned towards the direction of the gods of hentai's latest avatars praying that he would make it in time to witness the greatness of perversion.

Haishi Hyūga cursed the elders under his breath. Anyone blessed to be trained by the third knows the _tōmegane no jutsu_ (telescope technique). The third taught Jaraiya and Jaraiya taught him. The only problem was that the technique required a very rare crystal. In fact only three such crystals existed in Konohagakure. The first was passed down from hokage to hokage. The second was the middle bead of the necklace that Naruto wore. The third was in his office, just thirty feet away.

However, it might as well be a thousand miles away.

Haishi was stuck in this room listening to some old Hyūga fighting over whether or not to raise the base interest rate of the Hyūga banking house an eight of a point. Haishi could understand if they were arguing over half a point, but an eighth of a percentage point. Besides, did not the local Hyūga bankers have the authority to rate and lower rates up to two points depending upon the borrower's character and capacity to pay?

_Being a clan head was overrated_.

Sometimes Haishi wondered if his brother was laughing at him from the afterlife. Death was far better than dealing with this. The only thing worse than being a clan head is being a kage. Duty rears its ugly head when things were getting interesting.

Haishi could feel...could almost see the perverted vibe that was radiating from outside the village. Not even the Hyūga Karaoke and Swingers' Night was so perverted. It was so perverted that Haishi wished that he could spy on the action and record it.

_Too bad Naruto won't let me buy the rights to Icha Icha. If I could only record this… we will not need to make money for generations._

Haishi ignored the old men and their eighth point. Instead he remembered all the sneaking into the women's bath that he and Jaraiya did. He suppressed a smile at the old man's infiltration training.

"_Minato Namikaze, Haishi Hyūga, and Yoshino Yamamoto it is time to began your infiltration training._ _You are tasked to spy in a social environment where the target is both wary and relaxed. You must get close enough to listen in and see the target without them seeing you or at least do not get caught spying._

"_Like a real mission, if you are caught you will be disavowed. You will suffer pain as your targets will attempt to hurt you." _

_The old pervert jabbed his finger into the blond's chest_

"_Minato...your target is Kushina Uzumaki. She is a former whirlpool nin who is twice as deadly near water as any Anbu is on land. I want you to obtain undeniable proof, preferably photographic or _personal_, that she is really a woman…not some boy who claims to be a girl but dresses up like a boy like those ice user clan in Mist._

"_Yoshino...I want you to get close to the Nara heir. You will get him to give you information on the message he cracked two days ago. As for you Haishi...I want you to get information on Hitomi Hyūga. She and her cousins found a secret spot to bath away from my eyes…I mean reveal themselves…Let me think about rephrasing it a better way. No...you cannot just walk up and ask. Get close to her without her knowing and find out like every other spy without her finding out._

_You all have one day to get back to me. Oh yes, I want a minute by minute report with drawings or photos of your target in any outfit or _lack_ thereof. I suggest that you start at the local bathhouse, Minato and Haishi. I heard Kushina was going to met up with Hitomi and the other girls. The one that gives me the most detailed report will get a jutsu – one that only the hokage and I know."_

_The mention of a new jutsu silenced Minato's accusations of their sensei's perversions. Haishi just gave the old pervert the classic Hyuga look of indifference, even though he know that he already had this contest won. The old pervert did not know that the Hyuga's were perhaps the most perverted clan in the history of mankind. You had to be perverted if you were blessed, or cursed, with eyes that can see through walls. Kids seeing adults have sex was commonplace in the clan. It was great when it was your two hot yuri loving female cousins going at it. The all seeing eyes were a curse when you saw grandma and grandpa…_

Haishi shuddered at the memory of his Akemchi maternal grandmother sagging, scarred (from breastfeeding seven of her kids, and playing nursemaid to half a dozen orphans of the Hyuga clan – Akemchi women always had so must breast milk that they wet-nursed the village orphans to lighten the load) breasts almost crushing his grandfather to death. Grandpa was a tit man and when he was going senile would chase anything with large breasts. When you are four years old and see your half-blind (yes, old Hyūgas do develop blurry 360-degree vision) grandfather chasing a male Akemchi thinking he is a she, you are traumatized for life.

_Haishi knew how to play the game. His teammates were good. Minato could charm the pants off girls, save for the fiery red-headed tomboy who threaten to cut off Minato's joystick if she ever caught Minato peeping on the girls. Yoshino was as smart as the Nara who conceived her on the wrong side of the bed and knew exactly how to get information out of a Nara male by using a cast iron frying pan and being 'troublesome'. However, Haishi has a few tricks that most folks would not associate him being a Hyūga. Jaraiya was a competent sketcher. However, no one save Miyuki Uchia (and her future son Sai) was a better artist._

_Haishi wanted that jutsu. Minato was the old man's favorite. The team knew why…Minato was Jaraiya's and Tsunade's illegitimate son._

_Yoshino, the future Yoshino Nara and the brains behind the Nara clan,, was the perverts's second favorite. Yoshino grew up in an orphanage with so many other kids that privacy was never a consideration. She did not mind if the pervert got a glimpse or two hundred of her tits. She knew that konoichi would trade sexual favors for training in some villages. Although she was still a virgin (Hyuga eyes could see the hymen), she was noted for wearing mini-skirts, fishnet shirts, and flirting with any male in sight._

_Haishi was placed on the team with Minato since Minato was the rookie of the year and Haishi was the dead last. It was not his fault...as a Hyuga male goes into puberty, sometimes the burakugan would fade out for a couple months until the male recovers. It was a clan secret that all Hyuga were born blind and unless they activated the burakugan, they would remain blind. Haishi had the misfortune to start undergoing puberty the week of the test and was seeing one big blur when they tested him. If his brother did not already have the seal, the clan would have seal him for his poor performance in the exam._

_Jaraiya was a playful man, but when he promised something, he, like Minato and later Naruto, would never go back on their sworn word. Haishi would soon prove to his teammates that he was no dobe! He got Jaraiya to teach him the mighty telescoping no jutsu and a percentage of all Icha Icha proceeds for providing all the artwork. It also was the mission that get Jaraiya trio hooked with their future spouses._

It was almost time for the meeting to be over. Everyone knew what would happen. Haishi would thank the pair for bringing this issue to his attention and stated that he wanted to contemplate the decision more fully before announcing his decision.

He would tell the two that he would instruct the clan bankers to raise the rate selectively.

He wanted to run. The chance to view the most perverted scenes of all scenes was only fifteen steps away.

However the old men were blocking his way. Tradition demanded that he make small talk with the various elders on the way out. It would be half an hour before he could reach his desk. He knew that unless the pair was in a day's long tantric ceremony, it would be over before he could use the telescope no jutsu and see the great works of the gods of hentai.

It had to be his punishment for not convincing Naruto to publish the great ero-sanin's notes. Haishi was cursing the gods of hentai, not knowing that they were actually doing him a favor.

_**The gates of Konohagakure**_

The gates of Konojagakure were designed to be impenetrable…that was if the gates were closed. The gates were so heavy that it required a team of twenty five taijutsu experts and musclemen to open and close the gates. They were so heavy that years would go by before they would be closed.

That was if Tsunade or her apprentice, Sakura Haruno-Lee, did not walk by and close the gates with a single finger flick.

The gate had see many ninjas go out to never return. Today, the gates had a good chance of seeing a leaf nin go in and never get out.

Konohamaru looked at the gates with the same weary eye that an experienced cockroach would eye the Black and Decker Roach Motel. It was time to check and never check out.

"It's time," muttered Hanabi, "We are ohhh soooo dead!"

"What if we just sneak you into your house? We have a couple months before you sport the baby bump…"

The look on Hanabi's face told the world that Konohamaru just lost the respect points he earned last night and this morning.

_How can he be that stupid_, though Hanabi_._

What men did not know was that all girls had an inner me. While they were not as fully developed as the ones the girls of the Haruno bloodline got, they did communicate with their others on a regular basis.

"Earth to Konohamaru…we can see everything. Daddy will know the second I walk near the house."

"What if you stayed over at my place?"

"Kami, what kind of perverted, drop kittens and puppies into boiling water, child molesting, animal fornicating monster was I in my last life to be curse with you in this life. I am Daddy Hyūga's little princess. Since I was born, Daddy had a hard time letting go. It was hell for him to just me stay overnight at my sister's place. He had Neji spy on me. What do you think he will do the second he finds out that I am at your place? Can you say jyuukin strike to the balls, because that is exactly what he will do? Remember what happened when Naruto proposed to my sister."

Konohamaru went paler than Orochimaru after nine years in an underground lab rolling around in a glowing green pile of radioactive slime. If it was not for Naruto's legendary self-healing abilities and Tsunade's medical skill, Konohagakure would be short one ramen loving nin. In the end it was Hinata's use of the gentle fist on her own father to stop his rampage.

"Let us check in, grab a couple missions, and get out of town. If we are booked for a month, it will give us a month…"

Hanabi shook her head.

"Twenty four hours…maybe thirty six if I can get Hinata to cover for me. After that daddy will have all my cousins hunting for the pair of us."

"What about an S-rank, long term mission?"

Hanabi starting having a conversation with her inner self.

"_I apologize for my boyfriend… his is a work in progress."_

"_He is…a piece of work. You know you could of left him home with a bowl of kibble and water."_

"_I do have a habit of picking up strays."_

"_Don't let him give you those eyes. You pick one up, nine months later you have a litter of pups."_

_Too late_.

"_You know your daddy is going to kill us…he may wait for the baby…but he is going to kill us or worse…"_

"_Worse…"_

"_Something involving your cute stuffed bunny and a blowtorch."_

"_Yuk! Poor Mr. Bungles the Bunny."_

"_Forget about Mr. Bungles…we are in deep shit, Hanabi. You are pregnant…your daddy is going to rip off the only functioning part of your boytoy and you are worried about Mr. Bungles! He is only a stuffed animal."_

_Hanabi started turning red._

"Shut up. Mister Bungles is my friend and I am going to save him."

"_You know that every can hear you."_

"Screw them. I could care less if they find out I still sleep with Mr. Bungles. Three generations of Hyūga women slept with Mr. Bungles. My child will sleep with Mr. Bungles."

Konohamaru tapped her shoulder.

"Hanabi, who is Mr. Bungles…I thought…I was your first!"

Hanabi looked around. Everyone was staring at her.

"What are you sops looking at! Haven't you seen a ticked off Hyūga before."

The problem was the whole village was afraid of a ticked off Hyūga. The whole village had witnessed her father nearly kill her brother-in-law. Anyone that could put Naruto Uzumaki in the hospital for more than a week was feared in the ninja world. Even today, Naruto would admit to having nightmares of Haishi chasing him. Everyone will admit that Hyūgas have a stick up their ass, but if they pulled that stick out and start beating you with it…Ibuki's guest were more fortunate.

Suddenly the streets were empty as folks ran away from an estrogen-fueled thermonuclear device.

"We are going to get Mr. Bungles or I will do the Hyūga castration strike on you myself."

Konohamaru closed his eyes.

_Do not open your eyes, Kono-me-boy. She is going to give you those eyes and you are going to cave in. Do…not…open!_

The eye were cracking open.

Inner Konohamaru put on his red shirt and hoisted the white flag. Resistance was futile. Inner Konohamara did not need any skill to read the words 'Pussy whipped' engraved upon the psyche of his alter ego.

_It was nice knowing you while it lasted_. _I hope the sex was worth it._

Konohamaru opened his eyes and looked into the biggest, saddest pair of eyes in the world. Resistance was futile. He was actually going to sneak in and rescue his girlfriend's stuff animal. This was not the S-rank mission he contemplated when he was preparing his bucket list.

He did what ever whipped boyfriend would do.

"Yes, honey bunny."

_At least you got him whipped._

_Cha! Of course. Mama whipped Daddy. Hinata whipped Naruto. I am going to whip Konohamaru even if it kills him._

_Kami…Hanabi, are you going to kill…_

_Nah…I am just going to make him wish for death!_

_Good girl._

Mentally both Hanabi and inner Hanabi shook hands as they finally agreed to train Konohamaru in the ways of the whipped Hyūga male.


	5. Get the Rabbit

**The morning after**

**Rescue Mr. Bungles**

**By Pat Squared**

* * *

**Disclaimer**: **Review** or I will have Konohamaru and Naruto perform the geriatric version of the _Oiroke: Otokonoko Dōshi no Jutsu_ (Sexy – boy on boy technique). You might be a yaoi-fan but even the most dedicated yaoi-fan will run screaming from the image of two ancient gay males doing the nasty. Think grey hairs, liver spots, and seventy year old sausages leaking out long since expired cream going between seventy year old buns leaking brown pudding.

**Synopsis**: Konohamaru Sarutobi and Hanabi Hyūga, newly promoted chunin, celebrated their success at the _chunin_ examinations a little too hard. What started off as a sip of celebration sake, turned into a night to remember, a nasty hangover, and impending parenthood. Konohamaru is doomed. Of all the girls to knock up in the Hidden Leaf Village, he had to knock up the heiress to the Hyūga Clan. Once Old Man Hyūga finds out, Konohamaru will find his little Konohamaru forcibly removed. He decided to fulfill his kick the bucket list since his life expectancy would be zero once the old man found out. However, before he goes out to fulfill his kick the bucket list, he has to rescue Hanabi's childhood friend - her stuffed rabbit.

**Story**

Being the grandson of a hokage had certain advantages and drawbacks. As a young boy, Konohamaru had _defeated_ so many genin teams with his incessant need to play ninja that his grandfather could no longer foist off babysitting the Konohamaru trio as a D-ranked mission. Even when he ranked it as a C-rank mission, no one accepted. Instead, grandpa was stuck babysitting him.

At first, Grandpa Sarutobi tried to keep him ignorant of the stuff that was mentioned in the office. However, soon he became invisible unless he opened his mouth. He knew stuff that would only be recorded in the hokage's black book and knew how to access it. As part of his quest to become hokage, he had skimmed through some of the entries, but nowhere in the book was a report on a successful infiltration mission inside the Hyūga estate. The eyes of the Hyūga were legendary. They could see everything. They had x-ray vision. They were valued so highly that the hokage always had two Hyūga side-branch clan members as serving personal ANBU bodyguards. Konohamaru could escape Ebisu anyday, but he could never evade the Hyūga ANBU. They had a simple solution involving two taps and Konohamaru would spent the rest of the day over the toilet cursing the Hyūga brown touch. No amount of the pink drink could stop the runs.

Only two men had successfully snuck unto the Hyūga estate with ill intentions. The first was the Kumo ambassador who attempted to kidnap Hinata. However, he only made it twenty feet before Haishi killed him. The second was Naruto Uzumaki. Naruto-niichan had mixed in pink dye into the Hyūga laundry and paid a midnight visit to his girlfriend's bedroom the night before the wedding. Konohamaru's sneaking skills improved by leaps and bounds since he was a snot-nosed brat.

Years of pranking a ninja village make the young chunin third, maybe second best, in the village. However, Konohamaru was nowhere near the level of Naruto Uzumaki and barely at the level of Iruka Umino. Umino had pulled off many pranks and was perhaps one of the best infiltration-assassin specialists in the village, but even the former ANBU lieutenant turned academy instructor could not successfully infiltrate the Hyūga estate.

If he was a foreign ninja, the infiltration and retrieval of an item from the Hyūga estate would be treated as a double-no-triple S-ranked mission handed out by a kage to his best ninja knowing that the odds were that his best ninja would never be seen again. Instead of some kage giving Konohamaru the speech of how this mission will save the village, he had a thirteen year old girl with huge, puppy dog eyes…worse – Hyūga puppy-dog eyes begging him to rescue a stuffed animal.

"Please…I will do anything. Just bring me Mr. Bungles."

Hanibi was bouncing like a little school girl and the sight of the legendary Hyūga female mammary glands threaten to give the young teen a fatal nose bleed.

_Must not look…must not look…must not look…must look…must look…must squeeze…must…touch the beautiful bouncing titties…beautiful bouncy bouncy bouncy…_

Between the bouncing and the memories of the best (well only sex) of his life, Konohamaru's blood went to his other head. His inner-me started already planning for the funeral.

_Sure, just lie in this wooden box while I test the crematorium oven. Oh yes, tell the attendant to turn the temperature up for extra carbon scoring._

As a kid, Konohamaru had overheard Ibiki give his grandfather detailed reports on how the interrogation department _encouraged_ people share their most intimate secrets. Konohamaru still had nightmares of his organs being cut and burnt off by one of Ibiki's couterparts. He kept an explosive note in a hidden pouch under his shirt just in case. He had long since vowed to kill himself rather than risk being captured and gutted like a fish.

The pair was currently at the worse bar in the worst part of town. It was the one place that no Hyūga would be caught dead at. Konohamaru had learned of this place while performing a D-ranked mission cleaning up this place. He had to pull a couple dozen dead rats out of the beer and found two human fingers while replacing the sawdust used on the floor. The worst part was that he had already swiped and drank two tankards of the house special.

The beer was better than the Hyūga brown touch for clearing up constipation.

If hiding from the rest of the village was not a life priority, then he would gladly be anywhere else but here. Not even Anko would patronize this bar and when a brawl broke out ANBU drew lots with the losers stuck responding. Winners chose the slightly less suicidal job of waking the hokage from her alcohol induced stupor.

"Main hallway, head north, third door on the right…"

"Mr. Bungles will be waiting on top of my bed. He is white with pink ears and nose. Treat him gently…he is going to be our kid's."

This was the mission. Instead of stealing some scroll with the ultimate jutsu, he was risking everything so his kid could have a stuffed bunny. At least Naruto's kids will have some cool jutsu. Konohamaru could not image Hanabi teaching his son the good stuff. Say goodbye to the ero-jutsus. The gods had to be laughing at him. He was a ninja reduced into having the most dangerous mission of his life being the recovery of a stuffed rabbit.

He wanted to protest…but if he did, she will stop bouncing and those titties…he was whipped. He had once laughed at Udon about Moegi turning him into an errand boy. Now he was jealous. Udon at least did not have to worry about having an entire clan out to castrate him.

* * *

**Hyūga Estate Main Gate**

Hideyoshi Hyūga resisted the urge to massage her sore temples. She was on guard duty and no Hyūga on guard duty would let the world know that even Hyūga got headaches from eye fatigue. Being a guard was a high honor in the clan and being one of the few female Hyūga accorded such an honor was as rare as the clan head cracking a smile in public. There were two stages to the byakugan. The first stage was akin to human vision. This took little more chakra than what a normal person would use to see. The active stage of the byakugan required a lot of chakra and prolonged use would give the user a headache so bad that repeatedly banging one's head on a steel plate seemed a great way to dull the pain.

Hideyoshi was about two minutes away from looking from the nearest steel plate. She once sported the bird seal and twice had some sadistic main family bastard activated the mark. The seal worked by activating the byakugan to the active state and forcing her body to amp up the chakra until the brain burns out or the bastard releases the seal. Her crime was being a kid and making noise while chasing her sister and cousins in a game of tree tag. Now, she was twelve and tomorrow she was going to take the genin examination. She was going to prove that she could kick ass like her hero Neji.

_Too bad he had panda-chan – if I was just six years older I would hunt him down and..Stop those thoughts, Hideyoshi – You have Katsumi_.

Hideyoshi, unlike her classmates, knew who was going to be her teammates and her jonin instructor. Anko was reputed to be the craziest jonin and twice a cranky as usual since she was just getting off maternity leave. However to the young Hyūga girl, Anko was still the village sex symbol. She was strong, dominant, unconstrained, and bisexual. Little did the girl know that Anko was as insecure as Hinata before Naruto, loved having Iruka tie her up and discipline her, loved performing the tea ceremony, and only pretended to like girls that way to keep guys from hitting on her.

Hideyoshi was going to be teamed up with Katsumi Yamanaka and Tetsuo "Cookie Monster" Akemchi. Katsumi was her source for Yuri-hentai and gossip, her best friend, and just recently her partner in "Exploring a girl's infinite source of orgasms." Tetsuo Akemchi was a nice enough boy who followed Katsumi like a lost puppy. The thoughts of the nasty things that will happen in the tent on long missions threaten to give Hideyoshi a nose bleed.

Hideyoshi heard the soft steps of someone walking to the main gate. Quickly, she suppressed her thoughts about Katsumi and asked, "How goes there?"

"Hideyoshi-kun," replied a soft high pitch voice.

Hideyoshi activated her Byakugan and saw Katsumi in a kimono. Underneath was no underwear and apparently she just shaved for this moment. It was too much for the young Hyuga girl. Blood shot out her nostrils and she went straight down.

Konohamaru carefully stepped over the young girl who was muttering lines from Icha-Icha: Yuri's treasures.

_Are all Hyuga so perverted?_

* * *

**Haishi's Office**

Haishi resisted the urge to curse at the gods of hentai. No good ever came from cursing out the gods and goddess that gave ideas to the perverts of the universe. Just because he was becoming a grandfather did not mean that he could not appreciate the female form.

The paperwork was done – courtesy of a shadow clone. All he had to do was relax and pull out his treasure…a one of a kind Icha Icha that was based upon him and his wife so many years ago.

_Tora examined his prey. As a ninja, a veteran of many life and death battles, did Tora know hunger. However, as he looked at his latest prey he was ravenous. The hunger was not the rumbling of an empty belly. The hunger was more primal…made a man more alive than at any other time. He could pounce on her and have his way. With one sign, he could break her and plant his seed in her._

_Tora did not want an easy victory. Victory had to be earned. She would surrender of her own accord. She would acknowledge him as her master. He had watched for weeks as she and her kin played in the waters like innocent nymphs not knowing that this god among men was hunting her._

_One by one, the others left. This was the moment. He slid on his toned abs to her bundle of clothing. With a quick gesture, he summoned a genie to take away her clothing._

"_Gods of hentai, bless your poor servant in this his hour or six of need."_

_With the same jester, he summoned the genie to take his clothing away. He slid into the water like a crocodile, silent, waiting for the moment. The nymphet was singing a song of such beauty that the gods would weep in envy._

_Suddenly, she stopped. Sensing danger, the nymph dove into the water. A dragon appeared looking for the danger to his mistress._

_Tora's lungs burnt with the need for oxygen. However, to appear now would mean his death. She was a mistress of the water and air as much as he was a master of earth and fire._

_He could no longer hide. He could no longer watch. He needed her. Her memory kept him alive during those terrible years of war. Her memory kept him going when he wanted nothing more than to end the pain. If he did not step up and act as a man, forever he would be as a boy with an unrelented crush._

"_Beloved, please forgive me. I just wanted to tell you something. After this, I will go away on a triple S-ranked mission never expecting to return alive to see you again."_

"_You have three words, then begone!"_

_He looked down. He twiddled his fingers praying for inspiration._

"_Now or else I will summon a bigger dragon."_

_He gulped._

"_I love you."_

_Those three words stunned the nymph. The power of this young demigod was such that he could take her in front of her family and friends. One spell and he could sentence her to a short lifetime of pain. Yet he, the master of his clan, was bowing to her, a lowly born servant child._

"_Tomi-chan, I loved you so much it hurts to confess."_

_Tomi-chan suppressed her tears. Here was the one of her dreams begging her to love him. She grabbed him and pulled him to her bossism._

"_Show me how much you love me. Mark me as yours if you are strong enough."_

_He picked her up and gently laid her where the earth met the waters by the fall._

Haishi opened his drawers and lifted out a simple white cloth out of simply made wooden box. He lifted the cloth to his nose and sniffed. Thirteen years after she passed on, he could still smell Hitomi's cinnamon and lavender scent. Gently he folded it and returned the cloth to its proper place.

The door slid open. Haishi looked up and saw…

* * *

**Meanwhile…**

Konohamaru cursed his poor memory. He forgot which door was her door. Thankfully the few Hyūga he walked in upon were perverts or he would be dead. Both male and female fell victim to the ultimate erojutsu. The problem was that it seemed that every Hyuga child had a Mr. Bungles. This was the clan that bought everything…including stuffed animals in bulk. He had a large pillow case stuffed with several dozen different stuffed rabbits.

_Please let this one be it_.

He prayed to the wrong gods.

It was…it was…oh shit…change…change…change.

Usually Konohamaru would have a firm image in mind when performing the sexy technique. However, in a panic he used the first image that popped inside his head.

Haishi did not want this dream to end. Hitomi was calling his name and wearing a red demoness bikini. The hairpiece with the horns, the tales, and the cat-o-nine tails in her hands was promising a night or twelve of smex.

Konohamaru freaked out. Here was the one man he feared more than any other man in the universe rising up and reaching over to grab him. Konohamaru quickly said goodbye to his happy parts. He had failed in his mission. If he survived he would be no man. Haishi grabbed him. Unthinkingly Konohamaru slammed his knee using a move that men promise that they will not use on other men.

Haishi fell to the ground unconscious, drooling, clutching his private parts.

Konohamaru knew that no man would risk infiltrating the Hyūga compound for a stuffed animal. He knew that he had to throw off the trail. Papers from the old man's office had to be valuable…right. He grabbed a blank sheet paper and quickly brushed a storage seal. He took all the papers and sealed them into the scroll. He then closed the door and went to the next room praying for better luck.

* * *

**Back at the bar**

The alarm was raised. ANBU scrambled looking for an infiltrator who managed to sneak into the Hyūga estate.

Hanabi prayed that he made it…intact.

Her father was smart enough not to kill Konohamaru on sight. Hanabi repeatedly told Konohamaru if he was questioned that he was picking up some feminine items so she could deal with her monthly visitor. It would work, dad freaked out when dealing with her sister's first period and was not much better when she had her first either. Hyūga males were scared of Hyūga females when they were cranky and irritable. You had to be if the female can with a few taps make you bleed out the ass and give you the cramps to end all cramps.

_Follow the plan_.

It was obvious he did not. Now ANBU would be on alert.

* * *

**Hokage's Office**

Tsunade Senji cursed. Today was supposed to be an easy day. Tomorrow everyone will attend a ceremony welcoming the two new chunin. Everyone else was busy preparing for tomorrow's ceremony. Shizune was too busy and Tsunade was hitting the sake with gusto.

Now someone infiltrated the Hyūga compound and stole Haishi's spy-list and several dozen priceless Hyūga treasures. If the spy list got out, the hidden leaf village would lose a fifty-year-old intelligence source. It would be decades before the leaf could recover.

Tsunade called her stocky bodyguard Hotaka Hyuga, code named Bear, and told him to bring in Naruto Uzumaki, Iruka Umino, and the Nara boy to investigate and apprehend the infiltrator.

Hotaka did not bother to acknowledge the hokage. Instead he merely leapt out the window and ran down the side of the tower. Hotaka prayed that the trio could locate the infiltrator. However it was…had to be damn good. Luck alone could not get someone in and out of the Hyūga estate.


	6. Code Delta Fox Sierra

**The morning after**

**Code Delta Fox Sierra**

**By Pat Squared**

**United States Surgeon General's Warning**: Refusing to review this chapter may result in having ninjas sneak in, repeatedly kick your genitals, have your favorite body part turn black and green, rot off, cause you extreme pain, and forever deny you your chance at having your little mini-me. Do not be among the millions having their little pals repeatedly kicked by upset ninjas because you refused to review their fan fiction. Play it safe -- Review today and everyday!

**Synopsis**: Konohamaru Sarutobi and Hanabi Hyūga, newly promoted chunin, celebrated their success at the _chunin_ examinations a little too hard. What started off as a sip of celebration sake, turned into a night to remember, a nasty hangover, and impending parenthood. Konohamaru is doomed. Of all the girls to knock up in the Hidden Leaf Village, he had to knock up the heiress to the Hyūga Clan. Once Old Man Hyūga finds out, Konohamaru will find his little Konohamaru forcibly removed.

His first mission was to rescue Mr. Bungles, Hanabi Hyūga's stuffed bunny and best (well only) childhood friend. He had just performs the impossible task. He infiltrated the Hyūga estate and successfully retrieved every stuffed bunny he could find. During the search, he ran into Haishi Hyūga, head of the Hyūga clan, master of the lethal _juuken_ style of taijutsu, spymaster of Konohagakure, and father of the girl Konohamaru just knocked up.

In a panic, Konohamaru used the improved oikore no jutsu (Sexy jutsu technique). He transformed into Hanabi. Since Hanabi was a dead ringer for her mother, Haishi thought that he was dreaming about his deceased wife and love of his life, Hitomi. Haishi, thinking it was a dream approach his wife thinking that maybe this time he would get to enjoy some action. Konohamaru thinking that Haishi was going to use the legendary Hyūga castration strike kneed the old man in the balls as hard as he could. To throw off the trail, he took all the documents in the old man's desk. Konohamaru thinks that they are merely clan documents. However, he just stole the spy list that names every spy in the spy network that Jaraiya the toad sage created over 50-years. To top it off, in his quest to obtain Hanabi's rabbit, he has also just stolen the stuff rabbit of every Hyūga girl in the compound.

**Story**

**Haishi's office**

_Gods of hentai…what have I done to displease you._

_I have only provided the artwork for the your great prophet Jaraiya's books. I have begged and pleaded with my erring son-in-law to continue publishing your great revelations. I have visited your brothels. I have let your servants spank me and degraded myself to your mistresses. I have peeped into the bathhouses. I have peeped into dressing rooms. I walk around town with my byakugan active so I can see Kami's beautiful works._

_I have even corrupted my eldest daughter by giving her a copy of the ancient Hyūga sex jutsu manual in violation of the treaty my ancestors made with the Senju. She is perverted…in her own way she is more perverted than I can ever dream of being. You can hear her scream in pleasure two nations away. She even wears out that son-in-law of mine. I know he is in denial, but doesn't he have the legendary stamina that only the greatest tantric masters can boast of?_

_I only asked that in my dreams, I could be with Hitomi. However, there she was and then she kicked me in the balls…something she has not done since she was pregnant with Hinata and I made the mistake of telling her that she was getting fat_

_Gods of hentai, why have you forsaken you most loyal servant?_

_Did I not revive the ancient Hyūga tradition of karoke and swingers night?_

_Have I not peeped at my daughter's wedding night to make sure my son-in-law did not fail in his duty?_

_Do to my actions, a quarter of Hyūga women of child bearing age are expecting and most over the age of consent get it on nightly. I have already prepared illustrations for two pregnant hentai and the ultimate Yuri manga just in case my son-in-law relents. Hell, I am going to have to expand the compound soon to ensure that there will be enough room for all the Hyūga babies due to be born._

_Have I failed and not been perverted enough? Please, give me a sign of what I must do so that I can regain your favor._

Haishi Hyūga was soul search in a way that he has not soul searched since the moment that his wife almost killed him for asking her if she was putting on weight.

Generations of selective breeding have created the Hyūga male, aka the ultimate pervert. Hyūga males were typically well endowed (ladies who see through clothing do not seek out lovers with tiny pricks), had lots of stamina, quick recovery times, naturals at licking, perverted, and where easily pussy whipped. As the head of the Hyūga clan, Haishi could face any male of his clan with confidence. Since the age of seventeen, he was appointed leader when his father fell in battle. Even without the curse seal, his word was the law for the clan. However, there was a faction that knew the weaknesses of the Hyūga male.

In front of him were thirty-six angry Hyūga mothers and sixty-seven crying preteen Hyūga girls laying on him with the trademarked puppy dog eyes. No male, even Haishi, could talk some sense into these ladies…and Haishi was too smart to even try. They wanted to capture the asshole who stole every Hyūga girl's most precious procession…their stuffed rabbit.

If you were not a Hyūga, you would not simply understand just how important a stuffed rabbit was to a Hyūga girl. Hyūga girls do not typically interact with the girls from other clans. There were too many secrets that the Hyūga knew so Hyūga children were not allowed to interact with others until they were nine and entering the academy. By then, they were trained to keep their mouths shut about the exact capabilities of the Hyūga. The survival of the clan depended on the girls from other clans not know that Hyūga boys spent all their free time peeping.

To combat the loneliness that such an upbringing required, the clan used an ancient technique…the stuffed animal. The stuff rabbits of the Hyūga were especially prized. Each one had a special seal that uniquely identified it and a charka pathway similar to that of a real rabbit. By pushing in chakra in the properly place and amount, the rabbit can hop and obey simple commands like a dog. It was like having a living breathing rabbit that did not have to be fed or have the cage cleaned and was smart enough to locate its owner. If left unattended, the rabbits would try to return to its owners. Hyūga rabbits could never be lost or misplaced since they will always seek out their owners.

These rabbits were passed down for generations. Hinata had his mother's rabbit. Hanabi had his wife's rabbit. Neji was holding the rabbit of his mother and maternal grandmother's rabbit in trust for his future daughters. These rabbit were more than stuffed toys or even pets…they were family and passed down for generations. Boys got stuffed tigers. Haishi still had his stuffed tiger, Tora, and if anyone touched Tora other than his future grandson…the Hyūga castration strike would only be the start.

These rabbits were so vital to the mental health of the females of the Hyūga clan that any threat to a Hyūga girl's stuffed rabbit was met with instant and brutal vengeance. In fact, the theft of a Hyūga rabbit actually once saved the clan from being wiped out.

The last thief of a Hyūga rabbit, an Uchiha jonin, was torn to shreds three centuries by a mob of Hyūga girls. It was so vicious that a representative of the Senju clan, seeing several six to nine year old Hyūga girls literally rip a Uchiha-clan _jonin_ into bloody pieces, immediately recruited the Hyūga as allies in the wars against the Uchiha, even though at that point the Uchiha had almost wiped out the Hyūga clan and would have to wait several years until the children were old enough to serve as ninjas. It was well worth the wait.

Viciousness was a Hyūga trait. The Hyūga did not kill you. They made you beg for death and then deny you the opportunity to end the suffering while sending your family the billings for your upkeep. For generations, it was the Hyūga clan that served as the resident torturers for the Senju clan. They were so feared that when the Uchiha and Senju signed the treaty ending the war between the two clans, one of the provisions of the treaty was to forbid all future Hyūga from going into the torture business. The Yamanaka could dive into your head, but the Hyūga knew how to keep you in pain and still breathing.

Yes the paper was important. But spy rings could be rebuilt. However, no sane man could put off finding those rabbits. Even if Haishi was heartless, no man could resist sixty seven sets of Hyūga puppy dog eyes welling up in tears.

Haishi looked at the matriarch heading this group.

"We will find the lowlife that did this and let you all have at him."

The girls cheered in a manner that would send shivers down the spine of any man.

A five year old asked her mother if she could borrow a cheese grater to rub on the thief's pee-pee. Another girl asked about using the meat tenderizing mallet on the boy's balls. Soon all the girls were putting dibs on various kitchen items, even though the matriarch did ban knives, electric blenders, and anything involving open flames or heat sources in the name of the girls' safety and accident prevention.

Haishi did not want to know how these otherwise innocent girls can come up with such punishments. There was a sadistic streak that ran through the Hyūga bloodline from generations of acting as the Senju resident torturers that seemingly carried on to this day. The ladies would handle that part of the long, lingering, and bloody vengeance.

It took Haishi decades of practicing self-control not to puke into the trashcan. Hyūga women were much more vicious than any man. Although he still had absolute power over anyone in his clan, Haishi was smart enough to not get in the way. Instead of trying to keep the peace, he prudently decided instead to place an order for an entirely new set of kitchen utensils. He did not want his food flavored with an idiot's blood. He then made another mental note not to anger the five-year-old girls of his clan. No good ever came from egging on a girl with the imagination to apply cheese grater to a man's most precious possession.

The matriarch profusely thanked Haishi for his wisdom, before leading the girls out of the room to plan their revenge on the thief. The girls were actually starting to cheer for their clan head and his wisdom…more like his sense of self preservation. Even, a three year old wanted to borrow electrical socket in an attempt to electrocute the one who took her Misses Cuddles. They girls were getting more and more vicious at an earlier age.

Haishi took a deep breath. It was always the gentle ones that would become the most violent when you took someone or something precious to them. He briefly wondered what would happen if someone took her Mr. Bungles. Konohagakure would be ground zero in an ancient nuclear bomb no jutsu explosion.

Most men would feel sorry for the son of a bitch that did this, but no member of the Hyūga clan ever extended sympathy to someone who steals their daughters' stuff rabbits. They might forgive knocking up a Hyūga girl as long as the boy took care of the girl and her children. Hitomi's father forgave Haishi for knocking up Hitomi after Hinata was born and putting Haishi in the hospital for a month. However, no one steals a child's stuff animal and gets away with it.

Haishi motioned a servant to get him some more ice. Hitomi really nailed him in the balls and despite three ice packs; the balls were still throbbing in pain. _Hyūga girls never show mercy_.

**Undisclosed Bar in the Worst Part of Town**

Hanabi could not believe what Konohamaru was telling her.

"You did what!"

"I did the _oiroke no jutsu _and then kneed your father in the…"

"Not that. What did you do before?"

"I did…"

"Not to Hideoyoshi…Where did the other bunnies come from?"

"I…"

The sound of a not so gentle fist hammering down on a forehead could be heard for two blocks.

"Be quiet. If only you listened to me and stuck with the plan… It was simple; just tell the guard at the gate that I am on my period and that I need Mr. Bungles and some tampons. You did not have to sneak in. Just tell Hideoyoshi and she would have…Of all the things you had to do. Do you get off dropping pets into boiling water in front of the children? Because Mister-I-Have-A-Better-Plan, it is no longer going to just be my father and Neji after your ass. Imagine my cousins are all going after you with the plans of cheese grating you to a long, lingering, and bloody pain-filled existence."

Hanabi launch her fist at Konohamaru. A body flew through the wall of the bar. Hanabi dropped a couple ten-thousand-ryo notes on the table. The looks on the patron's faces clear said, "WTF?"

"He asked me if I was gaining weight! I do not know what I ever saw in that idiot!"

The bar tender looked at the money on the table and figured it was enough to hire some _genin_ for another D-ranked repair mission. The other men heard the young _chunin_ mutter about the boy's stupid question. Men may want to be sympathetic, but it is hard to be sympathetic when the boy asks the worst possible question to a girl. No sane man questions a girl's weight.

They watch her walk out the hole, grabbed the boy by the ear, twisted it and cruse the boy's stupidity as she lead him away.

The men at the bar winched in sympathetic pain. No amount of sex was worth that kind of marriage.

**Uzumaki residence**

Hinata Uzumaki hummed a tune as she prepared lunch.

It was a challenge getting Naruto to eat healthy, but between the big Hyūga eyes, quivering lips, a few fake tears, saying, "You don't love me anymore," threatening to cut off the ramen supply for an entire month, and dumping vegetables in the ramen, she got Naruto to eat healthier foods. Thank kami that Tenchi and Ayume taught her how to cook the low sodium version of ramen. The Fox could cure a lot, but a wife still has to be worried about hypertension.

There was a knock on the door. Hinata lifted the old boat oar out of the cauldron. She flared up the byakugan.

_Oh shit._

She quickly ran to the door and dragged her sister inside.

She looked at the boy. His right earlobe was red, elongated, and swollen.

"Konohamaru, go into the kitchen and keep stirring that ramen. Do not let it burn or Naruto will be very upset. Naruto and I will speak to you later about your impending fatherhood."

Konohamaru had the good sense to go pale and immediately run to the kitchen.

Hinata took her sister to the bedroom.

Normally, Hanabi was not the shy one. However, if you looked at the young girl you would think that it was Hinata doing the stuttering. Hanabi was doing the Hinata act perfectly. Her face was red. She had her hand together and was tapping her pointing fingers together in a way unique to confused Hyūga females.

"Yu…yu…you think that Iiiiiiii am a sluuuuutt. Are yu…yu…you going to ta…ta…ta…tell dah…dah..dad?"

Hinata merely hugged her sister and wordlessly handed Hanabi her stuffed rabbit, Misses Bungles. The young girl immediately gave Misses Bungles the hug of death. Normally Hinata would be upset about someone else hugging her Misses Bungles. Hanabi was confused, hurt, and needed to hug a Hyūga bunny.

"Hanabi, I will only be upset if you did something I did not do first. I too_ practiced_ before the wedding. The smex was too good to wait. I promised mom that I will look after you. Mr. Bungles was mine before you were born, but you needed him more so I gave him to you and got obaachan's. I will protect you from dad. He is a softee for babies. Do not worry. I will be right besides you when we tell dad."

"What about…"

"Is he the father?"

Hinata did not need to see the nod to know exactly who the father was.

"I cannot do anything to save him from father's wraith. It will be worse for him than it was for 'Ruto-chan. You are daddy's little girl. The only thing that he could do worse is steal the bunnies from all the girls back home."

To most folks, Hanabi face went blank. To Hinata, the face told her that Konohamaru did the one thing that would unite the entire clan behind the movement to torture someone.

Hinata wanted to go over and flay the little bastard. While she is technically no longer a Hyūga, she was Hyūga enough to know the connection between a Hyūga girl and her stuffed bunny. _No one steals a Hyūga rabbit_. The only thing lower than a rabbit-napper is a child molester. However, if Hinata gave into the urge to punish Konohamaru, Hanabi's child would be without a parent. Slowly Hinata counted to twenty twice…in ten different languages.

"He did…didn't he."

"He was only getting Mr. Bungles and it is not his fault that he cannot see the seals."

Hinata thought for several minutes.

"Love can excuse a lot of things…however, do you think a bunch of little girls is going to let this act go unpunished. They are going to use the cheese grater on his balls and the electrical socket for heaven's sake. My advice is to get him out of town and tell him to become a missing nin. The Inuzuka might have their dogs maul him if they ever catch up to him, but being mauled to death by starving nin-dogs is a lot better than a mob of our cousins getting their hands on him. I cannot lie to father…no one can. At best, I can be unavailable for a day or two. For now, you are going to follow me to Sakura's clinic. She will give you the checkup and tell you what and what not to do. As for him, I am going to let Naruto deal with getting your boy-toy out of town."

"Will I ever see him again?"

"If you do, it will be the moment that our cousins start using the cheese grater and electrical sockets on him. I doubt that they will care about conserving power. It will take a while for us to pin this on another missing nin. I will have to speak with Kiba on this one. He and Naruto will have to hunt down and find a missing S-class ninja to pin this one on. Anything less and the clan will be suspicious. It is time to box up lunch, Naruto is at the hokage tower learning the ins and outs of paperwork."

**Sakura's clinic**

Sakura examined Hanabi. It was a little early, but Sakura's medical jutsu was sensitive enough to detect the life growing within Hanabi's womb.

"It is as you suspected. You due date is in forty weeks. It will be a while before I can see anything with the ultrasound but from the DNA test, it is a boy, no genetic defects, and apparently has the genetic markers for the byakugan. Congratulations Hanabi - when do you want me to neuter the father?"

Konohamaru looked at Sakura with fright. With a single thought, the medic-nin can summon chakra scalpels and perform a vasectomy. He knew exactly why the Inuzuka nin-dogs performed so well. Any failure and snip…no more Pedro. Konohamaru loved his little Pedro and made a mental note not to anger forehead girl.

"Let me think about it," Hanabi replied like she was only deciding between a pink kimono and another pink kimono.

"The offer stands. Just give me the word and one little snip."

Konohamaru went white and collapsed on the floor.

"Seriously, what did you ever see in him."

"He has stamina. And I am working on obedience."

Sakura smiled.

_Another sister is pussy whipping her man._

It was all Sakura could do not to break down and cry with tears of joy. The pain in a male when he must obey his female better make Sakura well up in joy. It is the nature order of life…all males had to be properly whipped. She quickly had to control her feeling or Hinata and Hanabi would be subjected to the 'Chibi twin Sakura dancing emotion no jutsu.'

"That is what I saw in Lee. All I had to do was wax the brows and teach him that screaming about youthfulness around the kids is a no-no. Just remember to take it easy, do not strain your chakra, no high ranked jutsu, no sparing, lots of walking, but no running. Take these prenatal vitamins, and see me in two months for your ultrasound. Then we will get you started on birthing classes and what to expect when you are expecting. For what I could detect, you do not have any problems that will interfere with a natural birth. I know that you can see your little boy just fine, but I still have to take the ultrasounds for the file. Besides, it is the first of many photos you are going to put in the baby album."

_Besides it is funny when the family points to the smile on the ultrasounds no realizing it is the baby's ass, cha_.

_Okay, inner Sakura, calm down. I promise that we will be around to see what Haishi will do to daddy_.

_Popcorn_._ And don't forget the camera_.

_Carmel popcorn…I don't care what is does to my hips_.

_You have an excuse, fatso_.

_I am not fat. I am one month pregnant_.

_One month. You should not be showing for two more_.

_Let get it on. Fight!_

_You know that I am inside you. We can't fight._

_Oh yes we can._

_You wouldn't._

_I just did_.

If you could see inside Sakura's head, you would see Inner Sakura huddled in the corner as Sakura replayed the Gai-Lee sunset no jutsu over and over again. Inner Sakura was hosting the white flag while crying about having her retinas burnt out.

"Sakura-neechan, why are you jumping up and down in joy?"

Sakura, with a look of embarrassment stopped her victory dance.

"Oh, long story. Oophs, I have another appointment. Take these and remember that you are not to exert yourself. Make him do all the work."

Sakura made a mental note to visit Ino after work. This gossip would be juicy.

**Hokage Tower**

For years, Naruto proclaimed that he would be the greatest hokage ever. However, he now eyed the kage's greatest enemy…paperwork.

Paperwork is more deadly than a collection of S-rank nuke-nins. Paperwork is more relentless than any Hyūga debt collector. Paperwork can even challenge a master of the kage bushin. Even with a dozen clones sorting through the paperwork, Naruto would be lucky to make it home in time for dinner tonight.

_Damn you old man for making you job seem so wonderful. If my nindo was never to back down, I would join Shikamaru and Choiji and watch the clouds float by_.

The recently promoted _jonin_ wondered just how someone got roped in to doing this job. No matter how many times he sent paperwork back down to the bureaucracy, there is the tendency to send all problems to the top, even though they could easily be handled by those in the bottom. That meant that Naruto was stuck just sorting the important stuff from the trivial.

Worse, Shizune was too busy overseeing the preparation for tomorrow promotion ceremony. Now it was his job to sort out the paperwork and deal with a drunken hokage.

_Next time I see Konohamaru, he is going to do all this paperwork while I try on the hat_.

Naruto quickly grabbed a scroll and wrote down a D-ranked mission specifically addressed to his younger rival. If he is going to play hokage, Konohamaru is going to play hokage's assistant. He looked at the clock. Hinata would be by with his lunch after visiting Sakura's clinic. Twenty minutes to homemade ramen.

Suddenly, a bulky ANBU member wearing a bear mask burst into the room scattering the papers. There was only one ANBU member that size and Naruto gulped. The last time he saw Hotaka in action, Hotaka was the only force about to hold back Hinata's old man from killing him before Hinata gave dad the Hyūga sleep tap. Usually, Hotaka would be just behind the hokage shaking his head at the stupidity of those who were dumb enough to tick her off.

"What is it?"

"Code Delta Sierra. Correction Delta Fox Sierra."

Naruto turned pale as the white on a Hyūga kimono.

The last time there was a code Delta Fox Sierra (Deep effing shit), a very angry nine-tailed demon-fox was approaching Konohagakure. Pain's attack on the village was _mere_ code Delta Sierra (Deep shit). Merely being captured and tortured to death was a Sierra Squared Delta Squared (Same shit, different day) for your typical ANBU member.

Naruto quickly regained his composure. It could not be that bad. It was like no one destroyed the ramen stand and all the instant ramen disappeared. Now he needed something to be angry about. Oh yes, Hinata was due to bring him some homemade ramen. The thought clicked in…some idiot had the gall to do something that would deny him the chance to enjoy Hinata's homemade ramen.

The thought of ramen being left to become cold was blasphemy to the orange clad _jonin_.

"Let us get going and kick its ass. Someone fucked with my ramen time and no one fucks with my ramen. Who is with us?"

Hotaka looked at his cousin's husband. If he was not immune to killing intent from having to wake up a drunken hokage, he would be crapping in his pants.

"Uzumaki-san…Shikamaru Nara and Iruka Umino are waiting for us at the Hyūga estate. However, Umino-san will be working under his old ANBU identity Ryu."

"What happened?"

"Two things – First, someone snuck in and stole Owl's spy-list. Second..."

Everyone in ANBU knew that Owl was the village spymaster. However, only the hokage and her bodyguards knew Owl's real identity. Everyone else played the guessing game "Who is Owl?"

"Owl is a Hyuga. I though I knew all the ANBU."

"Owl is your father in law. However that is not important. The Hyūga bunnies were kidnapped."

Naruto went pale. Hinata was death on letting anyone touch her stuffed bunny or fox plushie. Even though he was only married for a short time, Hinata nearly killed him for moving her bunny and not putting it back on their bed. She put him in the hospital for almost a week. Twenty more minutes and she would have beaten her father's record for putting him in the hospital.

"How many?"

"Sixty seven."

Naruto almost felt sorry for the idiot who stole sixty seven stuff bunnies. This incident was more dangerous than Pain's attack. Sixty seven angry Hyūga girls and their mothers were going to descend on the village if those bunnies were not found. Kami help the village because Hyūga girls would not show mercy.

"I would hurry, The girls were putting dibs on the kitchen utensils."

Naruto used his father's teleportation jutsu to rush to the Hyūga estate.


	7. Running away with the village idiot

**The morning after**

**Running away with the village idiot**

**By Pat Squared**

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Naruto. If I did own Naruto, I would have Hinata go on a campaign to turn Naruto into the ultimate pervert. If those of you who do not think Hinata is a pervert, exactly what thoughts cause her to faint. It sure is not just walking hand in hand, skipping gaily through the fields.

I want to thank Dr. Demento for inspiration. Between Kinko the Clown and Boot to the Head, I got my daily dose of crack as a young kid and now share it with you all.

Be on the lookout for ninjas in your neighborhood. It seems that some authors are upset at not getting the love (numbers of reviews) they expected. They have hire ninja from every hidden village to go around and kick readers who do not review repeatedly on the shin. Protect yourselves and your loved ones—**Review Today and Everyday**.

**Being the Village Idiot Is Such Hard Work**

Konohamaru Sarutobi just laughed maniacally for the third time in twenty minutes. He had faced life and death situations before, but this situation was dire. He reviewed his life for the twentieth time. He had defeated every _genin_ team sent out to babysit him. He graduated from the academy, deliberately seeking the dead last position in honor of his rival, Naruto Uzumaki. He pissed in a kage's cup, taunted the kage of Kumo, and lived to tell about it albeit with a 65-million ryo bounty on his head. He made it to the final round of the chunin exam and earned his promotion. He lost his virginity to the most beautiful eligible princess in the village. It was all good until she told him four words, twenty hours after losing his virginity, "You knock me up."

From that moment, his life became a nightmare. Not only does he have to avoid the girl's father, he had to sneak unto the Hyuga estate, retrieve a stuffed bunny from under the noses of the clan with x-ray eyes that were better than any lie detector. Doing so, he stole every stuffed bunny and stole a whole bunch of paperwork from Haishi Hyuga's desk in an attempt to throw off any investigators. Now, he has sixty-seven Hyuga pre-teen girls and their mothers looking for the idiot who stole their stuff bunnies with the intent of using kitchen utensils on his anatomy in ways that kitchen utensils were never designed to be used.

Konohamaru was a dead man. After thirteen years, one of which was as a ninja, he knew exactly why ANBU had the tendency to go crazy. There was a clarity, a freedom, in knowing you were a walking dead man. The problems for the lad was that the clarity in his head was telling him that he was officially the village idiot.

"You know you are laughing in a way that kinds of freaks us normal people out," Hanabi muttered.

Konohamaru sneakered.

"What is so funny?"

Konohamaru grabbed the flask of plum cooking wine he liberated from Hinata's kitchen.

"I see death everywhere laughing at me. I have to get dressed up for my closed-casket funeral and go to the ultimate party were no one else is alive. I just had to love a little girl that made me feel so good with a dad that delivers hurts like the Girl Scouts delivers cookies – Lots of it all at once. I wonder if there are different flavors of pain. I like the tagalongs and the Lemon Chalet Crèmes. I wonder if your father is going to smoother me in chocolate and peanut butter before staking me out naked near the Aburame insect hives. Then will he dip me in lemon juice for the extra burning sensation that tell you that nope, you are not dead yet, you have a couple more years of slow, painful, lingering death in front of you."

Hanabi hated being pregnant. From the looks of it, the plum wine rendered Konohamaru immune to pain. She wanted to be in the same place he was. If he keeps it up, he is going to waltz up to the Hyuga estate with an arm full of stuffed bunnies and admit to rabbitnapping.

"The only thing that could be worse was if I had to sit on Orochimaru the Pedophile Clown's lap during Christmas while Orochimaru has an erection. And I am Ed Gruberman sitting at the feet of the master of Tai Kwon Leap getting the boot to the head."

"What the hell are you talking about? You are scaring me. You are scaring Mr. Bungles and the entire rabbit family. Besides, who is this Ed Gruberman-san you speak so poorly of.

Konohamaru giggled for a second before assuming the archetypical voice of a mystic sensei, "Approach students, close the circle at the feet of the master. You have come to me asking that I be your guide along the path to Tai Kwon Leap. But be warned, for to learn its ways you must first learn the ways of your own soul. Let us meditate upon this wisdom now. So..Oooohhhhhmmmmmm"

Konohamaru switched his voice to the annoying accent only used in the 'Land of a Thousand Taxi Cab Drives that Cannot Get You to Your Destination.'

"Ah sir…oh…oh…sir"

Konohamaru switched back to the master's voice.

"Who disturbs our meditation as a pebble disturbs the stillness of the pond," asked the master

"Me – Ed Gruberman," replied the annoying voice.

"Ed…Gruberman?"

"No disrespect or nothing, but how long is this going to take?"

The master took a deep breath before replying, "Tai Kwon Leap is not a path to a door, but a road leading forever to the horizon."

"So what…like an hour or so?"

"No…no. We have not even begun along the path. Ed Gruberman you must learn patience."

"Yeah…yeah—patience…How long will that take?"

"Time has no meaning. To a true student a year is but a day."

"A year! I want to beat people up right now. I got the pajamas. Hah…whoo…Hah."

Konohamaru started perform karate chops with a performance so bad that even a first year academy student from a civilian family could eff up so thoroughly. As a member of a clan specializing in taijutsu, Hanabi shuddered at the thought of Konohamaru teaching her kids this technique.

"Beat people up?

"Just start showing me all those nifty moves so I can start trashing bozos. That's all I came here for!"

"The only use of Tai Kwon Leap is self defense. Do you know who said that? Ki Lo Ni, the great teacher."

"Well the best defense is a good offense. You know who said that…Mel the cook on Alice."

"Well Tai Kwon Leap is the wine of purity, not the vinegar of hostility. Meditate upon this truth with us. OOOOhhhhhmmmmm."

"Listen shrimp are you going to show me some fancy moves or am I going to wipe the walls with you?!"

"Ed Gruberman, you have failed to grasp Tai Kwon Leap. Approach me that you might see."

"Finally some action!" cried the annoying one with happiness.

"Observe closely class…Boot to the head."

The boot to the head was so quick that Hanabi almost did not see the kick. Konohamaru stopped just two millimeters away form her head before stopping the kick. She felt the breeze and just a quickly, Konohamaru was back in the lotus position.

"Ahhh…you booted me in the head!"

"You are lucky Ed Gruberman. So few novices experience so much of Tai Kwon Leap so soon. Now we continue…ohmmmmmmmmm."

"Hey…hey…I wasn't ready. Come and get me now, shorty! Come on now, are you chicken?"

"Boot to the head."

"Ouch…okay I am now ready. Now…okay…come on…try it now!"

"Boot to the head."

"Mind if I just lie down here for a minute?"

"Now class, we shall now return…"

Another voice interrupted, "Master?"

"It is wrong to tip the vessel of knowledge student."

"Many apologizes, master, but I feel Ed Gruberman was not fully wrong."

"What do you mean?"

"I too want to boot some head too."

"Have you learned nothing from the lesson of Ed Gruberman?"

"Yes master, I have learned two things. First, that anger is a weapon only to one's opponent."

"Good."

"And secondly, get in the first shot. Boot to the head."

"You missed. You too shall be honored with a lesson. Boot to the head."

"Ouch!'

"Can anyone tell us what lesson has been learned here today."

"Yes master, not a single one of us can defeat you."

"Yes. You have gained wisdom child."

"So we will have to gang up on you. Get him."

"Boot to the head. Boot to the head. Boot to the head. Boot to the head. And now class, let us rejoin the mind to the body and gazed to the heart of the candle in meditation…Ooooohhhhhmmmmm. Very good class."

Hanabi shook her head in the amazing acting and display of idiocy that Konohamaru just performed.

"Is this a Sarutobi family tradition?"

"Yep. Every generation gets the boot to the head until they wise up and work hard on their ninja skills. Ojiichan use to boot me in the head a lot. That was how I won the first round. The idiot tried to boot me in the head not knowing that booting me in the head is like trying to hurt Naruto-onichan by stuffing him with ramen. All students in our clan are dubbed Ed Gruberman until they learn via a boot to the head."

_Just what the hell clan did I just get involved with. Hyuga may be perverts, but we are not child abusers. No boots to the head for my baby._

"That explains a lot…Thank you very much for the information."

"You know we even have a Boot to the Head song. Want to hear it?"

Hanabi started wondering if daddy's killing of her boyfriend might actually be a good thing. Kononhamaru obviously had too many boots to the head as a child. The byakugan might be brutal, but brains are rarely scrambled.

"No thank you."

Hanabi started making plans to ensure that her baby would not get a boot to the head. She thought hard. She thought harder than she ever thought…including the scheme to hide the fact that she pulled a couple D-ranked missions working as a waitress at Hooters. Just because your family printed money, does not mean your father was not a tight fisted son of a bitch. All she had to was serve chicken wings, wiggle her ass, do the YMCA dance, sing the 'Sister is drunk and horny song', and ensure that the genjutsu covering her face remained active. The nightly tips were worth 2 week long C-class missions. Flash some tit and you got the equivalent to an S-ranked mission. Her personal bank account had enough zeros to ensure that even if she was booted out of the clan, she could buy a business or two and not have to worry about money.

Konohamaru wanted to beat Naruto. Naruto was the undisputed master at pulling pranks. Konohamaru was fast. The boot to the head demonstration showed that he was faster than Naruto. Naruto's great power was the fast that he could run forever. Konohamaru could run maybe a day…a day and a half before collapsing from exhaustion. Best part he was drunk.

Hanabi slide off her top. It would be a small price to pay to ensure that her child would not have to undergo the boot to the head.

"Kono-kun. I like a man who is man enough to prove that he can kick the ass of any ninja. The thought gets me hot and wet down there."

As she suspected, the blood flow went downtown.

"Not now. Sister is in the other room. If you prank everyone, but sister and I in the village, I will let you licky licky."

"Licky licky is good. Just a taste."

"Sorry honey, you have to earn your licky licky privileges."

"Please!"

"Just one lick…please."

Hanabi remain strong. It is for your kid.

Chibi-inner Hanabi could not resist the puppy dog eyes. The eyes are a weakness for any Hyuga. Even with your eyes close you can still see the eyes. With your back turn, you still see the eyes.

"One licky licky."

Konohamaru was on that tit like a starving baby. It took three taps before he fell straight to the floor.

"Prank first…then licky licky up here. If you prank Naruto, I will let you licky licky downstairs, but only after you prank the village."

Konohamaru jumped up and ran out the door. After a second of internal debate, Hanabi decided to follow the village idiot. It would be painful for Konohamaru, but Hanabi was bored and needed entertainment. Once daddy found out she would be grounded for life or worse…stuck on clean up duty after one of the adults only parties. Cleaning up used condoms…not even the branch member were given that assignment during the worst days of the bird seal.

Konohamaru was looking for something...

Today would be a bad day for everyone. Hanabi's inner anarchist was dancing up and down in joy.

**Hokage's Office**

Tsunade cursed.

After sending out Naruto and her ANBU on a critical mission, there was a line of villagers a mile long with complaints. It seemed that someone release a pranking demon in town, and no, it was not Naruto Uzumaki.

Here was a partial listing of the chaos:

The Dynamo's wife was holding a shaven Tora.

Sakura's twin girls were crying because some boy walked up and painted a big pink unibrow across their foreheads.

Mimes were locked in real glass boxes.

The dental offices all had their Novocain and laughing gas stolen prior to sore tooth drilling day.

Someone place a genjutsu on several hundred feral cats to attack the dogs of the Inuzuka Clan. Now all the nin-dogs had to go to therapy to confront issues about demon cats attacking dogs in packs before even thinking about returning to work.

The ninja supply store gear was all painted with the Man-Boy Love Association logo.

The hospital wards were filled with injured folks who slipped down greased stairs.

The high end stores had the stock switch out with green spandex leggings.

The academy doors were nailed shut trapping in students and faculty. The students, already half-feral, are going bonkers and the academy instructors are crying for mercy.

Someone left Icha Icha comics at the daycare centers and school.

Somebody swapped out birth control pills for fertility pills and of course no one found out before they were distributed to all the konoichi.

Somebody mixed in Viagra into the male nutritional supplements.

Wives beat up their husbands because some blond pregnant bimbo walked up and accuse the husband of not paying the child support for their love child right in front of the wife.

Somebody infiltrated the bank and piped laughing gas in the ventilation system.

Ino reported pigs flying and somebody letting the Aburame clan insects in the Yamanaka green houses.

Somebody stole all the sunglasses and trenchcoats of the Aburame clan. Shino had blue eyes and now walked around have naked in swim trunk. Half the females in town are now members of the Shino fan club.

Somebody painted all the deer on the Nara compound bright lime green.

Somebody stole Kakashi's Icha Icha collection.

Genin teams found themselves knocked out and awoken naked in a training ground with a scroll telling them to practice seduction, a copy of Icha Icha, notes on how to perform the oikore no jutsu, mandatory 'vitamins' for the males, and mandatory 'birth control pills' for the girls. They were greeted by their 'instructors' and told it was mandatory before they could take the chunin exams for them to practice for the next 48 hours and then undergo a practical evaluation of their sex jutsu skills. As there was always at least one girl on a team…let us say that Jaraiya wanted to return back to earth to record all the perversion that was occurring.

The real jonin instructors were on the toilet at home with the runs that no amount of the pink stuff could cure.

ANBU headquarter had their television stuck on the Barney the Dinosaur. Usually the televisions in the prison was tuned to Barney. Today the prisoners were watching Icha Icha the movie while the guards were stuck with Barney and replays of _Ishtar, Howard the Duck, The Adventures of Pluto Nash, The Postman_ with Kevin Costner, and _Gigli_ with Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck. Due to this horror, Tsunade received resignations from half the ANBU. They could dish it out on prisoners, but could not handle being locked in a room and forced to watch Gigli for the fourth time on loop.

If it was not for the fact that someone deliberately stole all the ramen noodles in town and dumped them into the river, she would believe that Naruto was working overtime. Naruto might prank, but he never threw away ramen. Even the long expired kind.

The other suspects had alibis. Konohamaru was not yet in town. Iruka and Anko's kids were in ninja daycare terrorizing the staff and fellow classmates with snakes. It was as if someone discovered that Konohagakure was venerable to pranking attacks. Someone found out the SSS-class secret.

Between someone stealing Haishi's spy lists, the stuff bunnies of the Hyuga clan, terrorizing the entire village, Tsunade needed some sake. Someone drilled holes in all the sake barrels in town and even snuck in and took her hidden stash. Tsunade has one last bottle in her robes.

"Gods damn it. What does a hokage have to do to have some piece and quiet?"

Tsunade poured her last bottle of sake into her cup. She drank it down in a big gulp. Suddenly she started hacking as if her lungs were leaving her body via her mouth.

A voice boomed throughout the village, "Who the fuck pissed in my sake? ANBU, find the son of a bitch and bring him back to me!"

**Ventilation System Shaft near the Hokage's Office**

It was a tighter fit than Konohamaru expected. The last time he used these shafts, he was nine-years-old. Even greased up with butter, the lad had a hard time crawling through the labyrinths of ducts that kept fresh air moving through the building.

He had saved the best for last. In his possession was the Forbidden Scroll, hokage's stamp, three S-rank mission scrolls, and the Hokage's hat. Hanabi better let him licky licky. With all the chaos, it should be weeks before anyone notices that Konohamaru replaced the Forbidden scroll with his last will and testament.

He savored the pranks. He should have brought in Hanabi into the pranking earlier. There was no way he could knock out jonin instructors so quickly or give them the runs. She was the one that set up the con on the genin teams and suggested switching the pills at the hospital. There was one prank left. However, the pair had to get out of town first. It was time to add two more faces to the Hokage Mountain.

**The Village Gates**

It is not too often that a roach successfully escapes the roach motel. The sounds of confusion resound through the Hidden Village Attacked by Prankmasters. For fifty years, a Sarutobi kept the village intact. In one day, the Sarutobi brought the village down to its knees.

"Hanabi, you do not have to come with me...I doubt that I will ever return here alive or want to."

Hanabi looked at the village.

"There is no going back, Kono-kun. I already told sister to tell father tonight about…We have six hours before she tells daddy."

Konohamaru quickly made three hand signs before whispering, "Note chain explosion no jutsu."

The pair looked on as a series of exploding tags went off on the Hokage mountain. Several faces appeared. Naruto was eating ramen. Iruka-sensei was doing his demon-head no jutsu. Udon and Moegi where swapping spit. Konohamaru and Hanabi's face were laughing at the village.

"Where to," Hanabi asked.

"Someplace that needs a bridge. Naruto has a bridge named after him in Wave. I want to have a bigger bridge…perhaps the Ed Gruberman Bridge—the toll, a boot to the head."

Hanabi looked one last time at the village of her birth. Once she was a princess. Now the princess was running away with the village idiot.

_Just maybe I am the one who needed a boot to the head._

She was finally free. Neji could have all the stuffed up Hyuga drama. No more having to act like she had no feelings. No more whispers from others about her being the ice princess. No more having to please daddy. She was a caged bird without the seal. Now the world was going to see what she could do on her own.


	8. Bring me his head

**The morning after**

**Bring me his head**

**By Pat Squared**

**Disclaimer**:

**Vise grips plus nipples equal pain!**

This warning is brought to you by the Author's Alliance Against Autonomy, or FFNA4. FFNA4 fights for the rights of authors by punishing those who fail to review the works of our writers. FFNA4 will find you. Our ninja operative will get you. This week Orchard Supply Hardware and Home Depot has a sale on vise grips and FFNA4 just bought the entire lot. If you don't review, FFNA4 will show you why vise grips plus nipples equal pain!

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Now we return to our regularly schedule program.

**Synopsis**: After a night of steamy Bow-chikka-wow-wow [Had to drop the sexual reference to keep this story kid friendly], Hanabi Hyuga and Konohamaru found themselves having ordered a little mini-me from Stork's Baby Delivery Service. The expected delivery date – 40 weeks. There are no exchanges, returns, or refunds on this order.

The problem – there are many problems. Let us review:

Hanabi Hyuga has the most overprotective father in the world when it comes to his baby's virginity. This is the same father who is Konohagakure's spymaster, heads the most ruthless banking clan in the known world, rumored to castrate guys with a single strike, and the only person that put Naruto Uzumaki in the hospital for over a week. All fathers of teenage girls are nasty. But Haishi could give Shriek lessons in being an ogre.

In an attempt to retrieve Hanabi's stuff bunny, Konohamaru rabbitnapped all the bunnies from the preteen girls of the Hyuga clan. Sixty seven preteen girls and their mothers are borrowing cheese graters and meat tenderizing mallets from the Hyuga kitchen to rub and smash upon the rabbitnapper's happy parts.

Konohamaru unknowingly stole Haishi's spy lists in a poor attempt to divert attention from the rabbitnappings. That ensured that ANBU and the Hokage will want Konohamaru's head on a platter.

Konohamaru and Hanabi pranked the village, pulled down the village's pants down below its knees, and violated it in a way that got the entire village screaming, "I am an uke!" Among the most notable pranks pulled were as follows:

Shaving Tora, the Dynamo's wife's cat.

Dressing victims like mimes and locking them in real glass boxes.

Causing several hundred feral cats to attack the Inuzuka clan nin-hounds to the point where the hounds cannot return work without extensive canine psychotherapy.

Switching out the stocks of every clothing store in the village with green spandex leggings.

Convincing Maito Gai and Rock Lee that the hokage ordered the mandatory sharing of youth via hugging. Many unfortunate villages were caught between the two as they hugged performing the dreaded _Sunset no jutsu._

Painting a big, pink unibrow across the wide foreheads of Sakura Haruno-Lee's twin daughters. The screams of the Haruno-Lee girls caused many to go permanently deaf.

Pinning the ninja academy doors closed, trapping a dozen chunin instructors in a building with several hundred half-feral kids.

Stealing Kakashi's Icha Icha collection and distributing to the youth of the village.

Swapping all the birth control pills for fertility pills. This will ensure that the maternity ward will be very busy and that Konohamaru's and Hanabi's love child will have a lot of classmates in the Ninja academy.

Attacking all the jonin instructors so that they have to remain home sitting on a toilet due to incurable loose stools.

Fooling the young genin teams that it was time to learn about sexual techniques and requiring them to practice. Note that the girls are all taking the new "Birth control pills" and the boys are ordered to take little blue diamond shaped vitamins.

Dumping all the ramen noodles in town into the ponds and rivers. Naruto is guaranteed to explode at the sight of wasted ramen and will suffer ramen withdrawal until he gets some.

Stealing the forbidden scroll, the hokage's stamp, the hokage's hat, destroying the village's sake supply, and pissing in the hokage's sake.

**Chasing the village idiots**

**Interrogation Auditorium, ANBU Headquarters**

ANBU stood guard over Moegi and Udon. As youths, the two pulled pranks with Konohamaru and after the ramen dumping incident cleared Naruto from suspicion, they were the only two remaining suspects in town or at least knew how Konohamaru, the only missing suspect would plan and execute his pranks.

Anko looked at the pair. They were found naked physically expressing their love for one another in a hay barn outside of town. Now both were hog tied naked in front of the hokage and half the interrogation department.

Anko pricked her finger and summoned a snake.

"Hylisss has a unique venom. One bite and Hylissss' hemotoxic venom will cause your boytoy's favorite part to swell up in unbelievable pain for four days, before withering and rotting off."

Hylisss slid towards Udon's happy parts.

"Thanks to your buddy, my kids are planning sometime to top your pal's latest stunt. I finally am getting enough sleep and now…You have mess up my time to get eight hours a day or rest. Do you know what eight hours a day feels like once you have to start raising kids…Do you? Oh you are going to pay. I am going to make sure that the two of you are not ever going to have a good night's sleep ever again."

The two started squirming.

Udon was the first to break down and confess.

"Please spare my little noodle. The last time I saw Konohamaru was at the inn a days journeys from here."

Anko looked down at the shivering Udon and laughed, "Your outtie is becoming an inne if you do not tell me what was he doing?"

"We were celebrating our promotions with sake. Hanabi Hyuga, Konohamaru, Moegi, and I got promoted. Ebisu got the messenger hawk and returned back here for a mission. He told Konohamaru that he was in charge. When I last saw Konohamaru he was…"

"Was what?" asked an ANBU wearing an owl mask.

"Owl-san, Hanabi and Konohamaru went upstairs to celebrate."

The silence in the room was deafening. Not since the nine-tail attack could anger be radiated so strongly.

"Konohamaru must die a slow death," muttered an ANBU member wearing an owl mask.

The other ANBU looked at Owl as Owl cracked his knuckles and his neck. They should have stopped him, but not even the hokage stopped him.

Her only command to owl was, "Owl, bring them both in alive, Konohamaru…just barely and make sure he can talk and feel pain. As for Hanabi…it is your call."

Owl looked straight into the hoagie's eye and grunted, "Just barely…oh just barely…I promise you just barely. Hanabi Hyūga will be grounded for a lifetime plus two reincarnations."

Owl removed his mask.

Udon and Moegi saw the face of the Hyuga clan leader. Among the ANBU there were some whispered names that were feared by all. Everyone feared Bear, Snake, Kitsune, Deer, and Ryu. However, fear about all was the Owl. Owl was known for his hatred of all things Kumo and kept a collection of Kumo ninja skulls and finger bones at his ANBU office. Now, Kumo was second to Owl's hatred of the one who defiled his little girl

Anko cut the bindings from Udon and Moegi. She handed Udon a little blue vitamin and Moegi another pill.

"These will reenergize you and prevent _accidental _pregnancy. Go have fun. If you don't Hyliss might bite you."

The pair quickly took the pills.

Some say that marriage only made Anko more sadistic. They underestimated her. Marriage only made her more creative. You have to be if you had to raise Iruka's kids.

Inside Anko's mind, a chibi Anko danced the victory dance. There will be nothing _accidental_ about Udon and Moegi's upcoming destiny with parenthood. Let them laugh when they cannot get eight hours of sleep for the next twenty years. These pills guaranteed triplets or your money back.

_Serves them right for not stopping Konohamaru. Vengeance is mind says Kami and I am Kami!_

**Hyuga Clan Estate**

The entire clan feared Haishi the moment they saw his face. Now even the day he had to sacrifice his own brother did Haishi display this level of anger. In the old days, everyone knew that everyone was going to get a taste of the bird seal. However, Haishi did not bother.

The fear of punishment was more effective than punishment itself.

"Get Neji, Naruto, and Hinata here now."

The branch family ran to comply. The main family took one more look at Haishi, turned around, and ran after the branch family.

Within minutes, the trio arrived.

"It seems that a little rodent named Konohamaru Sarutobi has seduced Hanabi. I want you to tell me everything you know or can guess about their present location."

It had been over a year since Hinata stuttered. Now the stutter was back in full force.

"Fah…fah…father. They stopped by our place. You are going to be a grandfather."

"Of course I know that I am going to be a grandfather again in three months. What about…"

"Fah…fah…father. They are going to make you a grandfather again in nine."

Pigs are in geosynchronous orbit. Monkeys everywhere are typing out the script for _Hamlet_. Hell had just frozen over. Demons cried out in fear. The devil cried uncle. There was a new bad boy coming down ready to take over hell and deliver it to all creation. His name was Haishi Hyūga and he made Chuck Norris look like Little Lord Fauntleroy, made the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse look like cuddly figures, made Big Bad Leroy Brown look like a Teletubby, and redefined the term badass.

"Hinata, I promise that I will not hurt Hanabi. However, Konohamaru has insulted our family. Instead of facing me like a man would face me, like I faced your maternal grandfather, he slinks into the shadows thinking that I would not find out. I will not kill the rodent. Killing is tooo gooood for some…something like that…knave. Neji, you are in charge of the clan in my absence. Hinata, I am going to borrow your husband for a hunting trip for one little weasel. His chastisement will be long and lingering. I will rain down doom on the doomed heads of my doomed enemy."

Hinata shuddered. The last time a Hyuga used that line, an entire village was leveled, everything was killed slowly, and the Land of Fertility became the Land of Hell and Brimstone. The insult…some idiot joked about a Hyūga boy's attachment to his stuff tiger. Hell was acomming and its name was Haishi.

"Is there anything more that I should know?"

"I got the bunnies."

"Hang unto the bunnies. I am going to give the girls of our family a little rodent as an early Christmas present first. Issue out the cheese graters and tell them who took the bunnies."

Naruto shuddered until he remembered the ramen dumping incident. Sympathy turned to anger as Naruto remembered the sacrilege. No one messes with the ramen.

_Konohamaru, see what happens when you mess with the Ramen gods._

**Two Days Run Outside the Village**

One could feel the doom radiating from the Konohagakure. It was a half day to Wave Country and then a week-long boat ride to the Village Hidden in the Mists. There was an explosion of hostile intent coming from the village.

"Kono-kun…I think daddy just found out," cried Hanabi.

If you have not seen the slugs face on the carton Corry's Snail and Slug Death, no amount of words could display the look on Konohamaru's face.

There was no time to wait. The pair looked at one another and started running. Little did they know that this would be the start of a world tour.

**Hokage's Tower**

"I want one hundred million ryo for the barely breathing body of that…defiler."

Shizune looked at the face of her mentor. She wanted to laugh. Konohamaru had done what no person ever done before. Tsunade Senju was sober.

An ANBU bodyguard poured tea and then sipped it prior to handing it to the hokage.

"It is safe to drink. No piss, mamm."

Shizune had to ask the question, "Missing nin status."

"No…not yet. Missing nins are killed on sight. Tsume wants this one to suffer a long, pain-filled life. This will be just a 'routine' disciplinary hearing."

The ominous cracking of knuckles proclaimed what kind of routine disciplinary hearing awaited the newly promoted chunin.

"Get me the Hyūga girls. I am allowing the Hyūga girls to get back in the torture game. Tell Ibiki that he will have a lot of apprentices this year. Also, increase the budget for cheese graters this year…I think that we will need it."

Shizune nodded. It was funny, but the boy had just written checks on his body that no Hyūga can cash.

**Panda-chan's Weapons Shop**

It was an early Christmas for Ten-Ten's family.

A line of pre-teen Hyūga girls lined up around the block with their mothers. One by one, each girl went in and bought a complete set of ninja gear, the most brutal looking weapon, and placed an order for a cheese grater and a metal meat tenderizing mallet. They did not insist on bargaining and was willing to pay full price for high quality gear.

Ten Ten counted the money as her shop was emptied. Everything from swords to the flying guillotine went. Electrocution tags, Indian burn tags, perpetual atomic wedgie tags. Any tag related to pain went out the dog in the hands of a little preteen giggling Hyūga girl. Ten Ten wondered if the little girl growing her belly was going to end up like her cousins. It was time to get stocked up because between Neji and herself, her little girl was going to find new and inventive ways to use pointy things on her foes.

_Note to self, do not mess with the bunnies._

Outside, little Hyūga girls were singing.

_Kono, Kono, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when we torture you_.

The village was becoming a scary place. Legions of pissed off Hyūga girls were going around town burning and cheese grating Konohamaru in effigy. Boys were scared. Usually girls were not scary until their first periods. Now there were sixty-seven little girls ready to show the world why you don't mess with their bunnies.


	9. Run monkeybaka run!

**The morning after**

**Run monkey-baka run!**

**By Pat Squared**

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**Thanks**: A toast to Notgonnasay09 for giving me the line, "FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS SACRED, RUN! RUN YOU LITTLE BRUNETTE MONKEY-BAKA!" in a review for the previous chapter. Your prize is a virtual cookie and a virtual boot to the head (Couldn't resist). Thanks to the creators of _Ren and Stimpy_ for their _Don't Whiz on the Electric Fence_ song. For those of you who did not review, another boot to the head and a bathroom trip to the electric fence!

**Synopsis**: Konohamaru and Hanabi are in trouble. With pissed-off daddy Haishi Hyūga and the entire village of Konohagakure after the pair, the pair now embarks on their quest to remain alive, intact, and ungrounded.

**Story**

"Ahhhhh!"

Konohamaru awoke to a pair of pupil-less eyes two inches away from his own. These were the eyes in his nightmares and his wet dreams. In this case, these eyes belonged to his wet dream, not the father-in-law from hell.

The voice laughed at him, "I didn't know that I was still that scary."

"Girl, if your father was not out to kill me, you would have scared twenty years of my life. It would be kind of neat to live to be as old as _ojiisan_ (grandpa). Maybe not that old, but at least old enough to play catch the _shiruken_ (ninja stars) with the kids"

The little girl smiled and then flicked Konohamaru's little pal.

"Ouch!"

"Do as I say. All we have to do is make it alive until the delivery. Once he sees the kid, father would not…"

"Sure, he still needs you to breastfeed the baby. He does not need me anymore."

"Are you sure that he will not find us?"

Konohamaru wondered how this girl could be the rookie of the year. He shook his head.

"He will find us. I just hope to die of a heart attack from all this running first. Besides, I have to show Naruto who is the best pranker in the world. I have a lot more folks to prank! There is Wave, Iwa, Kumo, Grass, Waterfall, Mist, Sound…a whole world to prank."

He paused at he got another glimpse of the legendary Hyūga mammary glands. They were not overly big like Tsunade's or Hinata's (not that he will ever admit to peeking in on Oniisan Naruto and Oneesan Hinata during their wedding night), but they were a nice B-cup with the perky upturn unique to young girls. He did not bother trying to hide the nose bleed. Hanabi looked at him as if he was growing a penis out of his forehead.

"…Melons, honeydew, and a touch of cantaloupe."

She gave him the same look that one reserves for a loved one going senile.

**Kabuto's Office, Sound Village**

"Hebi-baka!"

Kabuto snarled another curse as he wondered how Orochimaru could be so frigging stupid. If Kabuto was not Orochimaru's personal medic-nin for so many years, he would have long concluded that the pedophile had his brains rotted out from some STD obtained from some child-brothel. Everyone knew that the kids in the child brothels had more STD's than the typical streetwalker. At least the streetwalkers were experienced enough to go to a doctor to treat the crotch rot.

Orochimaru was stupid to even wish to be a _kage_. Not only does a _kage_ tend to have the misfortune to not die of old age, but they had to deal with Kabuto's current foe…paperwork.

If it were important paperwork, Kabuto would grudgingly do it. The smooth running of the Hidden Sound Villages relied on keeping track of logistics, intelligence, and activities of six different village complexes with hundreds of miles of tunnel complexes linking them like a demented ant farm. However, could not his subordinates decide what color to paint the hospital waiting rooms?

Kabuto wanted to spend time on his research. Nope…he was stuck deciding if the hospital waiting rooms should be standard white or ultra lemon in color. The worst part was his subordinates wrote lengthy arguments about which colors they recommend, but they could not just make a simple choice. As long as the minor things were done adequately, Kabuto did not care to make object lessons out of his nins. Ripping out organs of your ninja's bodies over minor issues was counterproductive. Unlike Orochimaru, Kabuto actually prized initiative from clever subordinates.

In the past, Orochimaru would slay the minion that dare waste his time or bring him bad news. Now that Orochimaru mind was trapped in Kabuto's body, Kabuto was stuck trying to revive the Sound.

Being the kage of a new hidden village was hell on earth times an infinity and beyond.

Most of his ninja were genin straight from the orphanages ran through a six month class. In the more twisted countries, they would be fodder for the academy students to practice their killing moves upon. To Kabuto, these unwanted children were his only assets. He could not afford to waste his ninjas on experimental upgrades as Orochimaru did. Instead, Kabuto had them out posing as independent ninja doing D and C-ranked missions to get the money necessary to run the village and recruit more orphans. Due to the losses from the invasion and Orochimaru's reputation for perversion and experimentation, it was hard to attract the chunin and jonin level ninja needed to properly teach the kids. Toss in the occasional raid from Suna and Konohagakure, it was almost impossible to make progress in building a capable force that could protect the village and carve out a niche in the ninja world.

It was ten minutes to Kabuto's worst nightmare next to being Orochimaru's little butt buddy. Due to the lack of capable instructors, he, the leader of Sound Village, had to personally teach the next generation of Sound ninja. He had to face an auditorium of half-feral brats with Orochimaru screaming inside his head to start fondling the little boys.

Kabuto _hated...loathed_ child molesters. Thankfully, by the time he was stuck working for the pedophile snake-sannin, he was too old to sexually attract the pedophile snake. Nevertheless, it was a close call.

To survive working for a paranoid freak, Kabuto had to play Russian roulette by repeatedly offering his life for one of the freaks experiments. It was a close call several times, but Kabuto convinced the snake sanin that he was worth more unaltered than undergoing one of Orochimaru's twisted experiments.

Kabuto was proud that not even a proctologist got a chance to probe his ass. Contrary to what many said back in Konoha, Kabuto liked females. He got into spying because he enjoyed pepping on females. He was as perverted as Jaraiya, but he was better. No one, save for Itachi Uchiha, caught him in the act. His favorite fantasies involved cougars, preferably the MILF variety, teaching their teenage daughters how to please him and then having the teen practice.

For far too many years, he had to play the role of the nerd. If it was not for his occupation as a spy, he could have been the next Kakashi, less the creepy porn obsession. He could have been a sex god and show that limped dick Yamanaka that knock up his whore mother what a real man with mind reading powers could do. Being able to read the female mind was better than any other bloodline trait. When he was serious about seduction, Kabuto batted a perfect 1000.

Once Orochimaru was out of the picture, Kabuto spent a lot of time cleaning up the Sound Village. He shut down all the child brothels. Kabuto personally used the numerous pedophiles that Orochimaru attracted to Sound as subjects for the Sound Ninja Academy's medical dissection and torture class. That act alone cemented the loyalty of the children that made up the majority of the Sound Village ninja forces.

The only reason he ever worked for Orochimaru was that the pedophile bastard paid him very well. To top it off, Itachi Uchiha paid him ever more to spy on Orochimaru's activities. You could be the one of the top ninja in the world, but even Kabuto was wise enough to fear Itachi's wrath. Now Itachi was dead and Kabuto was on his own just trying to survive long enough to build a village strong enough that he could retire and spend his time building a perverted clan that rivaled the Hyūgas. He vowed to pay back his unknown Yamanaka father for leaving him to be raised by a roadside whore.

A horse…a horse…my kingdom for a horse," muttered Kabuto.

It was ironic that the ninja that did not ever want to be a kage was stuck being a kage.

Kabuto remembered Naruto Uzumaki. Uzumaki was always bragging how he was going to be the next hokage. He could have it and Sound too, as long as Kabuto could simply retire without a price on his head. Uzumaki was a worthy foe and Kabuto was one of the few that survived a confrontation with the orange clad ninja. He even missed watching the young Uzumaki being chased by ANBU after pulling pranks.

Kabuto thought for a second. He had a semi-photographic memory, one he burned information on his cards using chakra, the ex-medical ninja could remember everything he burned even if he lost the card. Kabuto had burned tens of thousands of cards and could instantly recall every last stroke on every last character. He blanked out his mind, punished Orochimaru by imagining a hot springs with several teenage versions of Tsunade Senju going totally into fan-girl mode for the Snake, and then proceed to connect the dots while enjoying Orochimaru's pleas for mercy.

It was going to be hard on Sound's finances, but pranking would be the secret to training the ninja he needed. Play was one thing that all children love to do. If he could convince the children that his training program was one übercool game of playing ninja…

It was Kabuto's playing ninja that help him become one of the best ninja in the world. It ensured Itachi caught Kabuto, at age eight spying on the women's bath. At the time, Kabuto was playing ninja…he thought that girls had cooties. Kabuto, although he was not trained in the Yamanaka mind control techniques, managed to inherit enough talent from his unknown father and develop sufficient skill to convince Itachi to let him go as Itachi's spy, even though Itachi nearly killed him for diving into his mind. It was that moment that Kabuto was fated to end up here. No matter how good you are in spying you were bound to be discovered.

Playing ninja and pranking would perhaps be the training tool he needed to develop capable ninja in between the other training.

Kabuto calculated the costs as an ephany struck him. He could have one group of kids pranks the hell out of a community and then offer his services at a discount to scare the prankers off. It would be both train his genin, build goodwill with other communities, and enrich Sound's overstrained treasury.

As Kabuto grabbed his training supplies, he started formulating the Sound Villages New Training Program and Operation Prank and Blackmail. What he did not know was the he was throwing napalm on the fire emerging from Konoha.

Weathermen know that when two fronts collide, weather gets interesting. When you have three weather-fronts colliding trouble is brewing. Konoha and Hanabi were the hot front. Haishi and the sixty-seven preteen Hyūga girls was the cold front. Now Sound was going to be the third front.

If fate had any mercy, it would interfere. That was assuming that fate was merciful.

**The Road to Wave**

If you were a typical betting man, the smart money would be betting that Naruto would outlast Haishi Hyūga in a long distance race. However, after a day and half, Naruto was getting winded. Haishi had yet to break a sweat, let alone show any visible signs of fatigue.

_God damn it...That old man...when I catch up to him..._

The curses were going through Naruto's head. If Kiba or any of Naruto's other friends saw him getting wiped by a man old enough to be his father...

Haishi made the motion to halt.

Naruto almost stumbled into his father in law.

"Do not even bother. You are out of shape…Hinata has been feeding you too much ramen and not giving you enough exercise."

This was far beyond Haishi's typical daily word count. Haishi could teach Sasuke how to communicate with grunts. Naruto wanted to retort, but he was too busy to catch his breath. The fox was laughing in his head.

"You father lacked stamina too. He ate too much ramen. The tracks split up here."

Naruto was about to make the sign to summon shadow clones.

"Do not even bother. Konohamaru is good enough to summon ten shadow clones. He even got half of them to henge into Hanabi. The problem is that he underestimated me!"

"Huh?"

Naruto was stunned and he showed his limitations by putting on the Uzumaki trademarked face of stupidity.

Haishi's face went from anger to a half-smile. No one ever saw Haishi smile. It was creepy to see the joy of the hunt radiate across the face of the Hyūga clan leader. It was a twisted smile that made Naruto think of Jaraiya-sensei's smile when peeping at the ladies hot springs. It was twisted in a way that reminded one of Ebenezer Scrooge's smiles of glee while throwing out a widow and starving children out into a winter blizzard. It was more disturbing than Orochimaru getting first crack of placing his sixty-year-old hot dog between virgin five-year-old buns.

Smiles simply were not the Hyūga thing. At the wedding, Haishi's face was in the trademark Hyūga mask with the patented _'If you ever make my daughter cry anything but tears of happiness, I will dissect you…slowly like and then feed your balls to the gaters'_ look that all fathers of the bride perfected..

"You father had the nasty habit of trying to ditch Jaraiya and I when your father had plans with your mother. Minato might not love the shadow clone as much as you, but he tried using it. The problem was that he had once broken in his right leg in a spar. Since then, there was a slight hitch in the step. He never noticed, but I did. He could fake all the tracks but only one set showed that hitch."

"But how does that help? And why were you chasing my father?"

"Your father, for all his skill, was an idiot and a klutz. More than once, I had to track down his sorry arse and save him from his stupidity. Jaraiya-sensei had us all hone our spying skills by peeping at the female _jonin_ baths and drawing what we saw. Of course, your old man was only good for stick figures.

"Your father would expose us and I had to drag your father away from the mob. If you though Anko was crazy, her mother was an ANBU lieutenant that went on a few too many S-classed missions if you catch my drift. She would chase us around the village threatening to castrate us. If you could not run and sleep at the same time, no more fun time for your little pal. My job was to do the dirty work and babysit your father while he played the role of hero. _Kami_ sure did look after that _baka_ (idiot) cause he was the biggest fool I ever saw.

"Oh, the girls loved his humor. It was the humor of the inept stumbling on the path of life. Kakashi uses all Minato's excuses. The sad truth, they were all true for your father. He did walk a hundred blind old ladies across the street, rescue that demon cat from the tree, and got lost on the path of life twice in a single block."

Haishi took another swig of his drink.

"It was my job to make sure that he did not hurt himself, get loss, get raped by a mob of his fans, or overstrain what little brains sat between his ears. If it did not involve seals or locating the nearest ramen stand, you father's mind was next to useless and his sense of direction...forget it. He had more girls on a string than my family has money and he did not know it. Girls and fan boys were throwing themselves at him and he could not embrace the teachings of the _gods of hentai_. I thought that he was gay until he ignore Uchiha Fugaku-_uke's _seduction attempts at the hot springs. He is proof that sons end up like the father.

"Your mother had to drug your father, strip him, rape him, and sport a growing belly before he figured out that she loved him and wanted to bear his children. I thought that Hinata would have to do the same to you and wondered why I was not a grandfather much earlier. There was a betting pool you know."

Haishi's half laugh fell of his face.

Naruto was stunned.

Not only was Haishi talkative in his sleep, but Haishi personally knew his father. Naruto knew who his father was. He knew since the night that Mizuki tricked him into stealing that scroll. Everyone in the village spoke of his father as some kind of ninja god. Even Jaraiya spoke of his father as some kind of superman. Here was the only man in the entire village that was willing to tell him about the real dad he never met, even if every other word was baka. Naruto uncharacteristically decided to keep his mouth shut. Maybe Haishi would let more details.

"Hanabi, once broke her right leg falling out of a tree when she was first learning how to tree walk. Since then, she pushes off harder on her left foot then on the right. Notice how the left foot print is slightly deeper than the right. Due to the extra strength in her left leg, she prefers kicking with it. She never noticed it. I never had the reason to tell her. We older men learn to use the head between the ears, slow down, notice things, and then apply our knowledge and experience to solve the problem instead of charging in. That is why if a ninja survives 15-years, he or she is generally going to retire unless they are misfortunate to end up with a genin team that gets them killed first."

Haishi paused.

"Stay behind me. They are trying to leap from stone to stone. I can see the rock scrapes and impression." Haishi snarled a curse towards the heavens, "Nice try, fuck face!"

Haishi's accent changed from the prim-nobleman to that of the mangrove swamp folk from Wave.

"Tell that little rodent that the trick with the shadow clones was good. I'm better. I have track Mist jonin in the fog and rain, Kumo jonin on their home turf. Minato and I crapped on their kage's bed and pissed on his face. I posted the entire town with nude pictures of his wife and sister expressing their love of Yuri. Why do you think Kumo wants me dead long before you were born?"

Hiashi opened his canteen and took a sip of some vile liquor made from juniper berries. He called it gin and it was the one thing that keep his blood pressure down.

"Nothing ever stopped me from finding my prey. Keep a-running little boy…I am going to run you to death for a light appetizer and then resurrect you for the cocktails, salad course, main course, and again for desert before giving you to the girls for thieving them bunnies, you monkey-baka. Run little monkey-baka, run. I dare you to keep running, runt. You betta run cuz I got my eyes on you, boy. You ain't going to be pissing in an upright position when I gut you slowly and feed your tallywhacker to the gaters. Do not get sick on me, cuz them gators gots to eats too. In my world, the Uchiha (the equivalent of the Maranda Warning in the United States) warning goes, 'Holler all yall want little shit, cuz it don't phase me none' and due process means that I will do it all slowly like so you don't die too soon.' Ibiku does not have half the skill I have in making a tough guy talk."

Haishi walked down the road for another mile, flexing his hands as he followed the trail. It was like working with an Inuzuka hound, but with eyes rather than a nose.

"As for you, Naruto, if you ever tell anyone that I am sentimental or anything about a trip down memory lane, or your child will be an only child…_Wakarimasu ka_? (Understand)"

The gates to the past were closed. Naruto could finally see the exhaustion in Haishi's half-closed eyes. The man was half-asleep and rambling as he tracked Hanabi's footprints.

Naruto was not scared of much. He faced Pein. He faced Gaara when Gaara was homicidal. He dealt with Sasuke Uchiha in the final stages of the curse mark. Naruto had faced many things that would scare even a hardened ANBU operative. Naruto had only three fears. (1) Hinata would suddenly stop loving him. (2) The gods banned ramen forever. (3) Haishi Hyūga coming after him with the legendary Hyūga castration strike.

Naruto could hear the soft snore as Haishi Hyūga, asleep on his feet, somehow followed the right set of tracks. He was tempted to wake up the old man. However, Naruto had an unusual moment of wisdom.

_Maybe it would not be safe to waken the sleeping bear_. _It was safer to get between a pack of Inuzuka hounds and a big, juicy rare USDA prime steak than to wake up a sleeping Hyūga._

Naruto still sported the aches and pains from his encounter with that lesson.

Hinata was very violent if startled awake. Naruto came close to losing his little pal the last time he suddenly woke her up. Naruto did not want to see if maybe she inherited that from her father. Besides, it was kind of neat how the old man could sleep and track with his eyes half-closed. If only he could learn the trick of working while sleeping, maybe dealing with the paperwork demons would be so much easier.

**Wave Country**

_Ninjas were trouble. Even passing through, they were trouble_.

Tarzuna had learned that lesson many years ago when Wave was subjugated by Gato's thugs. With the bridge and the economic boom, there were a lot of ninjas passing through Wave. They got so bad that Wave had to hire a retired Leaf _jonin_ to held the local watch and keep the passing ninja from tearing apart the town. Every weekend, some ninja kid would see some other ninja kid wearing a different headband and fight. Cleaning up the mess kept Tarzuna's work crews fully employed.

The old man drank down a gulp of Kumo's famed _Oniko_ (demon child) sake. It was a poor imitation of Whirlpool's legendary _Onikoroshi _(Demon slayer) sake, but there were only six cases of the good stuff left and Tarzuna was saving those for a very special occasion.

There was the feeling of trouble and it was coming from the direction of Konohagakure. Akira, the retire Leaf jonin, did not have to tell him that something bad happened. Having felt the killing intent of the former Mist-nin Momochi Zabuza and lived, Tarzuna was an expert at detecting killing intent.

He shuddered at the killing intent coming from the direction of Konohagakure. It made Momochi Zabuza's killing intent feel like a Barney the Purple Pedophile Dinosaur 'I love you, you love me' sing-along or the guy in the green and white striped shirt singing along to _Blue's Clues_.

Tarzuna decided to do the prudent thing. He went down to his basement to wait out the coming storm of trouble with a case or five of his liquid pals.

Tsunami, Tarzuna's daughter, heard a scream of anguish coming from the basement.

She ran down to the basement. Her father's face was white as he was clutching his chest in pain.

"My precious…my precious's. Someone stole my precious!"

The basement was empty. Someone stole the world's largest collection of high end sake. There was a note carved into one of the wooden beams.

_Thanks for the sake old man. I normally would not steal an old man's last pride and joy, but when my father-out-of-law catches up with me...your sake will be the only action I will have for the rest of my long, lingering, pain-filled existence._

_Your sake will be used for a good cause. Thanks to the gods of sake, I only have lost my virginity, had the best sex of my life with the most beautiful girl in the world, and will be father in nine months. Tell Haishi Hyūga that I love Hanabi. We are going out into the world to make a lot of little Konohamaru's and Hanabi's. We will not be back until things have calmed down a bit back home._

_Konohamaru Sarutobi._

_P/S.: Naruto-oniisan and Haishi Hyūga-ojiisan will pay the bill. Naruto-niisan also has the recipe for the legendary Uzumaki Onikoroshi. Do not let him go without giving you the recipe. Tell Naruto-oniisan to watch out…I am going to take his title the Prince of Pranks away from him. I already got the hat and it fits quite nicely. If he wants to see the work of a prank master - Just follow the screams of outrage._

There was a second note pinned to the beam with a needle.

_Daddy,_

_I know you are upset at the two of us_

_I did not plan on all this happening, but it happened for the best. At least this way, I know I am getting a husband who loves me for me…not because I am your heir or because of the money I stood to inherit. At least this way, I do not have to come up with a lie to politely turn down that bugger eating third son of the dynamo. At least I am not sharing my first time with an overweight, forty-year-old, nose-picking virgin. I know that you would do your best to stop the arranged marriage, but Konoha could not withstand the resulting economic crisis. In the end, Tsunade-sama would have to order me to bear the fat bastard's brats._

_I wished I could say that this was all part of a masterplan to avoid a fate worst than death, but kami has a unique way of answering the prayer, 'Deliver me from all fools, morons, and imbeciles'. Besides, the sake responsible was Onikoroshi. I am now on a quest to get as much as we can since it is only fitting that the family should celebrate the birth of a new member with the same sake responsible for the new member's conception._

_I _**am**_ keeping both my baby and the father. I know that you do not like Kono-kun very much. He is brash, obnoxious, forgets to bath on occasion, and everything a Hyūga is taught from childhood to loath. However, after living a life trapped by the expectations of our family, he is the breath of fresh air. With him, I am not the ice princess. I am simply Hanabi-chan._

_I will not be back for a while. Tell Neji-oniisan and Hinata-oneesan that I love them and will miss them. Please just leave us be. It is better this way for all of us. I will try to talk some sense into my husband's head and get him to calm down so that he will be a good role model for our son. Tell the girls that I am sorry about the rabbits, but Konohamaru risked his life retrieving Mr. Bungles because he loved me and did not want to see me cry._

_Should something happen, please let Hinata raise my son. Split my money between her and Neji. Maybe soon, I will be able to see you all. Until then,_

_I give you my love,_

_Hanabi_

Tsunami wiped the tears out of her eyes. It was all for love, just like in the novels. Besides, anyone that could keep her drunken father away from the sake bottle could not be evil with a capital E. It will be interesting to see her father sober for the first time in decades.

"Tsunami, watch the village. I am going to catch me a jumping monkey (Sarutobi means Monkey Jumps) and enjoy the monkey feast. No one touches my precious and lives. I don't care if it is the one thing that saves the world from the wrath of _Kami_, he stole my precious...my beautiful precious."

**On the other side of Wave**

"Do you think the old man will be upset," asked Hanabi, "I mean you took all the sake and did not leave him a bottle."

"Do not worry. We already have your father chasing us. It cannot get much worse," replied Konohamaru.

Suddenly a mushroom cloud of killing, nay torturing for a long, long time intent went off in Wave.

Hanabi gulped, "I think the old is on to us. Run Monkey-baka run."

The pair took off and ran to their next stop on the world tour.


	10. Entering the Mist

**Going into the Mist**

**The Morning After**

**By Pat Squared**

**Disclaimer**

The Fan Fiction Network Authors Alliance Against Autonomy [FFNA4] has brought you another public service message. We have contracted with the copy ninjas of _Kinkogakure no sato _(The village hidden at your local Kinko's copy center). Unless you post a review, the Kinko's copy ninjas will sneak into your parent's house, make copies of your most embarrassing photographs from your childhood, and distribute them to your friends, family, potential mates, and any enemies you may have. In addition, the Kinkogakure nin will post the most embarrassing family photos and videos on FaceBook, Google Plus, Flicker, MySpace, and YouTube for everyone to see for all eternity. Mwahahahahahahahaha!

If you destroyed all your embarrassing photos in an attempt to thwart the Kinko's copy ninjas, they will Photoshop you doing illegal acts with that spandex wearing walrus at the nude beach, tell Rock Lee and Maito Gai that you need to be inspired by the power of youth, or worse yet , do both.

**Review** or be ready for a midnight visit by the Kinko's copy ninjas nearest you.

*** Story Starts Here ***

**Sakura's Clinic, Konohagakure**

If it were not for Hinata's help, the village would not know the full details about the impending population boom. With the exception of one rookie genin team (Because one girl was on guard duty at the Hyūga estate, the other girl was stuck working a shift at the Yamanaka Flowershop, and the boy, an Akemchi, was too busy trying to bankrupt an all you can eat buffet) all the other males on the newly formed genin teams were on D-rank missions playing carpenters building nurseries and cribs to cope with the upcoming population boom they had help create. Half of Sakura's task was identifying which team member was the father of what particular fetus. Due to the fertility pills and the fact that _genin_ team typically has a 2:1 boy to girl mix - most of the girls had at least one upcoming child from each male on the team.

With an average of two point six extra chakra sources per female ninja, Sakura was cursing being the head OB/GYN/Pediatrics medic-nin for the entire village. Sure, the civilian doctors could handle deliveries for any civilian girls knocked up, but the laws of Konohagakure required that female ninja and females from bloodline clans use medic-nins or clan mid-wives for all ninja births. The placentas had a lot of genetic information that Konoha could not risk falling into the hands of other villages. That is why the ninja OB/GYN units were guard by ANBU operatives and all personnel inside were medic-nins that were screened thoroughly by Inochi Yamanaka himself. Now Sakura was looking forward to over three hundred and sixty deliveries in forty weeks. With five of them from Akemchi females...Sakura was already prepping for the rush.

The worst part…she was two months pregnant before all this happened. Thankfully, this one would be a single birth. Sakura would have to subject herself to the breast pump and tell her husband, Lee that he could train his flames of youth by taking care of the twins and her upcoming newborn. However, if she ever caught him doing the _Sunset no jutsu_, preaching about the joys of youth, or making her kids wear green spandex and orange leg warmers, she will use everything that her mentor, Tsunade the slug-sanin, taught her about bitch-smacking perverts, pound all the _youth_ out of Lee and his uncle Maito, and send the _youth-loving_ pair to an early grave. Lee was fast, but he was not faster than his wife when Sakura is going to lay the chakra-enhanced beat-down.

Before this, there were enough female medic-nins to handle all but the worse cases. Now she had her planned maternity leave short to take care of this.

Hanabi definitely will be scheduled for a natural delivery with no epidurals.

_Make that bitch feel the pain…feel the pain Hanabi-hime_. _Feel the pain as that baby rips yout twat from the inside out. I hope you spend twenty-four hours in labor before you have a vaginal delivery. I will ensure that your baby weights at least nine pounds. Nine pounds of pain…beautiful pain. Pain...I promise you hours of pain, bitch. Teach you to mess with me! Mwuhahahahahahahaha..._

There were very few times that Sakura agreed with the voice inside her head. However, both were contemplating ways to increase the pain factor when it came time for one Hyūga princess to deliver her nine-month souvenir.

_**Kirigakure no sato**_** (The Village Hidden in the Mists)**

Long known as the Village of the Bloody Mist, Kirigakure no sato had seen its shares of tragedies. For generations, young prospective genin fought one another to the death to earn their place in the ninja forces of the Mist. The practice continued for generations until Zabuza Momochi, later known as the Demon of the Mist, slew an entire graduating class. After generations of mentally unstable rulers, it appeared that maybe the village hidden in the Mists would have a chance to regain its strength.

The fifth Mizukage Mei Terumi looked out of her window into the fog that covered most of the village. She had to rebuild the strength of the village. The paranoia of the forth Mizukage had driven out most of the bloodlines out of the Land of Water and the few that fought back where killed when Zabuza's _coup de etat_ failed. The purges had weakened the Mist ninja forces until only tradition ensured that the head of Kirigakure was still recognized as a _kage_.

Mei Terumi wondered what would have happened if Zabuza succeeded. No one alive knew that she had helped him get close enough to almost kill the forth Mizukage Yagura, but not even the Demon of the Mist could succeed against the prison warden of a tailed beast. It was Mei Terumi's efforts that ensured that her former lover manage to escape the hunter-nin that the former mizukage, Yagura, sent after him.

_Zabuza-kun, you wanted to see this day._

Mei looked at the stack of paperwork threatening to make her desk implode from its shear mass. Any more, the mass would spontaneously form a black hole and suck all of creation inside. Mei suppressed half a chuckle. Zabuza would probably pull out his sword and turn the paperwork into confetti before turning on the idiot dumb enough to waste his time on minutia. He was direct, too direct to be an effective administrator or politician…a great field commander…but some unlucky subordinate would have to do all the paperwork for him. No…fate ensured that she would be stuck fighting a kage's ultimate nightmare - paperwork.

'_Buza, you must be laughing at me. I promise you that when I see you in the afterlife, I will kick your ass before shoving that sword where the sun never shined_.

Mei poured some tea into her cup. Sake was good for reminiscing about the past, but sake had to wait until the paperwork was completed. She admired the Leaf's Godarime Senju Tsunade, but disliked the fact that the vain, old sennin drank sake like a fish when there was still a job to do. Worst yet, Konohagakure had the shadow clone. Shadow clones could do all the paperwork. Mei's water clones – Sure they could hold the pen and sign a document, but tended to soak the paperwork in the process.

_Note to self – Next jonin that pisses me off gets sent on a mission to obtain the shadow clone jutsu. Maybe a fire jutsu or two to clean out this mess?_

She looked at the intelligence reports. Kumo, Iwa, Sound, and Sand were all busy with rebuilding. The alliances of the hidden villages dealt with the Akatsuki threat. Seeing the most dangerous _nuke-nin_ being defeated had cause the others to lie low. The few that did not get the message were dealt with by hunter-nin of various hidden villages. All looked calm until she looked at the intelligent reports from her agent in the Leaf Village.

She had read old reports about an academy student named Naruto Uzumaki pranking the Leaf Villiage, but the report on her desk had to be someone deciding to recycle all the clippings from old intelligence reports. She had meet the young blond and even talked to him. This was too much for even the _legendary kage bushin_ master that Naruto was to contemplate let alone do.

She looked at the eyes of her intelligence chief. He had long ago acted as her mentor, but now she was the one making the decisions.

"Tell me that this is some kind of joke."

The cripple old _jonin_ slowly shook his head.

"I personally made sure that my agents were not huffing smoke or hitting the bottle. Two recently promoted _chunin_ did all this."

"_Nani _(What)! Two rookie chunin…what the hell is Leaf doing to train its ninja force. More importantly how do we get our ninja forces to catch up to their level of skill. Tell me what happened."

"The Leaf Village is preparing for something.

"According to hospital records, just about every konichi of child bearing age is expecting. In twelve years, they will have doubled the pool of potential ninja. Morino Ibiki and Anko Umino, formerly Orochimaru apprentice, got sixty-seven pre-teen Hyūga girls, barely academy students the bloody lot, to train under him as field interrogators. Dozens of pre-teen Hyūga girls lined around the block buying weapons from the shop of Tenten Hyūga, formerly Tenten no Kajiya (the blacksmith), a semi-retired _chunin_ with a reputation for being a weapons mistress and a master weapon-smith. We have also found out that Leaf dispatched a newly promoted _jonin, _named Naruto Uzumaki, and an experienced ANBU commander. Their orders are to hunt down and capture the two chunin responsible. I do not have the name of the ANBU…just the codename. It's Owl."

Mei silently contemplated the news with her usual smile as she processed the information.

**Note one** – Make cyanide-teeth mandatory issue for all mizugakure-nin. The ninja world breathed a sigh of relief when the Hyūga were no longer in the interrogation business. Now the Hyūga girls would be back with their cat-o-nine tails. The Yamanaka were mind readers. Ibiki could mess with your mind. Anko could keep you hurting for quite a while. A Hyūga could break a ninja, get them to spill their most intimate secrets, and twist the most loyal nin into servants loyal to their Hyūga mistresses.

**Note two** – Start a ninja breeding program. In thirteen years, Konoha would have a rookie genin pool that would outnumber most hidden villages' total ninja forces. Konoha has quality and would soon have quantity. As a former Iwa-jonin once commented "Quantity had a quality all its own."

**Note three** – Konohagakure ANBU ninja were among the best ninja in the world and worst yet known for having the best team work ethic in the ninja world. Itachi Uchiha was an ANBU captain, codenamed Weasel, before slaughtering his powerful blood-lined clan in a single night. Kakashi, the Copy-Cat nin was an ANBU captain, codenamed _Inu_ (dog) before taking on a genin team with the neo-sennin Sasuke Uchiha, Sakura Haruno, and Naruto Uzumaki.

However, there were four ANBU feared above all. Kitsune (fox), Ryu (dragon), Hebi (snake) and Owl. No one had seen Kitsune in a generation since Minato Namikaze, the fourth Hokage, sealed the Kyuubi no Kitsune into one Naruto Uzumaki. Ryu and Hebi were semi-retired, but known for being able to kill anyone. Twice, Ryu had snuck into the residences a dynamo (warlord's) and painted warnings on the sleeping dynamo's face as a message to cease and desist all activities against the Leaf Village. Hebi has slain seventy highly protected targets and left only the shed skins of a snake.

However, Owl was the most feared. The only name more fear was that of the 4th Hokage, Minato Namikaze.

Kumo nin would tell their children that if they did not behave that the Owl would get them. Heads of Kumo nin routinely would be delivered along with a single owl feather via messenger -nin from all over the world. Every Halloween, the ninja of Kumo would huddle around the campfire and tell Owl stories and jokes about how he kicked a horse in the head and now all its descendants are giraffes. Rumor was that Owl was the spymaster of Konoha and there were no secrets with the Owl around.

Mei remembered using dogs to hunt wild pigs as a youth. They worked in teams. Tracking dogs and chase dogs. The tracking dog would locate the boar and then the chase dogs would bring the boar down. Owl was the tracking dog and Uzumaki was the chase dog. These two would not be used to hunt an ordinary missing nin. Only an S-ranked nin warrented the attention of Konoha's elite nin. Konoha was risking its two most important ninja on this mission.

"What were the names of the chunin?"

Kirigakure no sato's spymaster looked in his notes.

"Sarutobi Konohamaru and Hyūga Hanabi."

Mei thought through her options. She had reports from the last chunin examination.

Everyone, even civilians, knew about the Hyūga clan. Since the death of Hyūga clan leader Haishi Hyūga, his brother and successor, Hizashi Hyūga, had been plotting something terrible (As far as the world outside Konoha knows, Haishi committed seppuku, not Hizashi. Konoha did not brag about the switch and Kumo did not want the world to know they got played into getting the wrong corpse). Kumo swore when their best ninja just disappeared without a trace, it was the work of Hizashi Hyūga. The village of Kumo was holding its breath waiting for the Hyūga clan to exact its revenge for the death of its clan head. The Hyūga married off Haishi's first born daughter to Uzumaki Naruto, the carrier of the nine-tailed fox demon that successfully faced down Pein and his merry band of S- and double-S-classed missing nin. Mei knew that the young jonin would probably succeed Tsunade Senju as the hokage.

However, the only thing she knew of the Sarutobi family were the fact that the third Hokage was a Sarutobi and that Konohamaru only male left in the family. The family did not have a bloodline per say, but had a relatively large chakra reserve, access to thousands of techniques, and the ability to apply jutsu in imaginative ways. The family had to have thousands of ninjutsu in its possession and worse yet, seemed to pull out dozens more with every generation.

To have those two working for her would ensure that the Mist would once again be able to stand up to any village.

"We will not interfere with the hunt…yet. Our official stance is that this dispute is an internal matter of the Leaf Village. However, if the two decided to seek asylum from our village…just maybe we can regain some new blood to strengthen our village. Hyūga that can throw over a thousand jutsu…That would be quit a boost. Let them know that they have a friend and a place to stay in Kirigakure if they want one."

Mei could count the number of bloodlines in the Mist Village using one hand. The first was the one that she hid from the world for so many years – the Futton and Youton Creation.

The second bloodline was the one that Zabuza had, the Water-Whisker. It was a subtle bloodline, giving the member an affinity for water jutsu and using the water in the air to feel charka in the environment around them like a cat's whiskers feeling around in the dark. Everyone thought that it was his ears that allowed him to hunt. However, even if Zabuza went deaf and blind, he could hunt you anywhere there was the slightest bit of moisture. It made his silent killing technique almost unstoppable. Now it resided with Mei's daughter, Nene, along with the Futton and Youton creation.

The third was the Hyouton (Ice release) bloodline. The last master of the bloodline perished with the death of Zabuza protégé Haku. Now, it was held by two orphans recently found wandering in the countryside.

The fourth bloodline belonged to Ranmaru who now worked at the Curry of Life shop.

The fifth bloodline was the ultimate secret of the Hidden Mist.

The previous Mizukage Yagura was not killed like many thought. Instead an ancient ritual was performed to force him to reincarnate in order to preserve the tailed beast that lived inside of him. Kami has punished him by making him into what he hated the most…a little girl with a bloodline and more confidence issues than a certain, lavender-eyed, constantly-fainting Hyūga female at the height of her terminal shyness. Maiko had the ability to pass her body through solid objects including living things. It would be a very effective technique in the hands of a ninja, but for now, the little girl used it to hide from all but a small handful of people.

Mei contemplated her options. At best, she would have a new bloodline and hundreds of jutsu for her forces to use. At worse, Konohagakure would be a weakened position for a while. While the current leadership of Konohagakure was relatively peaceful, Danzo Shiuma, the former head of the Root Anbu, was proof that there were elements of Konohagakure's ruling council with imperialistic impulses. Even with the former head of Root ANBU being locked up in a mental ward fearing anal rape by Orochimaru, Barney the Purple pedophile dinosaur, Michael Jackson, and some gender-confused, purse-carrying Teletuby did not mean that his followers did not still have an agenda to subjugate the rest of the world.

Mei did not survive purges and suffer through the rebuilding efforts to see her village a vassal for the Leaf or any other village.

Mei looked at the stack of papers imagining Zabuza storming in, chopping the stack and desk in twain, and then using the water whisker to tickle her in that very sensitive spot that most other guys seem to miss. _Damn it – what does a konoichi have to do get a well-hung lover with a lot of endurance?_

**Back in Konoha**

It was a good week, it was a bad week. Kiba looked at Akamaru in disgust.

"_Motherfucker…"_ Akamaru muttered at his human partner.

"Grandmother fucker…"

"_At least I got to shelp my grandma, kibble. Your grandma smacked you upside your stupid head with her walker because you could not get it up one more time after you became a mofo."_

"You just had to screw the triplets."

"_You just had to knock up your momma, yo' sister, and half your cousins too."_

Kiba and Akamaru went from being studs of the Inuzuka Clan to being banished from the doghouse…literally to wonder if the talk of castrating the pair was ever gonna die down. The bitches, correction – the females of the clan, drank some funny water (a lazy hospital intern dropped the excess fertility pills in the nearest stream – up stream from the Inuzuka Clan's property instead of properly disposing of them). The attack of the feral cats terrified the other potential males away. Kiba and his longtime ninkin, Akamaru, happened to walk in from a two month A-ranked mission hunting down a rouge ninja, just when all the females in the Inuzuka clan, both human and canine, went into heat and needed an 'alpha male' to sate their urges.

In a clan where everyone know exactly when the females would go into heat and planned for it…this unplanned heat complicated things…a little bit. Instead of ensuring some level of genetic diversity, one man and his nin-kin banged every ready female in the clan. He almost died, but soldier pills mixed with vitamins (Extra strength Viagra) ensured that that pair earned their stud [mother-sister-cousin-aunt- f*cker badges.

That moment was the stuff of every male's, human and canine, fantasy. Inuzuka females were wild in bed and every older female was certified USDA-prime-grade MILF or GILF.

All their lives, the pair dreamt of being the alpha. Now they wished that they got their balls cut a long time ago. In two and a half months, Akamaru would have to deal with over two dozen whelping bitches. In seven more, Kiba would have to deal with several pregnant females delivering his pups. Worst yet, pregnant Inuzuka females were constantly horny and it was alpha's job to sate the hormone fortified sex-drives of the females.

As a pup, Kiba wondered why his father ran towards the Kyuubi wearing nothing more than a loincloth and carrying a rusty dagger laughing maniacally about being free. Now, he was wondering if Naruto could let the Kyuubi out for a return engagement. Facing a PMSing nine-tail demon fox seems such a paradise compared to the fate awaiting the pair.

The pair looked at one another and muttered…

"Being an alpha male is so…troublesome."

It was time to refill the ice bags they had placed next to their sore balls.

In the distant, one could hear Shikamaru sneeze. The Nara made a mental note to copyright the Nara clan's infamous catch-phrase phrase, but then decided that filling out a one page form and paying 75-ryo to get the trademark on the phrase was too…troublesome.

Akamaru looked at Kiba, "Look on the bright side of life - At least we did not end up like Kakashi."

Getting your balls ripped off with a sledge hammer and a board with a rusty nail or even marrying that Haruno girl was a paradise versus something so evil that even Orochomaru would awe at the twisted minds that made up Kakashi's prank.

The pair quickly changed the topic. Even thinking about it hurt.

**The Docks**

Hanabi looked with distain on the outfit that Konohamaru picked out for her. Burlap rags with a smelly cloth to cover her eyes.

"There is no way in hell I will be caught dead in those rags," she announced with the traditional Hyūga distain for dirt. The only thing missing was the 'Hn' that the Uchia clan perfected, but no Hyūga would be caught dead to offer the world a change to confuse them for the _justu-thief_ clan.

Konohamaru looked at the mother of his upcoming child.

"This is the Bloody Mist…where they use to slay those with bloodlines. One look at your eyes and you will be…"

"Can you at least get me a clean rag?" she whined.

Konohamaru had enough. He had risked everything for this…no amount of sex was worth the whining. He lost his temper and snapped at the girl who damned him to an eternity of doom which made the deepest recesses of Hell look like paradise.

"Look princess. Your daddy wants me dead or worse an effing…I mean a non-effing eunuch. I am not waiting for daddy to cut off my balls. If you want to come with me, you will stop acting like daddy's little bitch and grow a pair.

"Little bitch…I will show you little bitch. I will…"

It was as if someone flipped a mood switch inside Hanabi's head. Anger becomes sorrow. Some little imp turned off the Ice Princess setting into something so dreaded…so feared by many a married male. Someone flipped the rarely used Hyūga emotional meltdown switch. With most females, mood swings do not kick in so early in pregnancy. With the Hyūga, mood swings on the part of females were a way of life…so perfected that an actress on a Spanish-language telenovia would be awed to know that someone can out drama them while flipping from nice to uberbitch in 0.01-nanoseconds.

"You don't love me anymore…I…loved you. I…loved you and you…" sniff "don't love me anymore. It's over…my life is over. Please…"

Hanabi reached for a kunai she hid under her smock. It was time to bid this cruel world goodbye.

Konohamaru quickly grabbed it and twisted it out of her hand.

Hanabi collapsed on her knees brawling, "I'm nothing more than some worthless slut. I am not worthy to have your child, please let me end it."

"Hanabi…stop it."

But Hanabi was not listening. This was her chance to act out in all the school plays she was never allowed to perform in because acting was below the dignity of the Hyūga clan. Now she was taking advantage of her one opportunity to brawl out against the injustices of the world by dramatically ranting.

"I am sorry that I placed itching powder in Iruka-sensei's spare set of clothing. I am sorry that I snuck out to play by the waterfall. I am sorry that I let Hinata-nee-chan take the blame for ripping mom's wedding kimono. I am sorry that I stole Sakura-chan's Yaoi-Yaoi: EastTown Construction Boyz Yaoi Battle for the Golden Dong and the Westside Fireman Firehose Circle Jerk Competition limited edition with the scented lubes and anal beads. I am sorry for spreading the rumor that Nori wore dirty underwear. I am sorry that I told Tanaka that he had to buy pubic hair and glue it to his sorry excuse for a ball sack before he could become a man. I am sorry that I put laxatives in the water cooler in the instructors' break room. I am sorry that I cheated on every exam in the academy by spying on Iruka-sensei's answer key hidden in his desk. I am sorry that I tripped you when you were running away from Iruka-sensei after you used the _oiroke no jutsu_ on the exam."

The list of 'I am so sorries' went on and on like a really bad British (worse than _Istar_ or _Gigli_ bad) comedy skit stuck on a loop feed. Hanabi was confessing to acts so devious that Konohamaru was shocked that the Hyūga princess was a fellow prankster. He thought that Udon and Moegi did it all. If his kid inherited his pranking abilities from…

_Holy shit, gods above and demons below…_

Konohamaru did not know whether to be proud or terribly afraid of the next generation of prank gods growing inside his girlfriend's womb. If he survived, he would have to be ready for an entire village knocking down his door to pay damages. The Sarutobi Clan would soon be poorer than the Akemchi clan and that took a lot since the Akemchi clan paid the food bills for several couple dozen competitive eaters. If his favorite appendage was not at stake, it might be better to let her father kill him.

"Please, let me end this. I am not supposed to cry, damn it. I am a Hyūga and Hyūga's don't cry."

Hanabi was letting out the waterworks. Inside her body, her tear ducts, never used before where now letting go tears that could fuel a flood of Biblical proportions.

"I am worthless as a Hyūga. They are so perfect. They can do no wrong. They just are. I just wanted to be free. I just wanted to be able to play in the water without someone saying how disgraceful it was to act like a peasant."

Konohamaru tried to quiet the girl before she would attract an audience. Nevertheless, the more he tried to comfort her the more she cried. In the academy, if he got the Hyūga ice princess to cry in public, the boys would have given a hundred thousand man-points. Now, all that he felt was that the goddess of fortune was deliberately turning him into an utter ass.

He had heard about the mood swings, but this was a sign that he was doomed to be the life partner of Hormonzilla, the Bearer of Estrogen, the madam of killer mood swings, and the Fifth Rider of the Apocalypse so feared that the Four Horsemen ride away in fear of her and the infamous 'Honey-do list.' He was dealing with the one thing that even the Kyuubi no Kitsune was deathly afraid of…hell even Chuck Norris-sama would get his ass whooped by Hormonzilla. It was barely a week and here she was breaking down…

Kami hated him…he knew it.

**The ANBU Psych Ward**

Among the ANBU of Konohagakure, sanity was a _luxury_. The stress of life and death missions had cause many of Konoha's best to snap and be sent to the padded walls of the ANBU Psych Ward. In fact there was a betting pool on the life expectancy and sanity of just about every ANBU member. With Konohamaru's prank run, the life expectancy of Kakashi's sanity was expired like the milk in Naruto's old fridge.

Kakashi was humming a tuneless melody. He would be rocking himself to sleep in the corner of his padded room if it was not for all the restraints.

Inochi looked thought the observation window at his latest patient and shuddered. He really did not want to walk into this mind. However, all other therapies were failing. Kakashi had a 1,000 techniques locked up in that mind. Kakashi had to be sane enough to at least write down all the jutsu he stole before being locked up forever in _Happy land_, a place where happy ninja were sent to counselors who told them that there were no green men out to castrate them. A mind that once could find refuge in Icha Icha was now ultimately shattered by images of Yaoi Yaoi Hentai-mania.

It was time to go in and face Kakashi's demons.

Inochi decided that he was going to take it slow with this case. Not only would mind-walking inside this mind be as dangerous as walking up to the Kyuubi and kicking it where it hurts, but to work quickly meant a lack of billable hours for the semi-retired jonin turn head-shrink. With his little girl getting knocked up with twins, and wanting that big wedding, Inochi need every _ryo_ he could beg, borrow, or steal.

If Inochi played his cards right, Kakashi would be worth a million, maybe a million five ryo in billable hours. With his daughter's engagement, Inochi needed all the cash he could get to pay for the wedding.

Inochi unconsciously flexed his hands into a position similar to that of a Nara in deep thought. Years of hanging out with the laziest man in the world does rub off.

"Let us start with word association…I will start will something safe…Bunny."

Kakashi shuddered and attempted scuttled backwards to the wall yelling, "You are not getting your sausage between my buns. You are one of them!"

Inochi took in a deep breath. Every word and phrase Kakashi muttered convinced Inochi that he was going to get more billable hours. Kakashi was going to be a head pshrink's wet dream and secure Inochi's retirement.

He calmly replied, "I meant a rabbit, not buns."

"You want to screw me like a rabbit. You said buns. You are all the same. Gai…Obito…you all are fanboys."

"Let's talk about these…fanboys."

"Noooo!" Kakashi yelled. "For the love of all that is pure and holy…please…no…oh my god…"

Kakashi mentally went deeper into the 'rabbit hole' and cried.

"Can you share…"

Kakashi hummed a tune without a melody.

"I did not drop the soap…why are you touching me down there. I don't feel well…Please Obito…don't Rin…not you too. Kami Rin…you're a futari-hime! Don't futa my ass. I don't swing that way. No way in hell I would let you futa my ass. Please for the love of God…Please have mercy. Not…not up their. My…I can't I can't be gay. Please…I promise to read Icha Icha…don't let me go gay. Obito…noooo…not you too Minato-sensei…not the 100-years of pain…Please kami…please don't let me become gay…please. I read Icha Icha everyday, I do not want to be gay. Oh kami, please don't let me enjoy it. Orochimaru, you said that it will be our little secret."

It was clear that Kakashi was reliving repressed memories that Inochi decided that he would never report to the Hokage. He did not want to mind dive and see…Inochi was a straight man, but as a ninja saw some freaky stuff. It was better to be trapped in the mind of one of Anko 'guests' than to risk being scared by some memories of dropped soap and your number one fan boy-girls-beings of indeterminate gender to be more hung than your typical male porn star.

**The orphanage**

Maiko looked out the window at rain. The room was an old boarded up room that was rumored to be haunted by a young girl who fell to her death over a century ago.

The ghost of the little girl was not so bad once you got to know her. They both understood one another. Hell was being lonely while surrounded by a sea of faces. After a few times trying to scare Maiko away from the boarded up room, the ghost simply let Maiko hang around the haunted room. The ghost understood her in a way that the other kids never would. The other kids called her a freak. They would grab and pull her hair, hide her stuffed, pink killer whale, and do other things to make her life a living hell.

The sealed off room was the only place that she felt safe. Even though it was lonely with only a ghost for company.

Maiko closed her eyes, hugged her stuff toy, and rocked herself in a futile attempt to fail asleep.

_Why?_

No one ever told her why. They did not even tell her who her parents were. She could see the lie in the faces of the staff when the staff told her that her parents gave her away so she would have a better future. Last year, a funny smelling man told her he would love her and adopt her if she would be his special little girl. However, once she did everything a special little girl did no matter how much it feel weird, he left her alone as he picked up another _special girl_.

_It was a lie…Adults always lie. Even Mei-sama lies. No one will love me…No one._

Once a week the other kids were cleaned up and presented in hopes that someone would adopt them. Older kids would be allowed to go out and seek a master to learn a trade.

However, they put her in a room and told her to sit and play with her stuffed, pink, killer whale. They told her that she was being saved for a special purpose. They told her that one day she would be a ninja, as great as any of the seven swordsmen.

There was no future in being one of the bloodline freaks. No one wanted some bloodline bitch in their family. Not even the other child lovers would have anything to do with her. Even the few bloodline families that emerge out of the shadows with the rise of the new _mizukage_ did not want her. Kids called her a monster, a killer, a demon. The priest in charge of the orphanage would call her a demon's whore's get.

She hated the tears. She sniffed trying to hold them back as she hugged her stuffed pink whale.

_No one wants me…it's better that I simply go away. Then they do not have to worry about getting a blood-limit from my cooties_.

Maiko looked at her meager possessions. She had one gray smock, a threadbare blanket, tatami sandals on the verge of falling apart, her stuffed pink killer whale looking worried at the stuffing leaking out of it, a small roll of bubble wrap, and her jacket.

She looked out the window one last time, before relaxing and sliding through the walls. She looked at the ghost one more time.

"It's okay. You can always come with me, Nene."

Thus a ghost and a little girl left the orphanage behind and went to see the world.

**The market**

Konohamaru suppressed a groan. It had taken the promise of _extensive_ retail therapy to get Hanabi out of her funk.

It did not matter that Hanabi Hyūga was a _unathorized_ Konohagakure chunin hiding out in Mizugakure. Hanabi was a female first. As any male can attest – females are genetically wired to go shopping. Stress, no stress, happy, sad – females had this compulsion to shop, especially when they are spending someone else's money. The worst part was that Hanabi was a Hyūga and Hyūgas had to be the pickiest shoppers on the planet.

Since Hanabi was pretending to be blind, he had to hover over her and act as her seeing-eye dog. Now, Konohamaru was starting to feel sorry for the poor guide dogs that the Inuzuka Clan gave to ninja blinded in the course of their duties. He looked at the iron plates used to secure the wooden beams of the market stalls and fantasized about repeatedly sticking his head unto an operating meat grinder to just to dull the pain.

Something was not right. His ninja senses were going off like there was a collection of S-ranks nuke-nin were after his head. He could feel the presence of the 'Boss' and Evil Daddy aka the pee-pee amputation-expert Haishi Hyūga coming after him from the direction of Wave. Nevertheless, there was something else. Something that made him felt cold and sent silvers up and down his spine.

He looked at the girl whose father wanted him dead shop as if they had all the time in the universe.

_Hurry up and just buy it, princess. Daddy is after us and if we do not move, no more rides on m__í__ Pedro! I love m__í__ Pedro._

There was someone watching him. He knew it. However, he could not react. Hanabi and he were illegally in another ninja village. If they were caught, interrogation would only be the start. They would probably keep Hanabi alive as she had a valuable bloodline that could be used for breeding or ransomed back to the Hyūga clan for a fortune. However, they would ship him to the kage in charge of Iwa to answer for pissing in the sake or worst, sent him wrapped in a pretty pink ribbon to the hokage for pissing in her sake. Iwa would simply torture him and let him die. Tsunade would work him over, heal him, and get back to using him as a training dummy. That idea to piss in the Hokage's sake no longer seem such a good idea anymore. It was time to get a move on before Castration walked into town and repossessed Konohamaru's third leg.

_Hurry up Hanabi…We have to get moving_.

Hanabi carefully felt the weave on both fabrics. She turned towards him and asked, "Does this make me look fat?"

_No, no, no, no, no!_

_Why do females insist on asking their boyfriends that question? There is no acceptable answer. It is safer to get between the Akemchi clan and the all-you-can-eat buffet at a four star barbeque. It is safer to get between a starving pack of Inuzuka nin-dogs and a medium-rare Porterhouse steak. It is safer to challenge Rock Lee and Maito Gai to a contest of youth while standing between them._

Konohamaru cleared his throat and thought of the appropriate words.

_What did grandpa use to say to grandma…_

"Honey, it makes you look beautiful."

Konohamaru forgot the fact that his grandfathered feared two things – Paperwork multiplying like bunnies and Grandma when she was angry. Living without having a ticked-off wife was a futile quest. Even grandpa, the professor, could never find a satisfactory answer to the dreaded question. All grandpa could do was perfect the 'Run like a cat with a pack of hungry dogs on your ass no jutsu' and set new land-speed records.

The response was not pretty. Konohamaru would forever wonder how Hanabi learned Iruka-sensei's Demon head no jutsu.

"What am I to you…some ugly slut you got drunk and knocked up? If I am some freak to you…just tell me. I and my baby will be out of your life forever. I gave you my virginity, am carrying your bastard, and you call me ugly. How many cups of sake did you need before you could even stand the sight of me? I hope that you are happy because when I am done with you, my father will be lucky to pick up your corpse with a sponge and microscope!"

"But..but…honey."

There were no buts about it. Hanabi was working herself into a fit. Her head grew to demonic proportions that would even awe Iruka-sensei. Her voice was approaching the volume normally reserved for the pink-haired harpies from the Haruno clan. Her face turned so red with anger that even experienced _jonin_ were evacuating the market as they could with no attempt to save their dignity. Her killing intent silenced the entire marketplace. It seemed that a tailed beast was coming into Kumo and she was pissed.

She was so angry that she sent all her chakra to her fist as she punched him. It was not a classic Hyūga strike, but rather a blow more commonly associated with a drunken _sennin_ known for sending perverts into orbit or a certain pink-haired medic-nin thumping the head of a certain blond ninja sporting whiskers. Konohamaru flew through five stalls before slamming into a brick wall. If it was not a tripled reinforced brick wall of the local police station, he would have flown through it.

There was silence as heads peeked out waiting to see if it was safe to shop again. Even the local police found something else more exciting in the coffee stained reports on their desk than the broken body of a boy who was stuck with _hormonzilla_, the estrogen queen.

Paper cuts hurt. Hormonzilla set the standard of the concept of eternal damnation.

After a minute, a brave soul extended his hand toward the unfortunate father to be.

"Dude, what is her boggle?"

"She asked me, 'Do I look good in this?'" Konohamaru moaned.

The helpful soul shook his head in sympathy, "There is no good answer to that question, dude. Does she have a sister?"

"Married."

"Does her sister beat down her brother-in-law.?"

Konohamaru thought for a minute before answering, "Not directly, but…yep…he is whipped."

"That should have been your warning. I hope the sex was good because the pain is sooooo not worth it. I would say that I feel your pain, bro, but it would be a lie."

"Thanks."

"Just watch out. When they pull out their husband tamer, it's game over. Might as well lube up, relax, and cough twice because it's gonna hurt."

"It's already game over. I should just let her daddy kill me."

"Nope, daddy will take one look, laugh, and let you suffer for the rest of your life. He ain't letting you off so easy."

Konohamaru groaned out in thanks before passing out wondering what is worse…castration or dealing with _hormonzilla_ for the rest of his life.

If Konohamaru were still conscious, he would have felt the god of dooms coming down to rain down more doom on his already doomed soul.

The ghosts of the Sarutobi clan shuddered in sympathy at the hell that the only living Sarutobi male will have to endure. There was one collective thought among the ghost of Konohamaru's male ancestors – _Why oh why did you have to knock-up a Hyūga? At least with a Haruno, the worst thing that will happen is that you will eventually go deaf from all the screaming, a coma from getting whacked on the head, and your soul sucked dry by a banshee_. _With a Hyūga, you got to spend eternity with a devout follower of the goddess of husband beating._

Generations of Sarutobi males wept at the fact that their last was fated to be a Hyūga whipping boy.

_**Nearby…**_

Sneaking out of the orphanage was easy when no one really cared about you.

Maiko looked at the blind girl who knocked out her boyfriend and cleared out the market. The four-year-old thought really hard about her options. Sure she was not yet six. However, she was smart enough to know that she needed someone older to cook and clean for her at least until she was eight and got to go to Mina-sensei's housekeeping class. They were not as big at those lying adults but big enough to protect her. The orphanage would not let adults see her during adoption day. However, maybe if she could get that lady who just beat up the man to adopt her, the orphanage staff could not stop her from having a mommy or a least an older sister. If she could become the little sister to that girl, then no one would steal her toy or pull her hair or risk getting the beat down. If she could get that lady to want her, if anyone said no, that lady would beat the stuffing out of the lady who ran the orphanage like she did that rude boy. It was perfect. Maiko would have a sister and that blind girl would be it.

Maiko knew that if she approached now, they could say no. However, if she followed them long enough, she could…maybe…definitely…

This was her only chance. Maiko hated waiting, but four years at the orphanage taught her that waiting allows you to pull the best pranks. But first, Maiko was on a mission…a mission from the gods…steal all the bubble wrap she can before she follows the pair out of town.

Anko had her dango.

Naruto had ramen.

Maiko had bubble wrap. Sure you could not eat it…_normally_, but that is what they said about licking the peeling lead-based paint on the walls or drinking the sweet syrup from the bottles with the skulls and bones under the kitchen sink. Maiko managed to enjoy all three activities, but lived solely for popping the bubbles in bubble wrap.

Maiko pulled out a small one foot square piece. She pushed a bubble. It swelled with the anticipation within her until the all too familiar sound of happiness. The bubble popped. A small giggle snuck out into the air.

It was time to pop the next bubble.

Maiko danced and sang the "_I'm a bubble girl song_" as she picked the next bubble to be popped.

**Back in Wave with Big Daddy and Ramen Boy**

Hyūga Haishi was not known for losing his composure in public.

When the Kyuubi no Kitsune came to Konoha raining hellfire and brimstone, he merely ordered his clan to evacuate the civilians and go into the shelter. Then, he walked to towards the Kyuubi no Kitsune calmly muttering about rubbing the nine-tailed fox's nose in his own shit. He considered being surrounded by two dozen Kumo jonin-level nin with the intent to harvest his eyes as the prelude to a light warm up stretch. Hell, he even walked up to an angry, charging bull and knocked it out without the use of the _jyuuken_.

Haishi was the only jonin other than Kushina Uzumaki that was brave enough to risk the wrath of the fourth hokage (The only nin to have a standing flee on sight order in the bingo book) by pulling Minato Namikaze from the ramen stand and dragging the fourth kicking and screaming to council meetings. No matter what the problem was, Haishi not only solved it but solved it without mussing his hair, getting his kimono dirty, or compromising the Hyūga reputation for cool, aloof, and not one hair out of place dignity.

Even Chuck Norris-san looked at Haishi as a model of what a man should be and Death once almost had a Chuck Norris experience. The only reason that Haishi could not figure out a way to save his brother from seppuku was that that his twin brother, a fellow bad-ass, knocked him out with a steel bridge girder until the deed was complete.

Today, Haishi was anything but composed. It took four and a half decades of practicing the legendary Hyuga version of self control to not rip off his ANBU mask and let loose with the Hyūga clans ultimate kinjutsu…the Hyūga summons…Summon Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee to end this universe.

Not only was he given a bill to replace a dozen cases of the world's most expensive sake, but also found out that his son in law, Naruto was sitting on a gold mind and did not see the opportunity. Haishi Hyūga's finely tuned merchant-senses were tingling. Hyūga's did not need the all seeing eyes to spot a money making opportunity.

If he had know that his son-in-law had inherited the formula of the legendary _onikoroshi_ sake from Kushina Uzumaki…He would have had ordered Hinata to get knocked up by his idiotic, orange-wearing son-in-law while she was still in the academy. Hell, he would order Hinata to give him several dozen grandchildren even if it meant fornicating in public. Hell, the elders would have offered the Uzumaki-brat both his daughters…Hitomi's will be damn. The rights, if properly managed, to produce the famed Uzu sake was worth billions, if not trillions of ryo. The Hyūga could have the world's largest brewing empire. But nooooooo!

Haishi made a mental note to have a conversation with Naruto about any other secrets locked inside that thick skull of his.

While Hinata and her kids were technically and legally members of the Uzumaki-Namikaze Clan - In Haishi's mind, they were Hyūgas, with just a different legal name. His ancestors did not spend generations climbing out of some brothel, conquering Wave, surviving being on top of the Uchiha hit-list, almost wiped out, conning the Senju Clan, and becoming the wealthiest family in the world, to see his daughter marry a pauper. He did not want to see his grandkids raised in poverty should Naruto's legendary luck run out. The insurance companies had a ninja-clause that did not cover ninja when they took B, A, and S class missions. With Naruto's reputation, all he was doing was S class missions.

At least with the money from the Namikaze estate, Jaraiya-sensei's books, and being legitimized as Tsunade's grandson, Naruto had enough to make sure that Hinata and any grandchildren would be comfortable. However, Hyūga's never slacked when it came to making money. More than once, the Hyūga endured financial ruin and by hard work, the clan surmounted the odds and took back their wealth with excessive interest. With the formula for Uzu's legendary Oninokiroshi sake, the Hyūga could buy, sell, and trade dynamos.

The Hyūga did not seek to become kage's. They merely settled for owning the dynamos that hired the hidden villiages to do their dirty deeds.

For Hinata, it worked out better than Haishi planned. Hinata was smart enough to pick the right material for a husband. Lots of endurance, high pain tolerance, easy to wrap around her finger, able to take the random abuse that even a _gentle_ Hyūga girl, like Hinata instinctively inflicts on her lover, and rich. Hanabi…Haishi thought, would be smart enough to take control in her relationship. However, looking at the note she left…

_She is keeping that _baka_ like some sucker picks up a stray mongrel mutt_.

In one millisecond, Hanabi threw out generations of Hyūga tradition and is following the will of a husband.

Nowhere in the Book of Hyūga Law does it say, "_Woman, follow the will of thy idiot husband_." The Book of Hyūga Law stated, "_A whipping or three a day keeps impotency at bay_," or "_Pepper and spice makes that burning oh so nice_." Hell the book described how to perfectly mix the brine and hot pepper oil to create the paste that not only kept infection at bay, but gave the unlucky husband that burning sensation of love – The burning sensation that even Maito Gai would readily admit burned hotter than the flames of youth.

Haishi had willingly suffered for Hitomi. She loved whipping him in her sleep in between his endurance training sessions. He was the über-tantric master because Hitomi loved him enough to give him the discipline needed to perform for his Hyūga goddess. Even now, Haishi could go a week without sleep. Now, some Sarutobi-brat is getting Hyūga _poontang_ without receiving a daily beat down with the cat-o-nine tails. Blasphamy…blasphemy…the type of blasphemy that would get one reincarnated as some single-celled organism.

_Konohamaru had blasphemed against the ways of the Hyūga_.

He had yet to kiss the whip before handing it to his better and ask for more training. Konohamaru did not love his daughter. Love was accepting all the punishment that Hanabi would inflict out of love. Love was begging his better half for more discipline. Love was subjugating your identity as a person and accepting that you only existed to accept her love and lashes. Konohamaru was not worthy to get his balls stepped on by a five-hundred pound walrus wearing high heels let alone share his DNA with Hanabi.

_That asshole...That no good son of a bitch who would fuck a man from behind and not even give an _uke_ the courtesy of a reach around. Not only did he violate MY DAUGHTER and knock her up...he had the gall to brainwash her not to subject him to _husband training_. My wife will beat the crap out of me for letting this happen. I am so going to give Konohamaru an old school Hyūga interrogation that will scare the hell out of Ibiki and Anko. By the time I am done, he will not even try to beg for death because he will KNOW that death is so far too good for a cockroach like him. _

It had been a century since the Hyūga were allowed in the interrogation business. The Hyūga were good…so good that the treaty between the Senju and Uchiha clans specifically forbid the use of Hyūga as interrogators for the Senju clan. The women of the Hyūga clan had developed a reputation for breaking the will of others and turning them into fanatical worshipers who would die for their mistresses. For generations the Hyūga were a matriarchic clan where young females would capture, enslave, and break the wills of at least four strong males before being allowed to breed.

The ancient Hyūga motto was "_Pain created hate which in turn becomes love – because we only truly hurt the ones we love!"_ This motto would be the central concept behind the traditional Hyūga husband training program.

When it was time to have a child, the males would fight to the death and only the strongest would be allow to breed and raise the girls, before being broken and killed by their own daughters as a training session of what to do to husbands. Boys, for generations, were killed until the wars with the Uchiha clan depleted the numbers and the females had to keep the male children to preserve the bloodline. Generations of selective breeding ensured that the girls of the Hyūga clan were naturals at breaking the will of and converting the loyalty of the most fanatical agent - Even though now those skills were only used to break the wills of their boyfriends and husbands.

The Hyūga clan tend to intermarry – not because "Incest is best," but the fact that three dozen generations of selective breeding created the Hyūga male - a well endowed male with a high pain threshold, quick recovery times, a healing ability that is only dwarfed by Naruto's, lots of endurance, very dexterous and lengthy tongues that were only drawfed by Orochimaru and his illegitimate daughter, Anko, and the ability to survive the traditional Hyūga husband training program. The clan did make sure that marriages where more of the 'my cousin six-generations removed brother-in-laws step-sister's second-cousin's niece' rather than the brother-sister type depicted in incest ficts.

The few times that someone married into the family either ended with a corpse or a husband that was one step form being committed to the ninja mental ward because they were unable to endure the mental strain of 'a little love' from their wives. Toss in the fact that many Hyūga females were active swingers, a man not only had to survive his wife, but his sister in law, mother in law, cousin, cousin sister, brother's wife, great aunts, and the other female in-laws…

There was a reason that many Hyūga males decide it is better to be gay and promptly shove a ten foot broomstick up his ass. This far too frequent act made the lives of straight Hyūga males more interesting since they had to service more Hyūga females. There was no worse curse among Hyūga males than to wish a harem on a fellow Hyūga man. Hyūga man law was explicitly clear about this point – Hyūga males are never to toss a foe into a harem of randy Hyūga females. The castration strike was kinder to a foe.

If it was not for the _ancient Hyūga man code_, Haishi would toss Konohamaru, tied-up, naked into the next Hyūga Karaoke and Swinger's Night. Let him feel the doom as three generations of Hyūga females tear into the new kid. The blood will flow as they show him what real Hyūga love is. Haishi could almost hear Konohamaru's pleas for mercy as some Hyūga grandmother with sagging tits would twist off the lad's ears commanding the lad to lick harder down there while Haishi's Great-Auntie Wu pulls out her cat-o-nine tails and scourges the impotency out of his hide.

If this kept on…Haishi would ignore the code and toss that little brat into the briar patch. Haishi's great aunt Wu lived for nothing more than breaking the will of some young stud. With the Hyūga tendency to have two girls for every boy…the little brat would be very busy for a while.

There will be justice…the kind that keeps on hurting and hurting and not the good kind of hurt, but the kind of hurt that will make the gods of hell cry out in pain and sympathy.

It was time to pick up the pace. Haishi knew the pair's next destination…the village hidden in the Mists. He would find the brat there, drag the pair back home, and toss the father of his grandchild to the Auntie Wu for 'reeducation.'

_Fuck the Hyūga man code…_

Auntie Wu is going to have a new boy toy for Christmas.

**Here is a treat for my loyal readers – A deleted scene**

**Somewhere in the heavens**

The Shinagami looked over at the rest of the gods that ran the universe and shuddered.

_If I did not know better, it would look exactly like a bunch of little kids jostling over the last candy bar on earth._

The gods were climbing over one another to view the window to the earth. They were laughing their asses off as they laid down bets on just how far the god of misfortune would go before one Konohamaru would attempt to summon the Shinagami and the means by which the lad would do it.

The Shinagami was upset. By his calendar, the lad was long overdue for his final reckoning.

However, due to the size of the betting pool, the Shinagami was told to stand down until the lad attempted to off himself before collecting. The god of death looked at the hoard and examined the odds. He was the god of death…He could jimmy with the odds. It was time to go all in on the long shot.

The shinigami resisted the urge to smile.

"I bet that he will not only piss in each kage's sake cup and on the face of at least two kage, but also live to a hundred and three."

The other gods moaned. The shinigami was announcing that the fix was in. However, being retarded is being in the bottom quartile of your species with respect to intelligence. (If you need a translation of the above, please call yourself special) Even in a group of immortals, there were a couple _retards_.

The God of Lost Causes, God of Suckers (Tsunade's personal deity), and God of the Mentally Challenged felt lucky for the first time in a hundred thousand years and bet against the god of death.

The other gods looked at the Goddess of Pain. She was gloating. One by one, the gods started betting just how much abuse the kid would survive. The shinigami was awe by some of the ideas of how to maximize pain as the Goddess of Pain shook her head.

"The Hyūga are mine…my followers. That is an early morning kiss before the first sip of coffee."

The shinigami shook his head. There definitely where things worst than death…being married to the goddess of pain was second to the boy's fate of being hitch to the hormone bitch. He eyed his wife's face…the cat-o-nine tails was only the beginning tonight.

It was moments like this that the shinigami wondered why he was dumb enough to believe that sex with the goddess of pain would not hurt. He was not the first of his kind and his sire taught him that _free sex was the most expensive sex in the universe_. Two hundred thousand years later, he was still paying the price for that one night stand. There were moments he envied the god of celibacy and the patron saint of eunuchs.


	11. More Mishaps in the Mist

**Day One in the Mist**

**The Morning After**

**By Pat Squared**

**Disclaimer**: We are not liable for any damages cause by third parties, karma, ninjas, ninja summons, or even gremlins (the type that was fed after midnight and enjoy dancing underneath the sprinklers for rapid reproduction) due to your failure to submit a timely review of this chapter of _The Morning After_, a Naruto fan fiction.

Remember, the Kinko's copy ninjas will arrange for those who do not review to be caught in the middle of a youthful hug between our favorite youth loving ninjas. If you do not review at least once, the Kinko's copy ninjas will fill out an application in your name for induction into the Cult of Youth and sign you up for a decade-long Youth boot camp. We have included a complementary 24/7 suicide watch so you can enjoy the full experience of youth camp. Translation, for the _unyouthful_ there is no early release due to premature death.

**Warning** – Being caught in the middle of a Gai-sensei Rock Lee jug can cause the following – The urge to blind oneself, put on green spandex, make your teeth so shiny, grow uncontrollably fuzzy eye browns that no eyebrow shaper can tame, vow to accomplish an insane physical challenge every other sentence, and damage the psyche of overs by joining the Cult of Youth exposing unsuspecting victims to the Power of Youth.

_**The Story So Far**_

_Sarutobi Konohamaru was a ninja from a family of ninjas._

_He intellectually knew the dangers of being a ninja._

_He had witnessed his grandfather and uncle die in the line of duty. He had his assets locked in a clan trust account (safe from both creditors and court judgments), a pour over will, disability and health insurance policy, and a 25-million ryo life insurance policy. In case of capture, he had a Class A explosive tag ready to insure that his remains would be atomized before they could haul him in for interrogation. Lastly, he had his lucky condom in his wallet._

_The source of his problems was that his lucky condom was still in his wallet and therefore obviously was not properly placed on his tallywacker when he scored with the most eligible konoichi in the village, Hyūga Hanabi a week ago. Now our unlucky ninja was hiding in the Hidden Mist Village from Haishi 'Big Daddy' Hyūga, master of the infamous Hyūga castration strike and bearer of the traditional, rusty Hyūga spoon. The Hyūga's believe in long, agonizing lingering punishment and so used a dull rusty spoon rather than the more common family sword to deal with daughter's boyfriends who found their tallywacker entering in the inappropriate hole._

_Worse, the mother of his coming child just gave him a Tsunade-style beat down because he could not complete the impossible task – A creature with the Y-chromosome (aka a male) reading the mind of a girl and saying just the right thing._

[Interested in preserving his ability to reproduce, our intrepid narrator shuts up as we rejoin our protagonists.]

_**Marketplace, Kirigakure (The Village Hidden in the Mist)**_

Konohamaru, the stunned nin staggered upwards. The earth was moving. Two steps and gravity slammed him into the ground will all the grace of a drunken elephant trying to do the tango. It was like a bad hangover, just without the aftertaste of alcohol, the tattoo of unknown origin, and the wonderment of what video would be soon posted on _You 'Eediott!' Tube_ showing just how stupid he was to drink. Konohamaru looked himself over and sighed, "No tattoo."

Hanabi look at the father of her unborn child and prayed that her child would hopefully inherit the brains from her side of the family. It was obvious that Konohamaru was dropped one too many time as a baby. She had once thought that Konohamaru was only the class _dobe_ (dead last) in honor of his mentor and rival, Naruto). Know she knew the truth…he was the one defective child that crops up even in the best of families…it was just her luck to get drunk with the wrong Sarutobi. Hell, even Konohamaru's two-year-old cousin was far smarter that this…

His latest offense – Failure to properly reassure her that she was still beautiful, no matter how fat and pregnant she was…even though she was only a week along and would not be showing her baby bump for a while…

After the beat down, Hanabi planned to find an ice cream parlor and eat all the chocolate chip ice cream. Fat…she will show him what fat really was. Her great grandmother was an Akemchi.

It is a known fact that the Akemchi clan is the provider of the genes that gave Hanabi's sister and a great number of her cousins an enhanced version of the true Hyūga bloodline…can you say boobies…now say it three times…I bet you smiled.

Now, Hanabi was going to show that monkey just how an Akemchi female deals with stress…competitive eating…the awe inspiring competitive eating that would make any male Akemchi either fall in love or cry because when it came to eating the females ate twice as much as the men.

Hanabi grabbed the unfortunate soul doomed to foot her bills for the rest of his life and started dragging her victim along the ground towards the ice cream stand. It was not mercy…someone was going to pay for her ice cream therapy and it was not going to be her. Beside is the time to grow her boobs because every Konoha konichi knew that boobs gives girls super strength.

_**Mikawaya Ice Cream Stand**_

Maiko looked wishfully at her future _neechan_ (older sister) as _neechan_ dragged 'stupid boy' to Hirohito's Ice Cream Stand. Maiko remembered the one time she got an ice cream bar.

_Stupid boys…_

She remembered Gyou-_baka_ smashing her hands and ice cream into her face and that evil matron scolding her for being so messy and clumsy. Maiko hated…hated stupid boys and wanted to beat up stupid boys like _neechan_.

She wanted…she wanted to walk up…to have _neechan_ treat her to ice cream. However, no one, not even _neechan_ would give a bad girl like Maiko a treat. Only good girls get treats…bad girls like Maiko get scoldings, whippings, or are locked in their room without supper. No matter how had she tried…Maiko was a bad girl. She was bad…she was clumsy. She did not speak right. She was so stupid that she did not get her hiragana right. She could not read like the older kids. She was not even good enough to get milk and cookies. The other kids get milk and cookies and got to enjoy story time. All she got was a metal ruler on the butt for being bad and put in her room.

_Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad Maiko. Stupid Maiko. Even more double plus dumber than the double plus stupid double plus poo-poo head, snail eating boys with cooties._

The four year old bit her lip trying not to cry as the voices in her head yelled at her for being stupid. She should go away so her stupid cooties do not infect the other kids with her stupid blood limit…

Maiko hugged her pink, stuffed toy whale a little tighter in an attempt to hold back the tears. _Shachi-chan_ (Killer Whale) looked a little worried as some stuffing attempted to escape out of her overstressed ancient seams. Suddenly, Shachi-chan exploded. Shachi-chan's seams gave out just when Maiko needed Shachi-chan the most.

It was too much for the four year old girl. Shachi-chan and the occasional sheet of bubble wrap were the two constants in her life that made her happy. Instinctively, Maiko started crying uncontrollably, hoping that someone would fixed Shachi-chan. The others took one look at her and walked away.

They always walked away.

Suddenly, someone picked up Maiko.

"There you are!" gruffed the voice of the evil child hunters. No matter how many times she attempted to escape, the one-armed child hunter hunted her down and took her back to the bad place where everyone laughed at her.

Maiko was scared.

No one saved for Mei-oneesan picked her up and hugged her. No. The others would picked her up only to take her back to the place with poo-poo head boys and doll killing girls. She did not want to go back. The adults were going to hurt her. Let the stupid boys and older girls pull her hair.

Maiko had to protect Shachi-chan (Killer Whale), her only pal. Unless she could see Mei-basan (Auntie Mei), they were going to take Shachi-chan away. They were going to give Shachi-chan to one of the _good_ girls. Then the good girl would then tear Shachi-chan apart and throw her away like they did to Ino-san (Misses Piggy) and Kamitto no Kaeru (Kermit the Frog). Maiko had to get away.

Suddenly, Maiko got light and dizzy in an all too familiar way as she fell through the grip of her captor. Her ability to pass through things and people was not yet certain, but when she felt light headed, she knew that she could pass through things for a few moments. She knew that she had to run the moment she hit the ground and become heavy again or she would not be able to run away. As soon as she hit the ground, Maiko turned _heavy_ and started running. As anyone who has kids can attest, nothing is faster than a kid running away. The problem was that kids did not have the stamina of ninjas.

"Get back here," a gruff voice commanded.

Maiko could hear her heart screaming as she felt the footsteps of the child hunter chasing her. Maiko ran through the wall and kept on running. Stupid one-arm monster could not run through walls.

Crash…

There were screams as people saw her being chased by the one-arm monster. She could run through walls, but he crashed through them. It was useless. She would run, but he will keep up with her until she could no longer pass through walls. Then he was going to take her back to the orphanage where they would laugh at her.

_**Just before Hanabi sets the world ice-cream eating record**_

Hanabi heard the screams. Someone just boldly grabbed at little girl and…

Hyūga had rules. There were thousands of rules and traditions covering everything from who stood up when someone else entered the room to the 135 proscribed steps for properly grooming one's hair every morning. However, rule number one was that child abuser or kidnapper, especially those that hit or abducted a Hyūga child, got a taste of Hyūga justice…long, drawn out, terrifying Hyūga justice preferably with a rusty spoon.

No one…no one was going to steal a child in front of Hanabi. What if that monster hit her child, or worse kidnap that little girl and breed her?

_Sick bastard would probably scoop out her eyes and screw the eye sockets_.

It was the ultimate fear of many Hyūga girls. To not only be stolen from your sisters, but be forced to be subservient to men, have your eyes taken out and being fornicated in the eye sockets _(The horror stories inevitably get _a little exaggerated_ in the retelling and then toss in Hanabi's repressed imagination getting free and oral sex turned into eye socket penetration)_.

Furthermore, no Hyūga girl would even stoop so low as to think of themselves as equals to boys.

_Why would any self-respecting female insist on lowering themselves to the level of some stupid male?_

No, there is no creature higher in the universe than a female and a Hyūga female tops them all. Even the kyubi had girl power. It was just that when Madara summon her, the fox has a bad case of PMS and someone took away her chocolate ice cream.

_That monster was going down!_

Kidnapping was an act so terrible that only child mutilation, child rape and murder was worse.

Orochimaru never had a chance at being hokage because the Hyūga clan would call in every debt to keep that creepy child fondler off the dais. And if that did not work, the Hyūga would go to war. Hyūga may love profits, but they will financially crush anyone who kidnapped or harbor someone who kidnaps children. Gato ran away to Wave and set up a blockage to not squeeze the local economy but rather to run away from the Hyūga clan. And once the Hyūga got their hands on a kidnapper…Orochimaru's test subjects had an infinitely better quality of life.

Hanabi tossed the ice cream vendor a wad of 100-ryo bills and stared chasing after that child abuser. A glimpse told her that Konohamaru was stumbling behind her in a futile effort to keep up. She noted with some level of satisfaction that the idiot father of her child was at least smart enough to grab the five reusable insulated bags each loaded with her twelve, hand-packed, pints of Funky Monkey Triple Fudge ice cream with marshmallows plus six squeeze bottles of Nestle chocolate syrup (fat free, of course, so the calories don't count).

_**Thoughts of an Eternal Genin**_

Ichiko Matsumura hated his job and his life for good reason.

First, his father ran out on his mother when she was pregnant with him. This was far too common a story for ninjas, but most mothers did not get vengeance by abandoning their newborn sons at the marketplace with a girl's name pinned to his diaper. Being the orphan boy with a girl's name in the ninja academy was not easy. If Zabuza did not kill his entire academy class in the prior year, Ichiko would have slaughtered the 60 other candidates for laughing at him when he introduced himself on the first day of the academy.

Second, he was the Mist Village's _eternal genin_ and doomed to performing D-rank missions for the rest of his life. As a young genin, he insulted the wrong lady while off duty. He woke up two days later and he found himself missing an arm. Since it was not a job related injury, he could not retire and collect a disability pension.

Quitting mean having to pay back those student loans that all Mist ninja endured. As long as he was a ninja, he could defer those loans and if he made it for five more years, the village would pay off his loan balance for 20 years of service and give him a service length promotion to _chūnin_ so he could spend the rest of his days in a nice safe office working as a bureaucrat and maybe after 30 years of service collect a decent pension. However, losing an arm meant that his ninja skills were compromised. Even with one handed seals, his ninjutsu and taijutsu skills were severely handicapped. Only a madman would risk life and limb by entering the chūnin exam with only one arm.

A one legged man in an ass kicking contest has a better chance of winning.

He was not a _chūnin_ and able to get a full time position pushing paperwork at the Mizukage's office so he was suck on jobs like babysitting kids or listening to the complaints at the mission's desk.

Today was just like any other day.

Wake up.

Contemplate the joys of seppuku.

Get ready for work.

Contemplate the joys of seppuku.

Go to work at the mission desk.

Contemplate the joys of seppuku.

Listen to baby-faced _genin_ fresh from the academy complain about their missions and clients complain about the mission fees.

Contemplate the joys of seppuku.

Take on the one time sensitive D-rank that was not picked up in the morning.

Contemplate the joys of seppuku.

Babysit a rich merchant's brat.

Contemplate the joys of seppuku.

Collect his payment voucher which seem to be shrinking every time.

Contemplate the joys of seppuku.

Stand in line at the bank to cash his payment voucher.

Contemplate the joys of seppuku.

Go home.

Contemplate the joys of seppuku as he tries to deal with the ever growing honey-do list.

Spot an all too familiar kid outside the orphanage.

Contemplate the joys of seppuku.

Decide if he was even going to bother returning the kid back to the orphanage.

Contemplate the joys of seppuku. Contemplate the joys of seppuku. Contemplate the joys of seppuku.

It was a little troublesome, but the only thing that sucked more than being a village's eternal _genin_ was being the guest of honor at a torture and interrogation session.

There was a pattern the finger of fate gang-banging his arse throughout Ichiko's life and contemplating the joys of seppuku was his way of dealing with it. If he did not knock up his now hideous, hormonal wife one drunken night so many years ago and now have to feed half a dozen obnoxious brats…Ichiko would have already done it.

Now he was hanging on so he continued to torture the soul sucking banshee with his continued existence. He was going to deny her the opportunity to cash in on his life insurance policy and let her become a rich bitch with a paid-for boy-toy. No he was going to live long enough to make sure that she would never enjoy one ryo from his life insurance policy. He would spite her until she would be the one to load her pockets with stones and jump off the pier.

As Ichiko decided to give chase, he thought about the sake he would drink at his seppuku. It had to be a good sake. Expensive since they only let him have four sips so it had to be quality. And then the _wakka_. Five lines of five, seven, seven, five, and seven syllables.

Should he select a second or go totally bad ass by performing _jumonji giri_, or seppuku without a second to cut off his head and end the pain. It would hurt but it could not hurt as much as fifteen year of slow death with that she-witch he knocked up all those years ago. Plus the man points for going out like a bad ass.

If only they let him volunteer for a suicide mission and change the beneficiary on his life insurance policy to be anyone but his leach of a wife

Now that he contemplated the joys of ritual disembowelment, Ichiko now had to deal with the issue of the little brat that obviously escaped the orphanage. It was not that he hated kids…he just hated all of humanity and little kids more than most. No. With this kid, if he did not fetch her now, he was going to be stuck looking for her tomorrow.

This kid was too _valuable_ to loose. The previous _mizukage_ had nearly wiped out all the bloodlines in the Mist Village and it would be generations before Mist could recover. The village could not afford to lose any more than it did. Might as well get her back to the orphanage now and collect the fee on the standing D-rank mission. It might not be much, but an extra D-rank meant more sake to dull the phantom pain from his missing arm and his fate in this life.

He sighed, briefly contemplated seppuku, and decided to get her. Being a father of six, he had enough experience to know how to approach the tyke. He just had to get close enough to bribe the child with a couple sheets of bubble wraps. He might have had bad luck, but he was smart enough to know that you do not yell at little kids if you want them to come to you.

He called out to her as he reached into his messenger bag to pull out some bubble wrap. However, she screamed and started running. It looked like that she wanted to play tag today.

_Damn, the brat ran before I could pull out the bubble wrap_.

It was not going to be an easy day. It never was. He would have to run her down and tag her before she would give up. She thought it was a game of tag and wanted Uncle Ichoko to play with her.

Cue the music and start the chase.

_**At the Mizukage's Office**_

Today was good day for the current Mizukage.

Mei had dealt with, or at least delegated the issues that turned up on her desk in record time. Her staff was working efficiently. The academy staff was predicting greater than expected pass rates for this year's academy class while actually increasing the quality of academy graduates. Her two daughters were on a routine patrol assignment with their genin teams and would make it home tonight for a rare sit down dinner. Dinner was waiting in the crock pot and the rice cooker with automatic timer would have the rice ready just in time.

Today was the first day that Mei could relax in a long time.

Mei sipped her tea. The Land of Snow, now the Land of Spring, cultivated a unique tea that simultaneously allowed for relaxation and encourage concentration. It was used by grandmasters of monasteries, dynamos, and the richest of richest nobles. One ounce of the tea traded for five ounces of gold.

However, sipping the rare tea, Mei could not relax. It was not something that she could consciously, definitively point out. However, a couple decades of being a ninja and a kage with two bloodlines in a village know for hating bloodlines gave Mei the ability to sense impending doom.

Doom was ringing the bell, but no one could interpret the message.

_**The Chase**_

The crowd parted as if the spirit of Zabuza Momochi came back from the grave in order to finish off the village like he finished off his graduating class. Everyone dived into doorways and windows.

Three more steps…two more…reach out…

Ichiko did not know what was chasing him and why. Everyone knows that good old Ichiko would catch up to the child and bribe her with bubble wrap. It was as effective as bribing Naruto with freshly cooked ramen and the results were just as predictable.

For many years, there would be debates about the events that occurred. Some say that kami, herself, stepped down from the heavens wroth with great vengeance and furious anger. Some said that a new _biju_ (tailed beast) arose from the depths of hell. Another stated that a comet fell from the heavens. Long after ninjas fade from history, folklore, and legends, scholars would argue want happened than fateful day.

It was the battle off two avatars. The Goddess of Youth versus the God of the Wrongfully Punished squared off.

The Goddess of Youth's avatar leapt up into the heaven and summoned the double dreaded megaton power fist.

The God of the Wrongfully Punished avatar, not sensing impending doom, focused his entire attention on completing this D-rank mission. He grasped the child and started to promise her a treat and some bubble wrap if only she would return back to the orphanage. The double dreaded megaton power fist smacked into the skull of the one-armed avatar.

A mushroom cloud arose over the Mist Village as survivors ducked, dropped, and covered. The earth shook. A strong flash permanently burned shadows against walls.

The one-armed avatar collapsed as if he was a Suna puppet and his master cut the chakra string. A thousand miles away, Suna puppeteers shook in instinctive fear and in the afterword Sasori crapped himself as he attempted to crawl away from the Blue Fairy who only wanted to make him a 'real-boy.'

The child turned around and started crying.

"BAD GIRL…you hurt Ichiko-ji-san!"

The avatar of the Goddess of Youth stood still…shocked. She only tried to…

Hanabi suddenly started crying. The hormones and stress of the last week overcame her.

"I'm sorry…so sorry…I can't do anything right. Who am I to raise a child when I cannot even…forgive me."

The little girl was stunned. There was a lady who was sadder than her.

"Here lady-san, hug Shachi-chan. She makes all the tears go away. No one can cry when hugging Shachi-chan," the little girl said as she held out a pink killer whale who was apparently loosing all it stuffing. "You need Shachi-chan to make you felt better?"

Konohamaru wonder if somehow this vision was the result of being hit by a genjutsu during the Chūnin Exams. One of his opponents tried, but he thought that he threw it off before he used the head hunter jutsu and a couple clone with a hammer to play whack a mole with his opponent just like he use to do at the carnival as a kid. If it was, he wondered just how his opponent could craft this nightmare. Sucker the target with a vision of heaven that turns into hell.

He reached out towards the pink whale to feel it. Tactile genjutsu were almost impossible to pull off without a bloodline. He almost made contact when something made contact with his head and gravity knocked him into the ground.

"Stupid boy, I only share Miss Shachi with crying girl, not stupid, poo-poo head, double poo-pooh head boys like you, nose picking troll. Even Goya-baka knows to not touch Shachi-can."

The little girls voice was getting more agitated as her eyes and face took on a demonic hue. She was starting to growl at him. It was like that one time that someone attempted to ban ramen in Konoha.

Konohamaru was male, but unlike boss, he still had enough grey between the ears to know that he could not afford another entity chasing him down. Wordlessly he handed the little girl one of Hanabi's ice cream containers and a spoon.

"Baka!"

Thankfully, the brain forgets what happens about ten to fifteen seconds before knock out. Konohamaru did not remember what happen afterwards.

**On the Boat to Wave**

Hiashi looked with evil glee at the mushroom cloud on the horizon. The vein on the forehead, just above the bridge of the nose, was throbbing rythematicly, with an unholy intensity not even the ancient gods whose cruelty was unbound could match. The old jōnin's hands were rubbing together in sweet anticipation of making a certain monkey into a stuff trophy on his mantle. The grin on the old man's face was unsettling.

Naruto suppressed the urge to gulp, jump over the side of the boat, water run to the nearest temple, and become a celibate monk in an attempt to escape the killing intent of his father in law. Kyubi was thankful that Minato Namikaze got to him first before he encountered his vessel's mate's father. The man had to be reincarnation of Shiva, the destroyer of worlds. The fox now knew that the old Hyūga would have turned him into a rug and his tails into stuffed foxes for the Hyūga girls.

Sailors on deck and below resisted the urge to make the sign for protection from demons for the king of demons, with the all-seeingeyes of hell, was standing on the tip of the bowsprit demanding that the captain and crew throw on more sail and more ballast overboard in order to speed up the ship. He laughed at stormy sea and thunderous clouds daring, no double daring them to even think of thwarting his quest for summoning forth eternal pain to the boy who took advantage of his baby. The captain watched as his sailors threw perfectly good cargo overboard in an attempt to lighten the ship, his hand clutching the check that the Hyūga wrote wondering what idiot inspired the most dangerous man in the world to chase after him.

The captain looked at the stormy sky and prayed the that old man's viciousness would give the gods of storm and thunder pause while his boat was bobbing on the seas.

**Konohagakure**

Tsunade carefully examined the six winning lottery numbers and compared it to the lottery ticket in her hand. For six months, no one won the Powerball Lottery and the prize grew to over 5-billion ryo. Now she had the ticket that could pay for all the repairs and upgrades necessary. Normally, most kage would celebrate the end of funding problems for their villages. However, Tsunade, Shizune, Sakura, and the ANBU looked at one another. Nothing good ever came when Tsunade wins a large pile of money.

**Mizugakure from the View of Konohamaru's Inner**_ (Yes, it is a mad scientist)_

"…And one time, I wrapped the toilet in plastic wrap and that meanie Miss Roach sat on it and peed all over and then another time I put salt in the boys' tooth brush and then another time I swirled the girl's tooth brush in my pee pee water and then I…"

Maiko was talking on and on while somehow devouring the ice cream and stealing Hanabi's heart while Konohamaru wondered just how he was going to tell his girlfriend that they could not 'adopt' a child in the same manner as one adopts a lost kitten. Especially a child that could be Naruto's reincarnation if only Naruto was dead if he could reincarnate. If Naruto did reincarnate could he reincarnate as a five year old?

Another existential question that would require an experiment. Naruto was a cool nii-chan, but it was science.

Konohamaru could already imagine talking to boss about that experiment.

"Renounce this experiment less the spirit of Orochimaru corrupts you and you start giving little boys hickeys and inviting them over to your hidden village for a sleep in.!" Naruto would initially reply to Konohamaru requests.

"Sorry, boss, I cannot be corrupted by science and science alone can answer these questions?"

"Then you are mad…mad as playing with this insanity inducing seal had driven me," Naruto would counter.

"Is it madness to know…to see clearly?"

"Please allow me to elucidate!"

Naruto would never use those words, but this is Konohamaru's daydream and if Ebitsu force Konohamaru to memorized the thesaurus, then Naruto would have to occasionally speak like he too memorized the thesaurus.

Konohamaru would stand firm and reply, "Never, you only seek to confuse me, to cleft me away from my true purpose, to quantify all the factors, and find…to find the answer lest we all be driven mad from knowing that we will never know."

"It could be such an interesting experiment…to break free the truth from the grasp of ignorance…to tip the bowl and partake of the ramen of knowledge…"

"I fear what may happen if we tip the vessel of knowledge…but the answers are so tempting…"

"For science…boss…for…"

"No Konohamaru…for ramen…all thirty one glorious flavors of ramen. I shall risk all to find the 32nd sacred flavor. Ramen gods, why hast thou forsaken me in my quest to sublimate all the goodness of your creation into my being."

Naruto would let him find the answer, even it meant being killed and endure forced reincarnation.

If only the old hag allowed Konohamaru to experiment. It was not his fault that giving the woodchuck summons power tools in order to answer the question, "How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if the woodchuck could chuck wood with power tools," would nearly destroy the forest around the village. The old hag should be happy that he was willing to do something intellectual like answering those important questions.

All that was left was to find Peter Piper, Susie the Shoe Shine girl, the good cook, and the Mongol horde so that he could get a definitive number on the pecks of pickled peppers, the number of shoe's shined, the number of cookies cooked, and the number of board that the bored Mongol horde hordes. And why do kids laugh at the rhymes, "I was born on a pirate ship", "Pirates Private Property," and "She said she should sit."

Inquiring minds like Konohamaru needed to solve these questions that not even grandpa, the God of Ninjutsu, could not solve. The answer was so simple. Find the one and test them to get the answer. The question will be answer, the problem solved, and the time he spend in Iruka-sensei's classroom pondering these questions instead of doing shiruken throwing calculations would not be a waste of his effort, but rather the preparation to answering life's great questions.

Naruto and Konohamaru had already answered the second greatest question of all…the trick to conquer all paperwork and if you said shadow clones…that is not the answer. Simply give whomever asks the questions or brings up the problem the duty of solving it and doing all the paperwork associated with it plus assign them another task since they were obviously not busy enough. After two or three times, no one would dare bring them any problems.

Should there would only be one question, how to beat the girl's ultimate genjutsu and not end up being the pack mule when it comes time for them to go shopping?


End file.
